His mother died yesterday morning.
I am okay with her death. I don’t think I was quite the daughter-in-law and neighbor she hoped I would be. I think because we didn’t really have any shared interests, it was kind of hard for me to be close to her. Also, because of the way things are at home with my husband, it makes it hard to be at his parents’ house.
She was 77 and in a lot of pain, so her death is a relief for her.
My husband said that when she was in the hospital that she was sad that she wouldn’t be able to give her things away to the people she wanted to give them to. She was a kind person. She liked to feed you and to find something to give to you. She got married when she was 17 and she had six children. All of her children and many grandkids and great grandkids will be at her memorial service tomorrow.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I’m still sleeping in the living room.
A number of times during the week, I have felt like I wanted to talk to someone about what happened last week-end. (See post.) But I haven’t been able to because I don’t know how to explain it, how to define it. We have an Employee Assistance Program at work so there is a number I can call and talk to someone about anything I need to. From there, they can refer me to someone who can give me more help. So I’ve thought about calling the EAP person – I’ve done that before, last fall – but I haven’t called. I don’t know how to explain it. The other thing is, even if I do talk to someone, then what? I don’t know.
I have an appointment this week with the counselor that I am seeing. I haven’t decided if I am comfortable with telling him about what happened.
I guess I keep hoping that something will just “work out” for me, that things will somehow just fall into place for me, without me having to do something. How lazy is that?
Maybe he’ll go live with his dad to look after his dad. Although he is probably too selfish to do that.
I wish – and I am so good at wishing – that somehow he would agree that we should separate and then I could have the time and the space that I need to clean my stuff out of the house. The way it is now, I feel too exhausted emotionally to work on getting rid of my stuff. Maybe that sounds silly, but it is something I really struggle with.
It is uncomfortable physically to sleep in the living room, but emotionally, it is very relaxing to sleep in the living room! I’m getting used to the narrowness of the sofa cushion so that doesn’t really bother me anymore. It’s kind of hard, though. I’ve looked a little at air beds, but I haven’t bought anything yet.
Thank you so much for your thought and prayers and comments. I know I haven’t replied to your comments, but I read them and reread them and they mean an awful lot to me.