(don’t know what to call this one)

Tonight I told my husband that I didn’t like my life, that sometimes I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t stand my life.

He asked what I didn’t like.

I tried to explain that everything was empty, that I hated coming home at night, that I wanted to live by myself.

He said that he loved me.

Of course, he added that he has to do everything and that I don’t do anything.  (Let’s see – who washed those clean clothes you are wearing?  Who brought home that food you are eating?  Who raised your children.  Pardon me.  I digress.)

Anyhow, he wanted to know what he could do differently.  I told him, nothing.  I did say, though, that I wished I could sleep by myself.  No answer to that one.

I told him that I felt like this was a twenty-six year experiment that has failed.

I told him that he doesn’t trust me and that I don’t trust him and that this won’t work.  He said it wasn’t too late and he wanted to know why I didn’t trust him.  (REALLY????)   I tried to explain that to him – you know, the cancelling of the credit card, the mean things he said to me about sex, the fact that he keeps two sets of book for his business, he stabs his dad in the back, he doesn’t tell me stuff.  He said we could work on trusting each other.  (Yeah.  Right.)

Anyhow….

I just wish this was all over.  I hate living here.  I hate it that it is so empty and sometimes abusive.  I hate it that I am tempted by someone else wanting to take me out.  I hate all the conflict in me.

And I hate the fear.  I hate it that I am afraid.  I am afraid to move out.  I was even afraid tonight to tell him the things I did tell him.   I hate this fear.  I just wish it was all over.

But I know that nothing is going to happen unless I do it.  Nobody is going to do anything for me.  I have to have the courage to find a place to live and to go there.

I just wish this was over.

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25 Responses to (don’t know what to call this one)

  1. lynn says:

    I understand about the wishing it was just all over. I have felt like that for 24 years. I finally separated 6 months ago and I am trying to get my life back on track. So much abuse. But I am finally living in peace, and it started by me having to make the first move. I am praying much peace over you and your situation.

  2. You gave me the gift of Melanie Beattie’s books and I’d like to ask you one little question. Why not sleep on the couch?

    I know it may be uncomfortable. I know it’s not a bed. And you’ve got the power to sleep how you want: alone. He may whine, etc., but you can sleep alone. On the couch. And if you can’t deal with his, let’s call it questions, then say your back hurts. Or your sinuses are acting up. Or you fell asleep watching television.

    But give yourself permission to draw a boundary, and sleep on the couch.

  3. Jwhowhat says:

    I found it very, very interesting that u named the things u were afraid of, and one of them was telling ur H what u told him. See, the definition of “courage” is doing that thing that scares us! You have it, gurl….and are learning every day to be more and more courageous! Be very proud of yourself for your newly-discovered courage! It builds upon itself too. You are gonna make it out – bruised and scarred maybe, but OUT. Continue to be brave! Yay, you!!

  4. tigerlilly says:

    I left the bedroom because asking him to leave would have given him something to defy. After he gaslighted me one too many times, i moved on the couch. It gave me space a boundary and peace. Soon i found i was out of reach of the P A stuff. I gained perspective and his stuff lost power over me, i couldn’t move physically ou of the house but leaving the bedroom was a start. It’s time to protect your own sanity.

  5. giorge thomas says:

    Honestly, you have been talking about these issues for a very long time, and while I am sure that this blog has been a great catharsis for you (and perhaps illuminate a talent you did not realise you had), do you not think it’s time to look back on the general tenor of these blogs?

    When you are at the point of ‘wanting it to be over’ which is stated in a defeated, suicidal manner, do you not think you should perhaps wake up to the importance in life? That it; life.

    Talk all you want about the financial difficulties of leaving and how it would work for your children, but the fact of the matter is (if your blogs have been truthful) is that you are in no better a position financially staying in the marriage, and it simply cannot be beneficial for children to see one of their parents so desperately unhappy.

    I am so flummoxed at your continued presence in what seems like a very unhappy environment that I can only assume you are staying so you have bread for your blog. Is this true? Because, as an outsider, you are not giving us any benefits for staying.

    You have opened up your life to public forum and at the moment you seem to me like a heroine walking straight into danger while we the reader are screaming out no! no! To no avail. Our cries cannot be heard.

    You have a vast amount of support on here, people who are championing to find a way out of your turmoil, and you obviously have a tremendous amount of courage (I believe it takes a stronger person to stay in an abusive relationship then leave) but sooner or later your readers will tire of the ever-going roundabout of your life. I honestly believe that there will come a time, and that time is soon, that if you decide to stay, you should suck it up and stop complaining.

    You are making the choice to stay. Not him. Not your children. Not your bank account. You. And if you do stay, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You can’t stay and continue to complain about how terrible your life is when you have the choice to go.

    Harsh words, but I think it’s high time you heard them.

    • seriously says:

      Hi Giorge, I realize that you may have gone through something similar although for a less amount of time but I have to disagree with you on the feelings that you have about this blogger. I am “stuck” in the same type of PA relationship and it’s not as easy as it’s sounds to get out. I know that the blogger has talked to her PAH several times, has requested that he leave, has requested to leave and yes financially whether she is no better with or without him doesn’t make any difference. I understand completely what this blogger is going through, the PA hurts you, then loves you, then gaslights you, then loves you and they are SO SO good at making you believe for such a long time that everything will work out, that they will change, that they will be good and they are so good at making you feel worthless and unloved and destabilize you that staying “seems” easier than leaving, that leaving would be a catastrophy and that you coulnd’t possibly “live” without this. It’s like a drug that you cannot kick, you are addicted. It’s like going on a rollercoaster that doesn’t stop. Then you wake up and it’s 20 some odd years later. Venting is the only thing that keeps you sane, and yes this blogger is extremely brave, I agree with that because staying is possible the hardest thing to do but at the moment it’s the only thing that she can allow herself to do. Personally, I get alot from her, she keeps me sane, because I do not feel so alone. You “kicking” her into leaving will do nothing for her self esteem nor will it make her decision any better, I know people have tried to do that with me and it only confirmed that I was not “strong” enough. Please keep it positive for all our sakes.

      • seriously says:

        and I feel that when she is “good and ready” she will leave, I’m hanging on to that hope for her sake and mine. It’s easy for people to say “GET OUT” but for the person living with PA people, it’s not that easy. It’s worse than being beaten and physically abused. So many have tried to get me to see that leaving was the only option and that I could do it, but I cannot, I have tried, I am always lured by his promises, guilted into staying for the children’s “sake”, the mental game is SO difficult to live with that you just give in to get rid of the situation if only temporarily. I believe the blogger is getting stronger, one step at a time, I read back some of the blogs and I feel that she has made much progress and I am proud of her. Blogger sister – I AM PROUD OF YOU!! Thank you for doing this, you have no idea what I get from it! xo
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      • giorge thomas says:

        Did you not see the positivity? Sometimes people need hard love. I stand by my comment. The only thing you can do in this situation is help yourself.

        I don’t think it matters whether it’s five years or twenty years – the situation is the same. Do you not think I really what it’s like? I heard all the same excuses. ‘It’ll be different when this happens.’ ‘I’ll change when we do this…’ Yes, I have gone through it. I still remember the horrible sound of my ex shuffling his way to my bedroom (yes, I was fortunate enough to move to a room of my own) there are still nightmares there.

        I had just as much guilt at staying. My ex was left a paraplegic for a while after a car accident he caused. We were sued by everyone else involved and I was left with a debt I am still paying off to this day. How could I leave a man who is disabled, even if he eventually walked again? That would make me a horrible person, no? Those were the thoughts running through my head. The excuses I gave myself to stay. It didn’t occur to me at the time that if my ex was capable enough to beat down the toilet door while I cowered, terrified, behind it, that maybe he was capable enough to live on his own.

        This woman at least had her family. My ex had cunningly weeded mine out of my life. ‘They don’t care about you Ike I do. No one loves you like I do.’ I left with the knowledge that I would have absolutely no support from anyone. But I did it. Why? Because I reached that same point. I couldn’t go on anymore. And while I choked on the handfuls of pills I was trying desperately to stuff down my throat, I really thought it was my only option. And then one day I woke up and two thoughts occurred to me. 1) he was never going to change. 2) this is how my life would be in ten, twenty, thirty years time. There was no point complaining about my lot unless I did something about it.

        This woman does not need permission from her husband to leave. The only permission she needs is her own.

        She records her experiences in a public forum, which opens her up to be subjected. This I have done. This isn’t about me kicking her when she’s down – because to be honest I don’t think she can get any more down than she is – it’s about trying to shake into her the essence of her situation. She’s written for years about how terrible her life is, wondering if she will ever be happy and yet the key to her happiness is already held – by her.

        Yes, it’s very simple – leaving. In essence it is a simple solution. But it is her only one. I stand by what I said: if she doesn’t leave, than she needs to accept her lot and get on with it – no more complaints. It’s like when someone forgives a partner for cheating. If you do so, you have given up the right to use the indiscretion against the partner. YOU made the decision to forgive and therefore YOU must stand by it.

        This isn’t about the husband anymore, it’s about her. No one is culpable for their own emotions anymore. You can’t continually complain about the terrible situation YOU are in and do nothing about it.

    • lynn says:

      It saddens me when others judge a person who is in an abusive situation. As I mentioned before I finally found the courage to leave my very abusive marriage after 24 years. It was still not easy. I left with PTSD, trouble making serious decisions, shame and guilt of all kinds. My therapist informed me that the reasons many women stay in an abusive situation is because they don’t get much support, physiological damage has occurred on some level to the brain and a phenomenon called traumatic bonding. After a person endures a certain amount of abuse, we no longer function on the same level as those who have not been abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical. You might want to read 2 books: The Betrayal Bond by Patrick J. Carnes and Hijacked by your Brain by Dr. Julian Ford and Jon Wortmann. I too felt suicidal at times, discouraged beyond words and hopeless for many years. I too found people like you, sitting on their high horse without a clue, handing out their own uneducated judgments. What a person needs when deciding to leave an abusive relationship is love and encouragement. I see neither in your post. I commend the writer of this blog. If writing allows her to vent and to find hope in her situation, then I encourage her to continue. This is the first step for her. As my therapist told me, begin with baby steps. And that is exactly what I did, which eventually gave me the courage to finally leave. I highly recommend that you educate yourself further on the subject of domestic violence.

      • Jwhowhat says:

        Well-stated, lynn.

      • giorge thomas says:

        See my previous reply. There was love in my comment, just tough.

        Don’t think I haven’t suffered and continue to suffer from my own experience. When I was in my situation I didn’t have love and support from anyone. I realised I could only get it from myself, as the writer needs to do.

        I quite like being up here on the horse – I can see a lot more.

    • mourninglight says:

      giorge, I’ll put my responses in brackets.

      Honestly, you have been talking about these issues for a very long time
      [Yes? And the point of this comment is?],

      and while I am sure that this blog has been a great catharsis for you
      [a reasonable assumption, but I will say it’s been helpful to me]

      (and perhaps illuminate a talent you did not realise you had)
      agree, [most definitely a talented writer],

      do you not think it’s time to look back on the general tenor of these blogs?
      [You assume that the writer doesn’t?]

      When you are at the point of ‘wanting it to be over’ which is stated in a defeated, suicidal manner, do you not think you should perhaps wake up to the importance in life? That it; life.
      [Are you assuming the writer doesn’t weigh the importance of life?]

      Talk all you want about the financial difficulties of leaving and how it would work for your children, but the fact of the matter is (if your blogs have been truthful) is that you are in no better a position financially staying in the marriage,
      [This may be true. The writer recently received a promotion, and has consequently been exploring finding an apartment. On the other hand, I’m not privy to her financial responsibilities, needs, or income.]]

      and it simply cannot be beneficial for children to see one of their parents so desperately unhappy.
      [sarcasm on: Children? Thank goodness you reminded the writer that there are children to consider! sarcasm off]

      I am so flummoxed at your continued presence in what seems like a very unhappy environment that I can only assume [ass<–Ume]

      you are staying so you have bread for your blog. Is this true?
      [sarcasm back on: Well darn. There goes my plan to be abused for years and years so I could profit from it.]

      Because, as an outsider, you are not giving us any benefits for staying.
      [giorge, if you've just eaten, does that mean no one else experiences hunger? If you're wearing warm clothing, is it impossible that anyone else in the same room could feel cold? Your use of the collective 'you' seems either narcissistic or incredibly immature.]

      You have opened up your life to public forum and at the moment you seem to me like a heroine walking straight into danger while we the reader are screaming out no! no! To no avail. Our cries cannot be heard.
      [I'm glad you call the writer a heroine, because I also view her as such. We agree on this. What makes you assume any cries on this blog aren't heard? Your choices, your timing, your strengths, weaknesses, insights, and blind spots are just that… yours, and yours alone.
      Others here are not a lifeless audience waiting for your opinions to animate our thinking and choices. Respect that we are autonomous individuals. Respect that the writer is an individual doing her best on a day to day basis, and it may look different than you.]

      You have a vast amount of support on here, people who are championing to find a way out of your turmoil, and you obviously have a tremendous amount of courage (I believe it takes a stronger person to stay in an abusive relationship then leave) but sooner or later your readers will tire of the ever-going roundabout of your life.
      [There you go again, speaking for others, as though we were mere appendages of you.]

      I honestly believe that there will come a time, and that time is soon, that if you decide to stay, you should suck it up and stop complaining.
      [I honestly believe you would benefit from less pride, more empathy, and maturity.]

      You are making the choice to stay. Not him. Not your children. Not your bank account. You.
      [This is essentially true, but stated in an egregiously flawed simplicity that leaves it not entirely true. If you spent enough time at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, you might understand.]

      And if you do stay, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You can’t stay and continue to complain about how terrible your life is when you have the choice to go. [This is beyond narcissistic. It's arrogant and controlling, and completely inaccurate. You giorge, on the other hand, really do have the choice to go. I will be pleasantly surprised if you have the humility to stay, learn, and grow.]

      Harsh words, but I think it’s high time you heard them. [Indeed.]

      • giorge thomas says:

        Does no one understand the power of YOU? No one? That WE are responsible? This is about the power in ourselves to make a change for the better, not continually blame others for our unhappiness.

        You cannot grow in an environment that this woman is in. You can’t. The curtains are drawn, no light’s getting in and only SHE has the power to sweep them aside and bask in the sun. I cannot believe the ignorance here, I really can’t.

        It’s a shame that you have been placed in a position where all you see is arrogance, narcissism and immaturity in those expressing their own views, gained from experience and study. I hope that you, too, will be able to learn and grow and thus understand the true nature of someone’s advice, rather than instantly seeing the negative in it. I get it, though. When you’ve been abused for so long, you tend to see the bad in everything, everything is offensive to you. But don’t worry, with life and distance comes the ability to see things more clearly. I’m sure you’ll get there soon.

      • lynn says:

        WELL SAID, and COMPLETELY spot on.

  6. I can understand how you feel. It’s easy to know what you need to do but far more difficult to do it. It’s hard to walk away when your partner is making the right noises (even if they are not backed up with actions) because then it’s you who is ending the relationship If, like me, you seem to receive the blame for everything, then it’s one more responsibility you don’t want to bear alone; possibly even the ultimate responsibility. I can’t advise you because I’m in a similar situation, but I am working on letting go of fear and setting boundaries, and so far that has not been as bad as I expected. Continue to grow and be strong x

  7. Sofia Leo says:

    Sleeping on the couch is a good start and will give you a bit of distance so you can clear your head. You should also talk to a lawyer and tell him/her about the double books and anything else incriminating that you know about so you can use it as leverage later because your hubby is going to screw you if he can. Expose hubby’s abuse for what it is.

    We all love and support you and those of us who have been there understand how hard it is to even START to make steps towards leaving. Remember the influence your actions have on your daughters and their futures. Be strong for them if you can’t be strong for yourself.

  8. mourninglight says:

    “After a person endures a certain amount of abuse, we no longer function on the same level as those who have not been abused. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical.” ~lynn

    “the PA hurts you, then loves you, then gaslights you, then loves you and they are SO SO good at making you believe for such a long time that everything will work out, that they will change, that they will be good and they are so good at making you feel worthless and unloved…It’s like going on a rollercoaster that doesn’t stop. Then you wake up and it’s 20 [or more] some odd years later.” ~seriously (brackets mine)

    trauma bonding
    PTSD
    conditioning (brainwashing)
    cognitive dissonance
    gaslighting
    learned helplessness

    Think of someone who has been covertly abused over a long period of time as akin to someone who has been covertly poisoned over a long period of time. The impact will be slightly varied depending on the amount of poison, the time endured, and the health/state of the victim to begin with and throughout. If the victim of physical poisoning were to simultaneously endure an accident or another illness, it would most probably exacerbate the effects of the poison. Also, the effects of some poisons build and are cumulative. In other words, there are variables. Those lacking insight, experience, or kindness can fail to factor this in.

  9. lynn says:

    Mourninglight, your responses show you are correct, educated in the trauma of domestic violence and show a large amount of empathy and sincerity for those in a painful situation. Giorge’s responses prove that she is quite immature, lacking empathy and uneducated in the matters of domestic violence. Giorge, just curious, did you have children when you left your abuser? And by your own admission, if we are completely responsible for everything then you have no right for blaming your ex for weeding out YOUR family, keeping you from having any support. By your own admission that would have been YOUR fault. Clearly you are still very bitter but directing your anger to the wrong person. And yes Giorge, you are kicking her when she is down (extremely narcissistic). You are NOT giving tough love. Shame on you especially since you claim to have been abused previously.

    • lynn says:

      And Giorge, domestic violence and each person’s situation is NEVER black and white. NEVER.

    • mourninglight says:

      giorge, again my responses in brackets.

      Does no one understand the power of YOU? No one? That WE are responsible?
      This is about the power in ourselves to make a change for the better, not continually blame others for our unhappiness.
      [giorge, it’s not emotionally mature or reasonable to insist that every person experiences something in the same individual way. A pregnant woman won’t be pregnant forever, but it’s not as though at a specified time, each woman routinely goes into labor, has the same number and length of contractions, and with the same number of pushes, then delivers a baby.
      The truth is that YOU decided that the writer of this blog should be ready, was ready, and therefore needed to do what you think/say and when/how you say it.
      I sincerely doubt that any reader thinks she should stay or wants her to stay. I do think that most of us believe that she is taking the step by step by step way required for HER to be ready to leave. Taking these steps as she can and needs to as an individual, while continuing to write about her journey, daring to be raw and unfiltered, is a kind of courage that shines, whether the writer sees it yet or not.

      You refer to blaming others. If you become familiar with almost any community of women who have been abused, one of the first stages of recovery is the woman asking others “Is this abuse? Is he abusive? What about x,y,z?” From there, the woman slowly begins the process of being able to thaw out the emotional tissue that’s been numbed by abuse. This process includes being able to sort out what is abusive or not, what is healthy or not etc. As awareness grows, as denial recedes, as the wounds are exposed to air and light, the pain often ascends to a frightening level that feels unbearable, and varies with the individual. In fact, with enough years (or sometimes less duration in time but greater trauma in intensity of abuse), the victim of emotional abuse will experience a literal change physiologically in neural pathways. It’s called learned helplessness, and it means not being able to process that there is a safe space. Among the recommendations given by professionals to help someone in recovery, you won’t find blaming and shaming.]

      You cannot grow in an environment that this woman is in. You can’t. The curtains are drawn, no light’s getting in and only SHE has the power to sweep them aside and bask in the sun. I cannot believe the ignorance here, I really can’t.
      [No one is encouraging the author of this blog to stay and be abused.
      There are some here who have already left abusive relationships, and their gentle, encouraging voices continue to express validation of making it safely to the other side. The reality for many is that it’s not a safe journey. Each woman innately knows this, and also innately senses what she’s up against. Some women pay a higher price than others for freedom, and safety isn’t guaranteed. Attacking the messenger(s), and berating a community of abused women for being ignorant, is not helpful. Perhaps you consider your ‘harsh words’ a kind of tough love, for you seem to express that you want something good/better for the writer of this blog, but in this case your ‘harsh words’ resemble someone behaving in an unkind and judgmental manner.]

      It’s a shame that you have been placed in a position where all you see is arrogance, narcissism and immaturity in those expressing their own views, gained from experience and study.
      [giorge, I see many, many things when others express their own views. You make yet another sweeping judgment based upon a faulty assumption. I saw what looked like arrogance when you delivered a scathing, belittling judgment to the author of this blog. I saw what looked like narcissism in your assumptions that seemed to not perceive other realities and views than your own. I hope I saw immaturity in your defensiveness and lack of understanding.]

      I hope that you, too, will be able to learn and grow and thus understand the true nature of someone’s advice, rather than instantly seeing the negative in it. I get it, though. When you’ve been abused for so long, you tend to see the bad in everything, everything is offensive to you. But don’t worry, with life and distance comes the ability to see things more clearly. I’m sure you’ll get there soon.
      [giorge, it seems rather arrogant, even grandiose, to assume that you know at all how I perceive the advice of others, or to assume that I instantly see the negative. That is one possibility, but rather a stretch on your part. It’s also a possibility that I actually saw something legitimately wrong and negative in what you refer to as your advice.
      Yes, with life and distance come many things, so here we part ways, and time will tell the truth.]

      • Enough Already says:

        I think you all are making valid points. I think Giorge is making valid points. I think it is abusive in itself to attack Giorges comments by name calling: “narcissistic, unempathetic, immature”. And it’s passive aggressive to imply that she is all of these negative things. She is offering a different point of view. You can disagree, but no one should resort to the very tactics this blog and readers have suffered through. I personally Have lost count of how many times I have told my own PAH “I just cannot express myself to you If it’s something that you do not agree with.” Anytime I tell him something or I told him how I feel about something that he doesn’t agree with (Or I suppose isn’t molded out of his control) he shuts me down with name calling, guilt and shaming me into silence. There are so many strong readers and writers here in this forum, strong courageous women, and sadly but fortunately we have a safe space, here, to express ourselves.

      • mourninglight says:

        Enough Already,

        I hear what you’re saying, yet because of what this blog is about, I will say that it’s distressingly reminiscent of a lifetime of others wanting the REALITY of passive aggressive abuse to be ignored, hushed up, dismissed, or denied because it’s disturbing to them.

        These are the words that began this:

        giorge: “you have been talking about these issues for a very long time,
        …I can only assume you are staying so you have bread for your blog.”

        I’m not trying to take giorge’s comments above out of context, but rather point out what’s at the heart of what was terribly wrong in her comments. I wasn’t the first to respond to the comments, and this was the flippant response to another poster:

        giorge: “I quite like being up here on the horse – I can see a lot more.
        …I cannot believe the ignorance here, I really can’t.”

        Your comment here: “You can disagree, but no one should resort to the very tactics this blog and readers have suffered through.” felt almost like gaslighting to me. Gaslighting, in its very nature, causes one to question reality, and become disoriented and confused about having a normal reaction to something abnormal. What giorge launched at the author of this blog may have had some good intentions, but it was akin to sending food packages into a war zone with a grenade tied to opening the box, and expecting the starving recipient to be grateful for bread even though their arm was just blown off.

        You (EA) said: “I think it is abusive in itself to attack Giorges comments by name calling: “narcissistic, unempathetic, immature”
        “And it’s passive aggressive to imply that she is all of these negative things.”

        I think that discerning the nature of comments or behaviors is quite different than saying the person is a narcissist etc. Let me be completely clear that I’m responding to describing the very specific words of giorge or attitude taken, and not giorge herself. Here, I only know any of you by your words.

        I’m not sure of what your needs are to feel ‘safe’, but my needs are for a space in which someone can struggle, stumble, take three steps forward and two back, regroup and take another step (for however long it takes), and process what feels like going crazy without being judged. For me, having a safe space means that when someone behaves in an extremely disrespectful and insulting manner, I can say ‘Hey, that was totally not okay!’.

        There’s a verse that says “Be angry, and sin not.” It’s not always easy to navigate that, but I do know that I am much more likely throughout my life to be silent when someone launches a salvo at me. I’ll take my time to filter and process it, and walk away from it. I will tell you that giorge’s initial response to the opening post/blogger felt very much like witnessing a kind of emotional bullying that ended with the self-absolution that decreed harsh words were called for.

        I disagreed, said so, and explained why. When a person offends someone (aka behaves/speaks abusively to someone), and the person offended speaks up in protest, it’s rather ludicrous for the one who initially offended to say “I find it offensive that you took offense at my offending you!”

        That is called crazymaking, and that is what shuts down someone who’s been wounded.

        Perhaps a good blog topic or article would be to explore ‘What Helped Me Grow, What Shut Me Down”.

  10. seriously says:

    Giorge I’m glad you found a way out, and I understand that you were trying to be helpful, I can speak from experience that when someone is forceful like that, it makes the abused person step back, and feels very much like someone is pushing you into a corner, kind of like when you’re PAH is doing that by being manupulative with what they may call “tough love”. Ie. well if you did MY way, you would be more successful, if you didn’t do that or if you did that, etc etc etc….
    People have approached me with “you have to leave – you can only do it for yourself, I will no longer listen to you complain” and that left me in silence for so many years until I woke up one day with so much anger and resentment, I never told anyone else about the abuse and it turned into 22 years of PTSD with no more abilities to trust my own decisions.
    I hope you understand that in order for this blogger to find her inner strenght, the outsiders will and should continue to be supportive in a loving and helpful way, I reread your comments and again I see that you were trying to be helpful but it felt a bit too “passive agressive” sorry – but I got used to calling it like it is.

  11. Fern says:

    I agree with the others here. You are not in the position yet to separate/divorce physically, which I myself TOTALLY get (so many things (financial, housing, insurance, lawyer fees just to name a few examples) to fall into place before that can happen — like pieces of a puzzle). But while it’s not in your power quite yet to take the steps to physically divorce him, it IS within your power to take the steps to MENTALLY divorce him. Grieve and mourn for your lost marriage, and the hopes and dreams that went along with it. But declare it over in your own mind, and then move on to focus on yourself, your interests and goals. And please do lay claim to the couch. You definitely need to carve out your own personal space within the shared home, until that time that you can move out to a home of your own. Like someone else said, asking him to take the couch wont work — it only serves to give him something to oppose, refuse and defy. But YOU can take the couch, and he really can’t say a thing about it….

  12. mourninglight says:

    Here’s a song for any and all here, The Lowering by the Avett Brothers

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