Yesterday, I talked to Julie, the therapist, and I told her, I’m stuck! I’m at the same place I was two years ago and five years ago and…
We talked about a bunch of stuff, and she agreed. I’m stuck!
She said my depression keeps coming back to my marriage. She said that I am alone AND I am ignored. If I lived by myself, I wouldn’t be ignored. I liked that; it made a LOT of sense.
She said it sounded like I wanted more out of all areas of my life. That is so true!!!
We talked, too, about some of the progress I’ve made and a couple of things I can do.
She suggested going ahead and starting house-hunting even though I told her I don’t have the money yet, nor are my things packed. I told her that I was afraid that I would end up living in an even worse house than I do now. She said, no, that I wouldn’t pick that kind of place to live. That was encouraging to me.
She told me, too, to start visualizing. Visualize what my life would be like if I was living on my own. Visualize what it would be like to come home and not have to deal with the stress of the marriage.
When I am talking with her, it all seems so possible. I feel so hopeful about my life when I am talking with her.
But, right now, writing about leaving, I feel so scared.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
I would suggest you get an inexpensive apartment…not a house. Don’t sign up for the expense and hassle of maintaining a house!
Oh, I would be looking for a place to rent, not to buy!!! What I would love is something like a back house on an estate! I’d love to be in a beautiful, safe environment, but not something I have to maintain, like you said!
In all seriousness, I had this same problem. What if being alone is terrible?! What if all I can afford is something small and terrible and its just the worst thing ever!?
Well, let me tell you something. It seems us ladies who live with men like ours tend to not trust our own judgments. We worry. We second guess. We think the familiarity of being ignored, treated like shit, made to feel like we are useless and in the way, is some how better than the unknown.
I’m here to tell you, the unknown is ok. It really is.
I made myself think I had some kind of control in my marriage. Sure, he forced me to have sex with him whenever he felt like it. Sure, he didn’t bother to help with the kids in anyway. Sure, he made sure I never saw my friends or family….but at least I knew what to expect.
News flash. The unexpected is better. A lot better. No one to second guess my choices. And even better, no one to make ME second guess my choices.
Its scary. So scary. But absolutely worth it. I promise.
Thank you for the encouragement. Because I am really, really scared. Sometimes I think, okay, I can do this. But then other times, I am absolutely terrified and am not sure at all that I can do this! UGH!!!
I’m “stuck” too… you’re not alone.
I’ve been stuck for so long…. I remember years ago, looking out the window and thinking, I feel like I’m in prison. And it still seem like I have so much further to go….
yep, ine same boat too… i feel like the more i go forward the more things go backwards or stay the same depending on how you look at it. I read you pretty much every day and it reminds me that I’m not alone though so I thank you for that. But like you, I’m stuck living the same thing over and over again like the movie “Groundhog Day” hoping for another ending. My problem is my PA is trying to change and I have forgiven but my mind won’t LET me forget and I keep waiting for the next PA episode, when I feel one coming on, it’s really not a good feeling :(
When you have been through so much, your brain doesn’t unlearn it very quickly! Have you ever heard of the book, Desperate Marriages? In that book, he actually suggest separating until the relationship is healthy again! That way you can heal and your husband can’t get away with his behaviors. I don’t know if that kind of thing is an option for you. Also, do either of you go to counseling? Maybe if you don’t already, maybe you could see a therapist on your own to help you process some of this. I know it helps me a lot when I can speak with Julie, the therapist.
Take good, good, good care of yourself!!!