later that evening…

So my previous post was about Sunday afternoon.

Sunday evening, well, Sunday night, as I was getting ready for bed, I checked my email.

He had sent me an email with the subject, “an interesting article.”  And the only thing in the email was a link to this article: “What ‘War Brides’ of the Greatest Generation knew about Marriage.

(By the way, I had seen and read the article all on my own the day before.)

I ignored the email and went to bed.

About half an hour later, I was almost asleep when he put his hand on my waist and said…



“Will you make love with me?”

I was quiet for a long time and then I replied, “Having sex tears me up.”  *

Next he said, “How about if we just kiss and cuddle?”  **

Again, I was quiet and then I said, “Did you hear anything I said this afternoon?”

He said, yes.

Then he said, sometimes I want sex so bad I can hardly stand it.

Fine, I said.  Stick your penis in me and use my body.  I don’t care.

He said that wasn’t what he wanted.

I told him, yes, that was what he was asking for.

He said he just telling me.

Thankfully, oh, so thankfully, that was the end of it and he went to sleep.

*   In case you don’t know, I started crying after sex almost every single time we had sex after about ten years of marriage.  So that means sex has made cry for over fifteen years now.   That doesn’t seem to bother him.

**  Okay, this may be TMI, but while I felt nauseous about having sex with him, I felt absolutely revolted by the thought of kissing and cuddling.  I can detach, to a certain degree, if he is just in me.   But kissing and touching I can’t detach from in the same way.

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to later that evening…

  1. newshoes123 says:

    Kissing and cuddling implies that the two of you are close, it’s more intimate than the actual act of having sex. I understand completely. I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope that one day you have someone who makes you feel amazing after being intimate :) Fingers crossed for you xo

  2. GainingStrength says:

    Wow! Here’s how I read it from his point of view, didn’t I make you feel guilty enough this afternoon that you will give me what I want, when I want it, and how I want it? Guess I’ll have to try harder.

    These abusers are UNBELIEVABLE!!! My abuser would do this, too. I was so relieved that he loved me/wasn’t mad at me any more/he was talking to me, etc. that I was happy to have sex with him. What a load of poop. Luckily mine wasn’t into kissing that much, but the touching made my skin crawl in the end. Oh I shudder just thinking of him touching or kissing me.

    The hardest part for me was the doubt he put in my head. Was I wrong? Was I being a bad wife? It was always an “I” being wrong, not a “he” being wrong thought. Trust me, denying him the right to use you and your body when he feels like it is NOT wrong. That is not what marriage is. Again, that is not what marriage is. Shame on him. May God bless you with patience and courage.

    • I do think the doubt is the hardest. That was the main reason why I was quite so long when he first asked to have sex. “Be the good wife.” But sex should be about love, not about use. Or destruction.
      And yeah, I couldn’t believe it when he asked!!! I shocked that he would so blatantly ignore everything I had tried to tell him that afternoon!! I guess it is part of the manipulation and control.

  3. Sarah B. says:

    Ahh, yes. An all too familiar conversation. I’ll get the, “So, can we have sex?” as if I’m purposely just being mean withholding. So sure, let me just get naked so you get what you want, again, and I’ll just lay here afterwards so you can bask in the afterglow. Gag. Never again.

    Now that I’ve asked for a divorce, it’s like he’s “World’s Greatest”. 12 years of my life GONE. Completely taken for granted, admittedly, by him. 12 years I waited for a connection – ANY connection. I just didn’t qualify as important. No more. I will happily pick my ass up and carry on with my kiddos…because they deserve the best ME. Happy Mommy, happy babies.

    Take care of YOU and keep pushing. This is not what marriage is supposed to be or what we have to settle on. Your life can encompass all the desires of your heart.

    Be well.

    • “Your life can encompass all the desires of your heart.” I want to believe that so badly, but so often I don’t. : ( I would LOVE the desires of my heart. Somehow I need to change my thinking so I can believe that I can have good things.

      I find it interesting that for so many years I tried to make the marriage better and then when I gave up and wanted him out, now he’s making dinner and washing dishes and trying to be the “perfect” husband. Only, somehow, the real PA in him still comes out. Even though he is doing these things, there still is no connection.

  4. fern says:

    Yuck. Just yuck.

  5. lonelywife07 says:

    In Leslie Vernicks book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” she says, “Being married does not give husbands the right to gratify their sexual needs apart from their commitment to the spiritual, physical and emotional well-being of their wives. A wife is not a body to use but a person to love.”

    My H and I haven’t been intimate for over 12 weeks now…and he never asks why…I’ve told him flat out that I don’t feel safe with him, I don’t feel loved by him, and until he works on himself and our marriage, I don’t see us ever resuming sexual intimacy!

    HE did this to our marriage and now HE needs to fix it! He made a counseling appt. for this Friday….so I sit and wait to see what happens in the days and weeks to come.

    Also, I’ve read somewhere, it might have been on Leslie’s blog, that when your husband abuses you, whether it’s physical or emotional, when you continue to have sex with him, it reaffirms to him that everything is OK, that you’ve overlooked the “bad behavior” once again!

    I’m proud of you PAA for standing up for yourself! Your husband doesn’t care about you, or your emotional needs, he only cares about his physical needs!!

    Remember this quote from Dr. Henry Cloud…
    “We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences gives us the pain to motivate us to change.”

    I believe that PA Man is starting to feel the pain of staying the same…but time will tell, won’t it?

    • newshoes123 says:

      Lonely, I love that quote, never heard it before but OMG does it ever apply to our situations!!! I copied it and I’m going to hold it dear to remind me why I left my pah. Stay strong, you are worth it. Have you seen this blog:, very good information about sleeping with our abusers.

      • lonelywife07 says:

        Newshoes123 That quote can be used two different ways…we as the abused, can use it to finally say “Enough is enough!” and move on….Or the PA abusers can finally have consequences for their behavior…consequences so painful that they seek to change…
        And yes I’ve read that before…it’s very good!

      • newshoes – I just read that link. Wow!!! Thank you for sharing that! I think instinctively I already knew a lot of what she wrote in that post, but somehow I get lost and crazy in my thinking. It was a good reminder about what sex and intimacy is supposed to be.

    • Lonelywife – I do think that sex sends a message that “everything is okay.” For me, the thing about sex is that a married couple has that “obligation” to one another, so if he needs sex, then that is part of my role as his wife. However, the lack of emotional connection has made sex destructive to me over the years. On the other hand, I often, oh, so very often, crave love-making and for so many years, I would tell myself, maybe it will be different this time; maybe it won’t make me cry. Finally it became too much and I started telling him no on the rare occasions he actually expressed an interest in sex. The whole thing tears me up.

      I don’t think he wants to change. I think he just wants me to put up with him the way he is and be nice to him and give him what he wants. I can hear that sometimes when I try to talk to him.

      But, you know, after all, why should he change? He is not the problem!!!! (Sarcasm there.)

      • lonelywife07 says:

        PAA I’m sorry I disagree….I don’t feel that God views sex, something HE created to be a beautiful expression of love between two people, as an obligation, especially when abuse is present!
        I think Leslie Vernick says it best….
        PA Man and I haven’t been intimate since June…and I feel so much better about myself, more calm…I was tired of feeling used and then pushed away emotionally….sex had bottom to be a “wham bam thank you mam” sex….well, except I didn’t get the thank you…he took a shower and fell asleep right after…and I HAD told him numerous times that I didn’t enjoy sex, that I didn’t feel close to him AT ALL….and his response was always the same…”I’m sorry you feel that way, that makes me sad.”
        But did he EVER ask me WHY I felt that way…or what could he do to change the way I felt? NO!!! Because let’s face it…he didn’t care!!! He is selfish!
        So I took a stand, and now, he went to counseling yesterday AFTER he made the appt. because I wouldn’t do it for him!
        True…I found the counselor, but I felt it was important for me to know that this counselor was not a fluke…and from what I’ve learned, he’s not!
        But I didn’t make the appt. PA Man did, I refused! And he made another for the week after next….he knows if he quits and if I don’t see any improvements by Feb. we separate!
        He says he doesn’t want that…but you know what..I no longer care!

        And ya know what PAA…if that’s what you think….that he wants you to “put up with him the way he is and be nice to him and give him what he wants. I can hear that sometimes when I try to talk to him.” Then girl, you NEED to set some strong boundaries and stop doing it!!
        Eat dinner with your daughter….NOT your husband…don’t do his laundry, don’t fix his lunch, etc….STOP being so nice!!
        I mean seriously…WHY would he want to change?? I wouldn’t!
        Just my opinion of course….but if you can’t leave him yet, then do what makes YOU and your daughter happy!! Not HIM!

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