thoughts

His mother died yesterday morning.

I am okay with her death.  I don’t think I was quite the daughter-in-law and neighbor she hoped I would be.  I think because we didn’t really have any shared interests, it was kind of hard for me to be close to her.  Also, because of the way things are at home with my husband, it makes it hard to be at his parents’ house.

She was 77 and in a lot of pain, so her death is a relief for her.

My husband said that when she was in the hospital that she was sad that she wouldn’t be able to give her things away to the people she wanted to give them to.  She was a kind person.  She liked to feed you and to find something to give to you.  She got married when she was 17 and she had six children.  All of her children and many grandkids and great grandkids will be at her memorial service tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m still sleeping in the living room.

A number of times during the week, I have felt like I wanted to talk to someone about what happened last week-end.  (See post.)  But I haven’t been able to because I don’t know how to explain it, how to define it.   We have an Employee Assistance Program at work so there is a number I can call and talk to someone about anything I need to.   From there, they can refer me to someone who can give me more help.  So I’ve thought about calling the EAP person – I’ve done that before, last fall – but I haven’t called.  I don’t know how to explain it.  The other thing is, even if I do talk to someone, then what?  I don’t know.

I have an appointment this week with the counselor that I am seeing.  I haven’t decided if I am comfortable with telling him about what happened.

I guess I keep hoping that something will just “work out” for me, that things will somehow just fall into place for me, without me having to do something.  How lazy is that?

Maybe he’ll go live with his dad to look after his dad.  Although he is probably too selfish to do that.

I wish – and I am so good at wishing – that somehow he would agree that we should separate and then I could have the time and the space that I need to clean my stuff out of the house.  The way it is now, I feel too exhausted emotionally to work on getting rid of my stuff.  Maybe that sounds silly, but it is something I really struggle with.

It is uncomfortable physically to sleep in the living room, but emotionally, it is very relaxing to sleep in the living room!  I’m getting used to the narrowness of the sofa cushion so that doesn’t really bother me anymore.  It’s kind of hard, though.  I’ve looked a little at air beds, but I haven’t bought anything yet.

Thank you so much for your thought and prayers and comments.  I know I haven’t replied to your comments, but I read them and reread them and they mean an awful lot to me.

 

 

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to thoughts

  1. I am sorry about the death of your mother-in-law. I am glad to hear that you are doing okay with it, though.

    I am very relieved that you are still on the couch. When I separated from my PA pseudo-husband a few years ago, I spent 6 to 7 months or so on the couch before we made the rooming situation more permanent. It wasn’t ideal, but it was so much better than the alternative. I hope you figure something out soon.

    One thing you wrote that caught my attention was: “I guess I keep hoping that something will just ‘work out’ for me, that things will somehow just fall into place for me, without me having to do something. How lazy is that?” That really sounded familiar to me. I have felt the same way for so long. One of the best books I have ever found on dealing with past neglect or abuse is “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,” by Pete Walker. He is a counselor, but he also had an abusive childhood and really went through what he is talking about. It is the most helpful book I have found on understanding myself and how great the effect of my own childhood family dysfunction, as well as my dysfunctional pseudo-marriage, really is. This has nothing to do with Christian salvation, but rather the fantasy that we will be perfectly healed and set free from all the past and all will be well suddenly. The truth is that there is healing, but it takes work, repetition, and time, that it usually happens gradually, and we will probably always feel the scars, but that is okay. I am not doing this justice, but for me, when I read this, I could see that I have wasted a lot of time thinking that at some point, things would just all at once turn around. I would suddenly heal physically or emotionally, or some circumstance would suddenly change, and then I would be free (rescued!) from him or I don’t know what. I am learning that in reality it does take work and time – mental work laying down new pathways in my brain; circumstantial work – making plans for how to deal with my pseudo-husband, thinking through the future and how to make small steps toward preparing to get away from him; and my Achilles heel – having to work on my health through nutrition and self-discipline. And, yet, when I do the work, it seems like a very little at a time, God shifts a circumstance or turns on another little light. Well, I don’t know how much sense this all made, but I don’t think you are lazy. I have read enough sources that talk about how emotional neglect can leave us weak in the areas of self-discipline and follow-through. I don’t know if that is true for you, like it is for me. It’s hard to learn this later in life, but it is worth the effort.

    • Thank you for telling me about the book; I will look for it.

      Just to clarify- I don’t want things to work out with my husband. I spent over two decades wanting the marriage to be better. I’m done with that. I somehow want the perfect place for me to live to magically appear. That is what I am wishing would “just work out” for me.

      I didn’t used to be like this. I used to go after what I wanted. I guess I am just too tired anymore. : (

      Thank you for your comment and book suggestion.

  2. I am sorry for your MIL’s passing.

    Seeing the Light touched on some great things. That belief that things will get better is faulty thinking that we probably learned in childhood. It was incorrectly recorded on our emotional hard drives.

    I wanted to address your wanting to talk about the assault. The two best resources where you will recieve counseling from therapists trained in abuse are your county’s domestic abuse organization or your county’s rape crisis center. These services are free and confidential. I worry about you using the EAP because it may not be a confidential service…they may track who calls about what.

    Those organizations exist solely to help people like us. You don’t have to be getting punched by your husband to be abused. They understand the devastating effects of mental and emotional and sexual abuse and can help you to understand better how abuser’s wield power and how abusive relationships work in order to protect yourself from being constantly sucked back into the cycle.

    Believe me, I can only imagine how hard it is to juggle the knowledge you have while living in it as you and STL do. I was oblivious to how bad everything really was until anti-h dropped us. It still took me five or six weeks to call the center and talk to someone. It was the best decision I could have made–the clarity from getting proper support and education surpasses where I would be emotionally without having gone. I really hope you will call one of these organizations.

    • I know this is going to sound terrible, but if I talk to someone, will my husband get in trouble? His mom just died and his dad isn’t completely able to take care of himself.

      • No. It doesn’t sound terrible. It sounds like you are a caring person.

        Anything you share is confidential. No one will force you to take any sort of action. You can even give a false name. In fact, that is probably the best way to feel secure about keeping your identity safe. You can always tell them your real name once you trust them.

        You are in my thoughts. *hug*

  3. newshoes123 says:

    my sympathies dear… don’t be afraid to speak about what happened to you… it happened, it hurt you, it was wrong. They won’t charge him with anything unless you go to the police and charge him with sexual assault, any centre you go visit or counsellor will advise you to do just that, go to the police but they won’t call them.

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