can’t even imagine…

I read three posts today on love.

This one:  How to Stay Together in a World That Can’t Stop Breaking Up

This one:  How to Find the Courage to Love Again

And this one:  Relationship Salve: The Practice of Intentional Dialogues

I can’t even imagine.

Especially the third one, the post by Leo Babauta…  And the man he references, John Wineland.

I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have someone care for you so much.

I have a hard time comprehending these things, that there are actually men who care enough about their wives to work to make their relationship better.  Even when it is already a good relationship, they work to make it better.

I’ve heard Dave Ramsey say that once a year he and his wife go to a marriage counselor, not because their marriage needs help, but because he wants to know what they can do to make the marriage even better.

I’ve read similar things from other authors, too.

It blows my mind.

What must that be like?

I used to dream and imagine what it would be like to be with someone who actually wanted to care for me and wanted to improve the relationship.

But that is gone now.  I don’t even remember what it was like to dream about it.

In my work with my therapist, she is trying to help me to see that I have needs.  Maybe that’s a no-brainer, but apparently, it is something I have a difficult time grasping.

(Can you say, “codependent”?)

When I was a very little girl, I learned to be quiet and to not have needs.  To just be good and don’t ask for anything.   Obviously, it was a survival mechanism at the time, but it has done lots of damage over the years (including marrying someone who wouldn’t/couldn’t give me what I need).

Now I have to do the work to get “better.”

And maybe someday I will have the courage to find love.

Real love.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to can’t even imagine…

  1. Seeing the Light says:

    I feel the same way. It’s surreal to talk to people who have husbands who want to work at actually loving their wives. I used to think it was all me. Now who and what he is has become very obvious. He says that if we would all just obey our roles, we would have joy. The family hierarchy is paramount. He is head and everyone else – me and the kids – just need to submit and follow. When I bring up love, warmth, affection – anything along those lines and how unloved I have felt and that I do not believe that he does love me, that answer is that it is not my role to decide what his love should look like. It’s not my place. So, so cold. I cringe at the thought of ever letting him touch me again. Brushing past him in the hall is all I can stand.

  2. ABR says:

    Feeling similarly. I’m just coming to the realization that I’m married to a passive-aggressive. We’ve been together for 20+ years with a 14 yr old, who is now beginning to see his issues, and has questions for me. I’ve known for yeas that he has issues, even before we were married, but I married him anyway, so in some way I blame myself. But I’m at a point now where I just can’t take it anymore. We’ve had numerous chats about the issues, but get no response from him. I quickly began writing letters to him, which would get me his version or idea of an apology, but I feel he’d do that just to smooth things over, as he hates confrontation. There are days when I just can’t believe I married him, or kind of guy. He has drained me, has me second guessing myself and feeling so uncertain and not confident. I get constant attention from men. Everyone around me thinks I’m fabulous, gorgeous, smart, etc… Not him. He only says something negative or if he doesn’t like it. Anyway, I sympathize. You’re not alone. I wish I could offer some kind of wisdom or encouragement, but…
    This probably wasn’t the best site to check out right before we head out for date night, lol!

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