What I want…

Two people this week asked me what I wanted – one so he could pray about it for me and another so he could find a house for me.

So, my friends, here’s what I want.

I want a house for my daughter and me to live in.  I want the rent to be one-third of my net, one third of what I actually take home each month.  I want it to be in a very safe area to live.  I want space around the house and not, as my friend looking for me said, with neighbors staring in the windows.  I live on 4.5 acres now and most of the houses around are on at least an acre, so it’s not really crowded.  I’d like space and privacy.  I’d like room to grow my flowers.  It doesn’t have to be huge garden, just a place for my favorites, some sun, some shade.  I’d need at least two bedrooms, one for me, one for my daughter.  If there are more bedrooms for the rent I can afford, I won’t turn them down.  I’d like a window over the kitchen sink and hard-wood floors would be nice.  We can share a bathroom.  That would be okay.  I’d like the house to be within thirty-five minutes drive for my daughter and me to get to work and to school.  And the more windows, the better.  I love windows.  I’d like space for my books and my fabric.  And a few other treasures that I have after I pare down.  I think I’d like somebody’s back house or pool house or mother-in-law cottage.  That way, I know I would be on a nice property.  I have a washer and a dryer in the house here and would like to have that again, too.  Maybe some storage space.  Even though I am trying to get rid of lots of stuff, I’m sure there is still some I would want to keep.  I’d like good water and no musty smell.  Ceiling fans would be a plus.  I like ceiling fans.  Heat and air.  Maybe a fire place.  And a front porch.  I’ve always wanted a front porch. While I’m dreaming, I might as well dream.

So that’s for the friend at work who said he would look for a place for me.

(Neither of these two know about my blog, so I’ll have to email them this information.  But I needed to write it for them and here is as good a place as any.)

And for the friend who wants to pray for me … he can pray for the above for me.

And…

I want to feel peaceful about my life, not so much angst.  I want to feel joy in my life, that everything is not such a struggle all of the time.  I want to feel loved.  And to feel more loving.  I feel like I used to be more kind and loving than I am now.  I want that back, but in a healthy way, not a codependent way.  And I want the strength and courage to do what I need to do

And faith.  Faith that God loves me and wants good things for me.  Faith that God is working in my life.

I want to earn enough money to support myself and my daughter.  And I want to earn more money over time so there will be some for tiny luxuries, so I don’t have to pinch every penny.

And the one who wants to pray for me can also pray about my “happily ever after” for me, too.  The man I’d like to end up with some day.  Hopefully that will  be sooner rather than later!

I want somebody who will actually want me, who will actually care about me, who will actually want to be a team and actually share life with me.  And who will actually  make love with me.  Every night.  Or at least pretty often.  Every night.

I know I’m getting older and hormone levels drop, but there are ways to help that.  I’ve lived the past 27, almost 28, years always wanting more sex than my husband ever wanted to give me.  I’d like to be able to make up for at least some of that.  Okay, hopefully, a lot of that.

I want my “happily ever after” to be tall.  And smell good.  And dress nicely.

I want him to be healthy and fit – for both of our sakes.   He doesn’t have to be a perfect specimen, though.  After all, I’m not a super model!

I would like to be better off financially with him than I am now.  I’m not mercenary; I just want to be more stable financially.

I want to have conversations.  Actual long, enjoyable, fun conversations.  I want us to do things together, to hang out together, to be together.  A lot.  Not in an unhealthy way, but as two people who enjoy each other and enjoy being together and sharing life together.

I want to be able to work out problems together, not hiding behind passive aggressive behavior or codependency.  And I want there to be a lot more joy and happiness together than there are difficulties.  I know that no relationship is perfect and that there will be struggles, but I want the fun and happy to vastly outweigh any difference there may be.

I want him to cherish and adore me.  I want him to love me and to appreciate who I am.

I want to love him and respect him and give to him.  Unabashedly give to him and not have to be afraid that I have to protect myself from him.

Have you ever read the book His Needs, Her Needs?  I want him to fill my needs:  affection (sex), intimate conversation, financial security, trust.  The fifth one is a father to my children, but I don’t expect that.   And his needs, I want to fill his needs:  sex, recreational companion, domestic support, admiration, and an attractive spouse.

I think it would be a good thing if he had the Myers Briggs personality type that is the natural match for my Myers Briggs personality type.

This post has been really hard for me to write.

I feel so, so, so crazy wanting these things.

I feel like it’s impossible, especially about someone wanting me.  (My counselor doesn’t agree with me on that one.  He has no doubt that I will find someone who will want me and love me.)

In Toastmasters this week, a young man said in a speech he gave that he believes God gives us dreams so He can help us achieve them.  My sister’s husband says that God gives no vision without provision.

Maybe I’m not crazy to want these things.

Maybe I’m just me.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to What I want…

  1. You are not crazy to want these things! (And I want them, too, for myself.)

  2. K says:

    Whatever you do, do it soon. Mine moved out for a “separation” to give me “space” to “heal”
    He won’t be let back in. The peace is indescribable. Do whatever you can.

  3. lonelywife07 says:

    I want the same things…but I don’t see it ever happening, so I’m making my own life within the confines of my “marriage”….and I’m content.
    I’d love romance, and feeling taken care of, but I’ve accepted that that is not going to happen, so I find my happiness elsewhere….I hope you get what you want, I really do :)

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