First, thank you all for your wonderful, encouraging comments. I really appreciate them, and you.
I woke up so horribly depressed this morning. Part of it is because of missed sleep. Part of it is just me. I do think about getting medication for it, but I would rather not. I need to love myself better and take better care of myself.
Yesterday afternoon, I had a job interview for the second job I applied for. (See post.) For some reason, I feel sad about taking that job, if it is offered to me. (She said I would know by the end of the week.) I’m not sure why. I think I would be very good at the job and it would certainly keep me busy and I can even see myself enjoying it. Also, over time, there would be opportunity for advancement, if I wanted to advance, which I probably would want to do. Maybe it is just change that gets me down. But I do need to do something different than what I am doing. If I do get the job, I will probably be just fine with it. And since it is in the same office, I already know the men I would be working for and I am comfortable with all of them.
So that was part of my depression. I know that sounds silly, to be sad that I might get a job I applied for!
Another part of my depression is my husband. Over the week-end, since his dad had the strokes, I haven’t seen very much of him, which is okay. I don’t mind that. I wrote about feeling more lonely in a previous post. (See post.) So I have felt that loneliness. But the thing that gets me is that he does text updates to me about his dad. But they are the same updates that he sends to his brothers and sisters and Josh. Which is okay. But there is nothing more for me. It’s like somehow I don’t count as special to him. I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s not like I’m his wife. It’s not like we’re in this together. I’m just another person on the list. I’m trying to be there for him. I’m hurting for him, feeling for him, because that’s who I am. But then I feel relegated to nothing. I don’t know if this is making sense. I hope so.
Last night I told him some of this, about feeling like I didn’t really matter to him in all of this. He said that I mattered to him very much and all the time he was at the hospital with his dad, he was scared and lonely and wanted to be home with me. I believe him. But I pointed out to him that that is not what he said, that that is not the way he treated me. He said he was sorry. And I believe him.
This morning I felt so hopeless because I know that when we get closer, then he does something to hurt it. So there is no hope for a closer relationship. And then I start feeling hopeless about my whole entire life. And thinking that nobody would ever want me or love me.
Today he texted me several times. Nice texts, asking me how I was doing. When I told him I was tired and that I wouldn’t have a long enough lunch to go to the gym (I’m in training sessions for a new software we are getting. A very, very cool software, but also pretty scary!), he said that I looked so good, that I didn’t need to go to the gym. I told him thank you, but that going to the gym made me feel better. He said that is was important that I feel good as well as look good.
So, he was being sweet to me today.
When I finished with the gym after work, there was a text from him, telling me he had to take something to his dad, but that he would be home at 8:00 and that he was looking forward to seeing me.
And I was looking forward to seeing him. He was being sweet. He seemed like he was being understanding. I was thinking maybe I could talk to him a little.
I wanted to talk to him about how we’ll get closer for a few hours or a few days, and then he will do something to hurt that closeness. (This is part of passive aggressive behavior – destroying relationships.) But then I was thinking, every time I feel like I might want to be with him, talk with him, something happens to hurt that. But I told myself, don’t be silly. It’ll be okay this time.
About the time I’m starting dinner, I get a text from him saying that he is going to eat dinner with his brother and he’ll be home after awhile.
Fine. Whatever. At first I was really, really mad and hurt. I had been looking forward to seeing him, but, no.
It is okay, though. This brother is in town because their dad is in the hospital. I do understand. I really do. It’s just uncanny, though, how these things work out.
He’s sweet to me. I want to see him. He has dinner with his brother.
Later he calls me and tells me [a long story] with the result being that he has to stay with his mom tonight.
You know what? I’m fine with that. I’m looking forward to having the bed to myself and relaxing in my sleep.
And maybe I won’t wake up depressed.