I woke up depressed again. No surprise there.
(I wonder what it is like to function without depression? What would that feel like? How do people do that? What would it be like to be naturally positive and optimistic? What would it be like to wake up happy?)
I lay in bed and cried out to God that He would heal me – of the pain, of the depression. I often pray this. I cried that He would help me trust Him. I pray this one almost continually. I usually feel that He doesn’t care about me, but I try to remind myself that He has a plan for my life, that He does care.
Anyhow, I finally dragged myself out of bed.
He recently switched our cell phone plan to a cheaper one. So we had to get new phones. Smart phones. I didn’t have a smart phone before and I was fine with that. I could make calls, text, take pictures and set the alarm. I really didn’t need anything else. Really. I didn’t.
But with the new plan, I had to have the Smartphone that went with the plan. (You just think Google is your friend; Google is actually taking over the universe.) Yesterday, my number was ported over from my old phone, which I was fine with, to my phone.
When I got out of bed this morning, I “turned on” my new phone, although it was already on, but I can’t think how else to say it. I pushed that little button thingy on the side that made the screen display from being hibernated. Is that better?
There was his face.
He had taken a picture of himself with my phone and set it as the wallpaper on my phone.
You know, usually I just wish he would go away. Go away. Leave me alone. Live your life somewhere else.
But sometimes, I wish he would die.
Usually I feel guilty about wishing he would die because if he died, his parents and his siblings and his friends and his church would be sad. So I just wish he would go away.
But this morning, I wished he would just die.
I know I can figure out how to reset the wallpaper on my phone and I will make it through this newest “trick” of his.
“Nothing lasts forever….”