I was skimming through the book, “Living With the Passive Aggressive Man,” by Scott Wetzler, looking for validation to the answer I have for a question I received (I’ll answer in a later post), when some of the things I was reading really jumped out at me.
I’ve read the book before, so I should know these things. But in the crazy-making business of living with a passive aggressive man, sometimes these things get blurry.
So I am posting these quotes as a reminder to ME and as information for anyone else who needs it!
“In relationships, these passive-aggressive men deny a woman’s needs and feelings. They close off opportunities to address issues, and they focus on how they can get their own way.”
“Although passive-aggression is fundamentally about one individual’s psychological conflict, it is most poignantly played out in the arena of a two-person relationship. The passive-aggressive man needs an adversary – you – to be the object of his hostility. He also needs someone whose demands and expectations he can resist. Passive-aggression is often expressed through relationships and so appears to be a ‘relationship’ problem. But more often than not, it is one person’s problem: his.”
“The passive-aggressive man will always act in his best interest.”
“…passive-aggressive behavior fractures relationships that would otherwise thrive.”
“You are entitled to more, and if the passive-aggressive in your life cannot or will not give it, seek your happiness elsewhere.”
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
I just finished reading that book and do-geared so much of it. It definitely has helped me to identify things my husband does and to step back and not let him suck me in.
For example, yesterday I bought a 7 bags of garden soil ($3 each) to do my own little container gardening this year so as to not have to ask for his help because that has been causing too many issues. When he saw the bags, he said, “Oh, if I’d known you were buying that much we could have gotten it in bulk and saved some money.” I didn’t say a word because getting it in bulk would mean him having to drive his truck to get it, bring it back and unload it, which would have taken half a day in time and probably $10 in gas. I’m sure however much he bought would not have cost less than $11, making the gas and soil actually more expensive than what I paid.
If I asked for help, he’d be annoyed and since I didn’t ask for help, he’s annoyed. :::shrugs::: I decided it’s not my problem… it’s HIS.
I think understanding the behavior helps quite a bit. And I understand completely what you are talking about in your example!!! That has happened so many times in so many ways in my “marriage!” I, too, try to detach from it, but I still find myself getting sucked in because I want to “do the right thing.” But there IS no right thing in dealing with a passive aggressive man! Ya just can’t win!!! :} But good for you for deciding that it is HIS problem, because it really is his problem! :}
agreed, it is their problem however they choose to make it your problem. At some point you stop caring, whether you do this one way or the other, it won’t make a difference, these people can not be happy either way. Someone asked me one time what I thought made my PA this way, I know why but I no longer care, at some point they have to decide for themselves whether or not it worth getting mad for small idiotic things or focus on the big picture. Once I did that I knew I was on my way to finding my voice again and being myself. I might as well have my own voice, it won’t matter anyways.
Yes, when you live with someone, what they do DOES effect you, even if you try to detach. I’m getting to the point that I don’t care. I don’t care why he is passive aggressive, I don’t care if he is passive aggressive, I don’t care if I am show the “right” response or not. I just don’t care. I just want it to be over and to go away and leave me alone!!!
Hi
This is my first time posting here. I am having a really hard time with the rejecting/dismissing behaviour that PA’s have on women. I broke off a 2 year relationship with a man who never seemed to show my feelings mattered or that he cared. It was all about him him him. I broke it off several times in the span of 2years only to suddenly want to go running back to him. I feel my ego can’t take him just acting if i didnt exist for the past 2 years. As if me leaving his life is just like losing your toothbrush or something. I’m wondering how and if anyone has managed to stop seeking this validation and closure from someone who I guess not i am convinced will never be able to give it to me. It’s like im angry that i can’t and couldnt get a reaction from him. I’m angry that he can just simply “act” and be ok with knowing that i hurt, that i wanted answers, that i deserved to be treated like a human being. I was a wonderful person to him. Always caring, understanding, patient kind etc. It’s just bizarre that with these types of men/people the nicer you are or the closer you try to get, the more you become an enemy. It seems so backwards to me that i’m finding it very hard to not think that its me. That somehow he wouldn’t be this way with others. I don’t know how to manage not wanting to look for him again. It wouldn’t be to get back. I just want some kind of sign that i meant something to him. I want peace, closure something telling me that he had a heart. Not sure why i am stuck here. Does anyone else feel this way? How has anyone else handled the aftermath of being with someone who is PA? Is what i’m feeling normal? I appreciate any help/advice. There aren’t many support forums or information out there for those who have been in a relationship with a PA so getting some answers from those who have been there would be a wonderful help.
Thank you in advance.
“Be strong enough to let go and patient enough to wait for what you deserve.” You will NEVER get the love and reassurance you seek from him. Don’t do that to yourself. Let go. Look for a CoDA group or an Al Anon group. Both are very helpful! You can also read “The Language of Letting Go” and “CoDependent No More.” I read “The Language of Letting Go” daily and it helps me SO much! I wish you well!!!
I just reread this, copied and e-mailed it to myself so I can remember too. I wish other people could understand.