a day off…

You know what I hate about days off?

He takes the day off, too.

(He has his own business; he pretty much works – or doesn’t work – whenever he chooses.)

I’ve been looking forward to having today off all week long.  Well, actually, even longer than that.  Sleeping in.  Doing stuff around the house.  Enjoying a long week-end.

Unfortunately, I didn’t think about that he, too, would want to sleep in and do stuff around the house.

I turned off my alarm last night so it wouldn’t go off this morning.  It was wonderful to just sleep.  When I woke up, I thought, oh, he’ll get out of bed soon and then I can lie in bed all by myself for awhile.

Not.

He finally did get up and go to the bathroom.

Now, I thought, now I can have the bed to myself.

No such luck.  He got back into bed.

And then he started talking about the chickens: the cute sounds they make, how they are saying that they should be out in the yard already even if it is the Fourth of July.

I had already cried while he was in the bathroom.  Now I just wanted to scream and scream.

I couldn’t even think straight.  I couldn’t even come up with a Plan B since he was interfering with my Plan A.

And then he turned on his side and put his hand on me.

That was the breaking point.

I slapped his hand off, jumped out of bed, and left the bedroom, slamming the door.   Still in my nightgown, I went outside and got into my van and cried and cried and cried.  I prayed God would just kill me so I wouldn’t have to do this anymore.  I told God that I just couldn’t do it.

I felt like such a basket case, so insane, completely off my rocker.  Completely irrational.

I really didn’t want to come back in the house.  At least my daughter can hide in her room.  There is nowhere I can hide.  Except the bathroom.  But I was hungry and needed to eat.  So I finally came in the house.

He wasn’t in bed anymore; he was at the computer at the other end of the bedroom.  I at least had my little “space” where I sit on the floor with my laptop.  I got my breakfast and sat down to the companionship of the internet.

After a little bit, he came over and asked me why I hit him.

I told him that I didn’t hit him.

He said that I did hit him and that I almost broke his finger.

I told him that I didn’t mean to do that.  I told him I was trying to brush his hand off me, that I didn’t want him touching me.

He stared at me for awhile, but didn’t say anything else.  Then he left the bedroom and I heard him go out the front door.

I hope he has a lovely day with his chickens.

Actually, yesterday he said he was going to work on “The Fort” and then later go to some open house thing at a place in another city.

Maybe I will at least get the house to myself for most of the day.

Anyhow, I still can’t think very straight this morning.  There is a book I have been reading and I think it is having a huge impact, so huge I can’t even process it, on my emotions.  But maybe it will be part of a healing process for me.  We’ll see.

I’ll tell you about it another time.

I hope your enjoy your Fourth of July celebration, whatever it may be.  A couple of my siblings and their families will come over on Sunday and we will have our annual cook-out.

When I was in the van, I was wishing (I’m really, really good at wishing) that somehow, by some miracle, that today could be my Independence Day.

I wish an Independence Day for you, too.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to a day off…

  1. Mo says:

    Hi WP, I am feeling for you :-(. I know I’ve been gone for awhile, so forgive me if you’ve already gone over this … But is there any chance you could sleep somewhere else? Even on a couch, if you don’t have a spare room? I know that isn’t fair to you, but I can’t fathom the thought of sharing a bed with my husband now. (I suppose I was lucky; a few years back, before I knew anything about PA and still called him my hero, he decided to sleep in another room because “our schedules were different” … Although they weren’t, really. I just liked to read for half an hour. He said he couldn’t sleep with the book light on. But funny — he always manages to fall asleep on the couch in the middle of the day with the TV blaring and the kids yelling). Anyway, I know everything is easier said than done in these situations :-(. I was disappointed too this morning when my husband came downstairs — he never mentioned anything about having the day off. He is currently “punishing” me extra harshly with the lack of communication, information, or simple courtesies. It’s called “stonewalling” — My therapist said. I will be thinking of you today, and lifting up prayers that we will be free very soon. In 2014. Our Independence Year. Love mo

    • K says:

      Mine’s off, too. Only because there are chores to do, he’s sick. I told him to go to the doctor. I’d take him but I owe him at least a thousand times of ignoring HIS pain and illness. Sound harsh? Oh well. This guy left me in the floor passed out from dehydration because it was going to interfere with the next days work if he took me to the hospital.
      I sleep in another room now. Find a spot. Get a mattress, make a ‘day bed’ that is your place. Put a small table and lamp by it and read there, sleep there.
      Mine went through therapy. Lots has improved. Like he brings coffee. Stuff like that. As far as respect and treasuring his wife? Not so much. Still ignores phone calls, does those special little things that you know are jabs. Still tries to control, but lazy as heck for the necessary stuff.
      Got a teaching position in the fall, going to pay down some debt. I want freedom.
      You do too. Try really hard to get it.

  2. WritesinPJ's says:

    Whatever you most need to feel loved and to feel peace today, those things I wish for you to find on your path.
    Thinking of you.

  3. wornout says:

    Darnit, that’s not a good way to start what should be a nice and relaxing long weekend, huh. :( Isn’t it funny (but not), it always sounds so nice to have holidays like this off to get a break, but then we remember that our PA guys are home, too. ugghhh. I’m thinking of you. I hope the day gets better.

  4. Jane D. says:

    I hear you. I don’t like the days off either. It’s such a lot of work for me, to make sure that I am not stuck with my husband all day. We are doing okay today. Hope your day improves.

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