There is something I’ve been thinking about from the conversation Thursday morning. When he told me that he wanted sex and asked what he had to do to get sex and said, fix the roof, fix the floors, buy cars for our daughters, it was like saying, if he spent enough money, would I have sex with him.
Could he pay me to have sex?
Is that what he was saying? That is what I have ended up feeling like. “I do something for you, you do something for me.”
To me, that is NOT what sex is.
Sex, rather, making love, is a loving expression of the whole relationship, a loving, a caring, a sharing, a giving of oneself, an enjoyment of the other.
Yes, we have a physical need for sex, built of hormones – and, believe me, I have plenty of hormones! But if I just wanted sex, or wanted money and was willing to trade sex for money, I am sure there are plenty of men on any street corner who would gladly oblige me.
(Even the Fed Ex delivery man was hitting on me this week.)
What I want is the relationship to go along with the love making. It’s a whole package. And it is not contingent upon someone laying out the money to fix the roof. I think I could live in a shack if I truly felt loved and valued.
What “WritesinPJ’s” commented (“What he didn’t seem to do was feel or express or reflect empathy.”) is absolute right. There was no empathy. I tried to tell him about my pain but it did not seem to even register.
And how do you explain anything to someone who has no empathy? How do you have relationship with someone who has no empathy? There can’t even be a starting place to improve the relationship. Yes, maybe I could be a “better wife” – I DO have empathy, maybe too much empathy at times – but if he has no clue about my pain, how can he have any kind of response to that pain?