He said he was sorry to learn of my pain and turmoil.
He said I was petty and judgmental.
He said a lot of stuff quoting Dr. Laura’s book and defending “Love and Respect.”
He said he wants me to stop writing about him.
He said he loves me and that even though I didn’t ask him to, that he forgives me for all the nasty stuff I wrote about him.
"While it might be a mistake to give up on a relationship with a passive-aggressive man until all avenues for change have been explored, at some point, you must cut your losses. ..... To stay in a relationship that is harmful to you is not only pointless but self-destructive. This is one of the unfortunate costs of passive aggression: conflicts all too quickly escalate to the point where getting out is your only choice."
from "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man"
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Passive Aggressive Abuse
Do you believe him? He said he was sorry to learn of YOUR pain and turmoil. That is not an apology. He is saying that you feel bad because you choose to feel bad and that it has nothing to do with him. That is a classic responsibility evasion tactic. You have no reason to believe me but I can share my experience with you. Passive aggressive people never believe they are wrong. They will say “sorry” to get one more opportunity to prove how correct they are. One PA person I was going out with insisted I go to a lobster restaurant for a date, even though I told him five different times I was fatally allergic to that and a few other shellfish. He heard me, and he knew I had no objection to people eating shellfish but took my allergy as a criticism of his preferences. When I realised that my life was going to be in danger (he works in the medical field and knows better) I cut him off. PA people aren’t stupid or lacking intelligence or stubborn. They simply do not CARE what you want. Your life might not be at risk right now but you have a blog for a reason. You want to escape. You’re trying to protect yourself from something. You don’t need to approve and publish this comment. I only need for you to read it.
You are sooo right sabiscuit….it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault! PA Man took TWO online passive aggressive tests…he passed with flying colors…full fledged PA….and he even agreed he’s PA….and yet, he does NOTHING to fix what’s broken inside….just blames ME for not letting go of the past…well heck yeah…the past shows me my future because he’s never even attempted to change….I’d be a FOOL to let down my guard with him!
Thank you for responding. It’s hard to not take the blame. You’re a responsible, forthright person and you are self reflective. These gifts are used against you. Having a blog is a defence. So is having support from peoole who will believe you and take your side. Don’t let go of the past. He hurt you. He should not get away with it. But remember you will never get closure with narcissists. They are incapable of taking responsibility. If you email me privately, I’ll send you some links from my blog and from that of a friend. She’s helped me so much. She’s a good person and you’ll feel safe talking to her. x
It took your blog for him to learn if your pain and turmoil?
Ditto what Sabiscuit said.
I totally agree. Not once in anything he’s said has he expressed concern for your well-being or expressed any kind of understanding that he might possibly be a tiny bit responsible for your distress. No remorse. No apology. Not even the standard evasive “I’m sorrry this happened to you, whoever’s to blame.” Keep blogging, my dear friend.
I agree Marsocmom! Keep blogging sister…this is YOUR life…YOUR story!
PA Husband,
You have been spying on your wife, invading her online privacy. You sexually assaulted your wife, getting off on her for your own pleasure. That’s two times I am positive you breeched normal individual boundaries your wife set, but I doubt you know what that means.
You don’t fool anybody with your unapology. You are aligned with the evil one. Your deeds are death. Do not dare to claim to be a brother of Christ, parading around in wool when you are actually a wolf.
Deuteronomy 28:20
“The LORD will send upon you curses, confusion, and rebuke, in all you undertake to do, until you are destroyed and until you perish quickly, on account of the evil of your deeds, because you have forsaken Me.”
Do you understand that? He’s talking about you!
Bravo! Bravo! Well said Married to Hyde!
Hey PA Husband….Newsflash for ya dude…Love and Respect was written with NORMAL couples in mind…not abnormal marriages like YOURS, so stop beating your wife over the head with it, ok?? I should know…I’ve been to TWO of their conferences, hoping and praying it would help my marriage…LOL!! Right! No book or conference can help a marriage when a passive aggressive is involved…
How about apologizing for snooping on your wife? How about apologizing for being such a jerk that your OWN DAUGHTERS CANT STAND TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH YOU!! Huh? What about that PA Husband? Is that your wife’s fault also…wait….it is, isn’t it? You’re telling yourself that right now..aren’t you?
If she’d only been nicer…more respectful…your daughters wouldn’t be like that…would they? SHE, evil woman that she is…turned them against you!! LOL! Nailed ya, didn’t I?
And you’ll keep reading her blog…won’t you? Because it would never enter your mind to RESPECT her….Like a dog that returns to their vomit….that’s what YOU are, PA Husband!
God is more concerned about changing us than He is in changing our circumstances. Joyce Meyer said that, not me. Men with personality disorders, whether it’s passive aggression or narcissism or whatever, will most likely never change. They do not see a need for surrender to the Father or for humbling themselves under His Mighty Hand.
Therefore, the functional person in the relationship must either change, adapt, adjust, or get out. Ranting just allows the enemy to keep stealing your peace.
Letting go of the past brings peace. Bitterness, resentment and being unforgiving all cause stress, strife and physical sickness. Living in the past and nursing the hurt will eventually prove deadly.
A strange thing happened today that I wanted to share with you ladies. I love love love my son (we have, of course had our share of fights through the years) He turns 21 today. We have a tradition in my family of texting each other at 12:01am a happy birthday greeting to each other. Well. I didn’t do that last night. Despite planning a bday dinner and movie for him, despite making him cupcakes and an ice cream cake, despite orchestrating other family members to request to get off early from work, despite trading shifts at work so I have tonight off, and despite shopping for gifts for him, I did not do this one tradition that we Always Do. It did not even occur to me. I just didn’t remember. And when I mentioned this to my daughter, she said “you couldn’t be subconsciously getting back at him for the mother’s day disaster, could you?” (A whole story where he was inconsiderate and one of his sister’s pointed out to him that what he did would be like mom forgetting his bday). So at first I thought, no! Of course I’m not that petty! And I didn’t even remember him slighting me on mother’s day. But as I’m really thinking about it, I have to admit that it is possible. It’s possible I unconsciously slighted him in this small way to get back at him. It’s embarrassing to admit. But I started thinking about all these PA men and how they really seem to “forget” ways to let us know we matter to them. And I started thinking about how Nothing ever gets talked about it or resolved with them and I do think it’s possible to live a life so unhappily and so unconsciously that things like this, slights small and large happen, without them even really (consciously) realizing it. Not making excuses for them by any means at all. They are cowards who *Choose* not to resolve differences and so of course the anger builds up. But I really think that when they say they forgot, that it really is true, they did. Not that that makes it any better or less hurtful for sure.
I think Mari that you forgot because you were busy. Plain and simple…because if you were “punishing” your son, you wouldn’t have done all that you did to make his day special.
None of us are perfect, we all forget things…but a PA makes a habit of forgetting…so he can punish his victim!
Wow, wonder what God was thinking to let that happen? Sure gets things out on the table!
No it won’t Charis…because her husband will blame her for everything and NOTHING will be resolved!