good fences make good neighbors

When I was twenty-one, my dad died.  My mom used a large part of his life insurance money to make a down payment on a piece of property that had two houses on it.  She and my siblings lived in one house.  My husband and I lived in the other house.  We split the mortgage.   Verbally, she told me that I didn’t need to pay her back for the down payment on the house, that it was a gift.  This was not put into writing.

Fast forward about three years.  She decided she wanted half of that down payment back.   Forty-five thousand dollars.  (This was over twenty years ago.)   When I told her that we didn’t have forty-five thousand dollars to give her, she said she would take us to court.   Yes, my mom.

Long story short.  We split the property and she sold her half.   My husband and I got a loan to continue paying on our half of the mortgage plus the forty-five thousand that she wanted.

That ended my relationship with my mom.  We didn’t speak again at all for about ten years.

(If I were doing it again, I would have let her take me to court.  She may or may not have won.  And her shame would be on her.   I would not hide it again.)

Nine years ago,  my husband and I sold that house and moved here.  We bought a house that adjoined his parents’ property.

Mistake.

But at least they had no financial hold on us.

About a year later, my husband got his business going… with his dad’s help….  on his dad’s property.   His dad built a couple of out-buildings for the business.  My husband would help build some and my husband would pay for most of the supplies.   Did you catch that it was on his dad’s property?  My husband would use his dad’s tractor for the business, as long as his dad wasn’t using the tractor.  That tractor finally wore out and my husband finally bought his own tractor.   His dad has a much more powerful truck than my husband does.  (See post.)   And his dad has a dump trailer that goes behind the truck.  My husband has been using the truck and trailer to make deliveries.  Only his dad won’t let him drive the truck so his dad makes the deliveries.

I’ve told my husband in the past that it was not wise to be so tied to his dad like this, especially since nothing is in writing.  My dad told me it would be fine, despite what we went through with my mom.

A couple of months ago, his dad had a stroke.  His dad is not supposed to drive.  If he continues in therapy, he might get to the place where the doctor will okay him to drive.

His dad refuses to not drive.  He drives anyway.  He also refuses to go to therapy.

My husband realizes that if he has his dad drive on behalf of his business that he could be liable for any injury and/or damage caused by his dad.   My husband won’t let his dad drive for him.

And his dad won’t let him use the truck and trailer.

So, here we have a stale-mate.

My husband needs to use the truck and trailer for his business and his dad refuses to be “told what to do.”

My husband is thinking about selling the business because he can’t use his dad’s truck and trailer.  (Yeah, I don’t get that either.   I think it’s because my husband is so passive.  Me, I’m like, well, find a truck and get a loan and haul your loads!  But his dad is not the only stubborn one in the family.)

This morning my husband texted me that his dad came out to his business and “blessed” him up and down and threatened to destroy his business.

This evening, my husband was talking about it some more.   He said a few hours later, his dad called him just like nothing had happened and wanted him to bring out a bale of hay for him where he was working.  He seemed, oh, I don’t know, maybe a little shocked that his dad could act like nothing had happened after all his dad had said to him.

I wanted to say, Really?  Really?

That’s exactly what my husband did to me.  After he said all those things about me and sex (see post), he since then has acted like none of that ever happened.  Really?

Anyhow, after listening to my husband talk about what is going on with his dad, I SO much more than ever want out of this.   Because my husband treats me pretty much the way his dad treats him.

I just want out!!!

Oh, and if you EVER considered being financially tied in any way to another member of your family in any way, PLEASE, please, please DO NOT DO IT!!!!   No matter how idealistically wonderful it sounds, DO NOT DO IT!!!  It is NOT worth it!!!!  Trust me!!!!

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to good fences make good neighbors

  1. seriously says:

    I think some people are just too trusting of their family when it comes to finances and most people do not expect someone so close to you to screw you like that. But it happens, even in the best of families, money is no joke. I once lent money to a friend in need, only for that friend to turn around and never speak to me again and of course I never saw a red cent back. Fool me once, but don’t fool me again is what I say. Now I don’t lend money, if someone needs it, it’s my choice whether I “give” it to them or not. And I tell them I don’t expect it back, it’s worked for me so far, everyone I’ve done that to has paid me back – go figure. I wouldn’t lend large sums of money anymore though, that’s not going to happen but a few 10 or 20 bucks, what the hell.

  2. seriously says:

    on the PA side, it’s not surprising that your husband mimicks your father-in-law, it’s all he’s grown up with. It’s not excusable, by no means. If you look at our generation of men, we women by getting stronger, more vocal, standing up for ourselves and become their “equal” and I use that term loosely because we still have work to do especially in business, we have made men that are PA and frustrated. some of these men have grown up with frustrated fathers, some mothers, this whole generation of people have mental and physical ailments from being frustrated and upset about something or another half the time, the level of stress that has been experienced will last forever and we in turn will continue to raise stronger women and I hate to use this word but “weaker” men – my apologies gentlemen. I don’t know what the solution is but I sure as hope that I am raising my children to accept each other regardless of their sex but with a PA father, cheech I don’t know if I can do it.

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