He is often sad about his mom’s death (understandably) and needs to talk and cry.
I’m trying to be comforting.
But I am also finding it difficult.
I know this is a hard time for him. I understand that. I really do.
But I also am having a hard time trying to listen to him and be there for him after what happened last week-end.
I just want him to go away. I don’t like being around him.
"While it might be a mistake to give up on a relationship with a passive-aggressive man until all avenues for change have been explored, at some point, you must cut your losses. ..... To stay in a relationship that is harmful to you is not only pointless but self-destructive. This is one of the unfortunate costs of passive aggression: conflicts all too quickly escalate to the point where getting out is your only choice."
from "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man"
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Passive Aggressive Abuse
What a horrid situation for you. You have no obligation to be his comfort, but I realize that you feel not giving comfort will invoke some sort of punishment from him. Can you detach mentally? While he is talking and crying carry on a silent conversation with yourself about what you observe in his words and behavior. That can help to build a sort of mental/emotional boundary that keeps your empathy in check.
Also, make excuses to run errands, exercise, visit–anything to get out of the house. Go sit in Starbucks, library, anywhere you can go and get headspace. I know personally how heavy the air of oppression is…it literally lifted off us when my son and I felt sure he wasn’t coming back. Also, I used to sit at the breakfast table on pinterest on my phone to avoid looking at him…he always looked contemptuously at me. I could let my mind wander to pleasant things…it was a coping skill that kept me sane during the very confusing time right before he left. I still pin for my future life on secret boards.
I don’t know if any of the above is useful. What you are dealing with is complex, so take my advice only as you see fit. Please try contacting one of those orgs as soon as you can–it sounds like you desperately need someone to guide you through processing what happened during the assault.
The other thing that I think might help you is taking a concrete step forward toward separation. Look for apts online. Determine a budget on what you make now….there will be a way. If you don’t know how to budget, study about it online. Start a secret cash savings and stash $5, $10, $20 as often as you can.
Make plans to consult with a divorce lawyer (a domestic abuse center where I went offered a free 30 min consultation) to get questions answered about what you need to do to eventually file the complaint. There is a lot of paperwork in divorce and while it sucks and it is hard, it is temporary unlike the never-ending abuse.
I know you are tired and feel beaten down, however, I think you will feel a renewed energy once you start planning your exit.
You will get through this!
understandably…. just listen, be there then once you’ve done being supportive, walk away.