I woke up depressed again. No surprise there.
(I wonder what it is like to function without depression? What would that feel like? How do people do that? What would it be like to be naturally positive and optimistic? What would it be like to wake up happy?)
I lay in bed and cried out to God that He would heal me – of the pain, of the depression. I often pray this. I cried that He would help me trust Him. I pray this one almost continually. I usually feel that He doesn’t care about me, but I try to remind myself that He has a plan for my life, that He does care.
Anyhow, I finally dragged myself out of bed.
He recently switched our cell phone plan to a cheaper one. So we had to get new phones. Smart phones. I didn’t have a smart phone before and I was fine with that. I could make calls, text, take pictures and set the alarm. I really didn’t need anything else. Really. I didn’t.
But with the new plan, I had to have the Smartphone that went with the plan. (You just think Google is your friend; Google is actually taking over the universe.) Yesterday, my number was ported over from my old phone, which I was fine with, to my phone.
When I got out of bed this morning, I “turned on” my new phone, although it was already on, but I can’t think how else to say it. I pushed that little button thingy on the side that made the screen display from being hibernated. Is that better?
Guess what!
There was his face.
He had taken a picture of himself with my phone and set it as the wallpaper on my phone.
You know, usually I just wish he would go away. Go away. Leave me alone. Live your life somewhere else.
But sometimes, I wish he would die.
Usually I feel guilty about wishing he would die because if he died, his parents and his siblings and his friends and his church would be sad. So I just wish he would go away.
But this morning, I wished he would just die.
I know I can figure out how to reset the wallpaper on my phone and I will make it through this newest “trick” of his.
“Nothing lasts forever….”
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
And if you confront him with putting his picture on you phone without your permission…you would be accused of not being able to take a joke (cue the smirk), you’re too sensitive, he tries to do something that will make you smile and look at you..you’re mad, I can’t do anything right, you don’t appreciate me…blah blah blah blah blah. Now don’t you feel guilty and ashamed of yourself? :D What a complete…hmmmm I can’t come up with a somewhat nice term. Insert your own. :D
They just cannot leave us alone. He knows that will upset you and yet he does it knowing if you tell someone about it they will think he is just a nice, silly guy. Oh the absolute regurgitation of these abusers. That’s what they do, vomit on us and expect us to clean it up cheerfully…because we have them in our lives. Hand on forehead, ready to swoon. :D Sorry…chalk it up to lack of sleep. :D
Get away from him today. Go sit on a park bench and enjoy the scenery. No deep thoughts, just pure enjoyment of God. Go ahead, lean back, close your eyes and feel the sun’s warmth on your face and smile. Better? Good. Now go figure out how to get away from him…forever. The sooner the better.
Well said Gaining!! You nailed it about what would happen if he was confronted about it. And PAA, i’m actually not sure how to address you:) I think friend and kindred spirit fits:), yes, to all that you said and feel! I 100% know what you mean and feel about all of it. I often wonder what it would be like to wake up and not feel a pit in my stomache, sad, and already emotionally exhausted before the day has even begun. It would be amazing to wake up and not feel like this wouldn’t it! And OH MY GOSH to his picture on your phone. Wow. These guys are something else. And I too, have thought the same thing sometimes on wishing he would just die. And then I feel guilty for thinking that, too. It just can be so hard to see any way for things to ever change, for life to be normal and right. I know people say to just leave these guys, but it’s not that simple, huh, especially when there are kids still at home. The logistics and the huge way that it would affect the kids and upheavel their lives makes it not always possible to get out at this time. Which makes life seem so hopeless and like living groundhogs day over and over each day, huh. I like gainings idea, lets all find a way to get away from our guys for a little bit today and try and feel some peace and Gods love. I wish we lived by each other and could be real life friends, but thoughts and prayers sent your way today.
Sorry to keep bugging everybody.:) But I forgot to clarify that that’s why I can’t leave my guy now, their are too many milestones and things going on with my teenagers right now, but I know everyones situations and reasons are different. Whatever the specific reasons are for perhaps not being able to leave, we are all the same in at times feeling so trapped, sad, and hopeless, huh. :( I’m so glad we glad we have each other, girls! :)
GainingStrength: “He knows that will upset you and yet he does it knowing if you tell someone about it they will think he is just a nice, silly guy.”
I think you nailed it here!
Here’s what you’re gonna do. Go to settings, find wallpaper (in display), & change it. Then go back to settings, find passcode (probably in security), and set one of those so he can’t try it again.
*hugs* You can get through this.
alsofedupandhurt, that information was helpful to me!
Ughh! Ditto what also fed up and hurt said. Sheesh! Don’t you see enough of him already??
Thank goodness husband’s cell phone is paid for by work. Daughter and I are on a separate plan from him.
PS – You should be able to delete that picture of him too. If you run into trouble figuring it out – just ask your kids for help.
Yep! Know exactly what you’re saying and feeling!
PJ posted on 8th August ‘Space that he Respects’ and this is a similar dynamic. It is a boundary violation- a demonstration that even something like your phone, that is very personal (like your purse) will be invaded and possessed by him. It seems like a joke, but it certainly isn’t. On a lighter note, after we separated, he was dragging his feet about removing his personal possessions but he removed all of his office equipment except for a whiteboard on the office wall. I decided to make use of it and stuck up a post-it with a reminder for myself. The next day, the whiteboard was gone. The Post-it was left neatly on my desk. A friend suggested sticking post-its on all of the items that I wanted immediately removed from the house!!
Ah, reverse psychology. I’m not advocating this, just wondering what would happen if you messed with him a little by giving him a warm, sincere thank you for making a screensaver for you before you blast it to kingdom come, especially if his intention was to make you angry. Probably not the best idea i’ve ever had, but it’s fun to think about.
What a fun idea! Seriously, when their behaviour is ignored it usually gets worse as they need to ramp it up, but that does have the advantage of giving it less deniability and hopefully exposing it to others. I like the fact they all have similar traits it makes it feel less overwhelming. But then I have been lucky enough to escape!
That is so funny!
Uugh. What a frightening thing to find on your phone! Did you figure out how to get rid of his pic yet? Please make sure you change your passcode or put one on there! PA’s love to snoop!
Expat, I always thought my pa husband was so disinterested that he wouldn’t snoop, but after all these years, I’ve come to learn that he does snoop. Since then, I’ve become more wary.
Oh my gosh, same here! I thought mine was the least curious person I knew and couldn’t care less about anything to do with me. I caught him earlier this year with my journal/notes in his hands! and I have seen signs that indicate he has most likely been in my email periodically.
Me too! In fact I snooped a few times just so I knew what he did all day and night in his room (pretending to be a single dad on forums and porn). I never snooped on his phone or emails though. Until, we broke up I was unaware he had TWO private email addresses. However I thought he was totally disinterested except he would bring things up like searches and things I had done on my personal laptop (I searched : I hate my husband – lol) and also things he would mistakenly say that he could have only gotten from my diary. So yeah, he was snooping all along and totally RAGING the couple of times I did it.
Mine cracked my emails and Facebook and I found that he put a parent patrol on my computer, he can see every site and every key stroke I did. I caught him, call him on it and he denied, deflected and I don’t trust him one bit. He’s also creeping my other social media sites as well. Don’t know what he’s looking for…. Probably evidence of some kind that I cheated which I haven’t. My friends are telling me that if he’s checking for that then perhaps he has something to hide, like a mistress or two somewhere. Something to ponder.
Oooh they don’t have boundaries so your diary or personal correspondence will be fair game- I doubt they even have a sense of wrongdoing. Not wise to judge them by normal standards, especially as they can be quite paranoid.
Oh yea, I found PA Man on the computer upstairs awhile back, reading my emails from friends who are in the same kind of marriages….I was calm, but told him what a low down scummy thing to do…and my 2nd oldest was in the room at the time…And said, “Wow, really Dad??” In a VERY disgusted voice!!
I changed my password for the email and my IPAD..and he will NEVER get either one! Oh, the email password…JERKFACE! LOL! I was angry at the time..can you tell??
My ex did that too, I came home and the computer was on with all of my emails for display….. wtf!!! I called him on it, he denied it, saying it had been left like that – ummmm i don’t think so, my computer goes into sleep mode after a while. Do I look like an idiot!!!!
I have no idea how long my ex PA snooped but I remember the first time I caught him. Our computers were on the same desk but back to back for privacy. I got up and walked around him to go into the other room. He immediately windowed out of some program, I thought it suspicious so I bitc-ed until he let me see it. It was a program he downloaded (I’m guessing) to allow him to see real time every webpage address I was searching/looking at via our router. I was so mad I told him to get out and of course he refused to so I yelled at him for about 3 hours until he finally left. When he left I went through my computer looking for suspicious stuff. I found multiple programs that had been downloaded that are keystroke monitors in order to record my passwords and conversations.
Then I went through his computer and found chat logs where he told people that I was mentally unstable and how I wouldn’t marry him and poor him about the won’t marry him part. Who wants to marry a person if they are mentally unstable? But ok. Over the years I have learned A LOT about computers and how to secure things and find out if people are nosing around. Although we have been divorced 3 years I still have had old photobucket accounts/old emails hacked and had specific pictures/galleries deleted that are suspicious and makes me think it’s him. Every time I’ve left the country my ex has known about it. He knows I live overseas when I’ve even being untruthful to friends that he also knows (but doesn’t talk to) of where I was moving to. I told them a random state. (Sounds bad, but did for my safety then later told them the truth.) I’ve had him email me years later and let me know he knows I am overseas in his usual PA way. In my experience with PA’s, yeah they do snoop. It’s surprising since they act like they don’t give a crap, but information is power.
I’ve had another PA in my life, the father of my ex. And he has use of police databases which he has admitted to using for personal reasons and throughout my life has snooped into things people shouldn’t have access to. (Bank account etc). PA’s are very sick people. Really the less info they have it’s for the best and make sure to learn how to delete your history, check your electronics for keyloggers, viruses, screen capture software etc!!