Well, I told Julie, the therapist, that I felt like giving up. Just quitting. Not even trying anymore. I told her that maybe I should just be content with the fact that I have a roof over my head (albeit a leaking roof) and a job. I told her that I didn’t see myself ever making any more money and that maybe I should just stop trying, stop thinking about wanting to leave. I told her about what I wrote about in this post last week.
I told her that if he were blatantly abusive, it would be easier to leave. She said that she hears that a lot. She said that people grow apart, that if they aren’t growing together in a relationship, then they are growing apart. She said that sometimes people just outgrow each other. It is what it is.
I told her about him saying he is changing, about him sometime being nicer. She asked me, even if he did change, do I really want him. I told her that we are so different in our approaches. Things that I am concerned about – leaking roof, income, money for retirement, a relationship with our daughters – he doesn’t seem concerned about at all.
She talked about the fact that he doesn’t support me emotionally. He’s not there for me. She said that he is not going to change. She asked me what I would say to me my daughters, what I would want for my daughters if they were in my situation.
She asked me if I had a terminal illness, would I regret staying in my marriage. And I told her, yes, I would, that I want so much more for my life.
I asked her if it was ok to leave, just because I wanted more. She said, yes. She later said that my perspective was skewed that I would have to ask that question. She said that living with him all these years has skewed my perspective.
She told me that I need to move forward in my life. I told her about wanting a different, more fulfilling job. She told me to look around at job listings and gave me suggestions for moving in the direction that I want to go. She told me to start looking at houses and apartments. She said I didn’t have to make any decisions – just explore options.
I told her I wish there was a knight in shining armor to rescue me and carry me away. I said this half laughing, but it’s true. She said this is something I have to do for myself and by myself. (I know she’s right and I wonder why I think I want to be rescued rather than rescuing myself. That’s something I want to explore sometime.)
She said I was afraid of change. She said that I talk myself out of doing what I need to do. She said I need to think about why I do that. We talked a little about why I doubt myself so much.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Maybe part of you is still a hurt little girl longing to be rescued- a little child too young to rescue herself. However, the adult part of you is capable of saving you or destroying you. Just a thought.
Hi, Kristin ~ when I was two and a half, I was sent away to live with another family, a family I did not know, for about six months because my mom was deathly ill. She did recover and I did go back home, but sometimes I really wonder the full impact that that had on me. I’ve not really dealt with it much at all. Maybe I still am that little girl, wanting to be good enough to be rescued. Thank you for your though ~ I really appreciate it!
You are your knight in shining armor. The strength is within you. Don’t look for help. Help yourself. Your other issues will slowly resolve when you move on in life.
Sharing few personal epiphanies from a blog post day of epiphanies:
When you give yourself a chance to do what your heart desires, your life is filled with immense physical and emotional strength to fulfill unimaginable wishes.
People can give you only what they have in their lives. If they have anger, they will give you anger. If they have love, they will give you love.
Risk means nothing. You are just giving yourself a CHANCE to change things. You deserve it.
You deserve better. Your mission in life is not to change or improve him, your mission is to do whatever you can to improve your self and your life.
Wow! Your comments are really amazing! I keep thinking about what you said… give yourself a chance. I don’t give myself a chance, do I?
Sometimes we don’t give ourself a chance because we think we do not have the capability to handle it; so we call it a risk, a stupid thought or set some pre conditions.
Like I tell myself, when I will turn 35 , I will start working in social /developmental projects when I know I can start right now:)
Once you take that first step, within few months things will get sorted. I assure you that because you will be able to think clearly.
Lots of love!
Sometimes we don’t give a chance to our self as we think we do not have the strength to handle it; so we call it a risk, a stupid thought or set pre-conditions. Like I tell myself, when i turn 35, i will start working in social/ developmental projects, when i know i can start it right away.
Just take the first step, rest everything will get sorted in 3-4 months because you will have the time and space to think clearly.
Are you afraid of success? Are you afraid that if you went out on your own you would be so happy that you would have so much regret about the time you wasted in an unfulfilled relationship that you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself? Are you afraid that HIS life will be better if you leave? Are you afraid about what people will say? Are you afraid that anything you try will fall to shit and you’ll be sorry you took such a big chance? Are you afraid of making ends meet?
I’m here to tell you that your fears are unfounded! I got out. My life is freakin’ fantastic, with luck, support, good friends, money and success coming my way so fast I almost don’t have time to sleep.
The only guarantee is that you won’t have to deal with a relationship that causes you pain every moment of every day. Anything better than that is frosting on your Life Cake and well worth the risk of anything bad happening. Be the Knight in your own life! Take back control and show that little girl that sometimes the knights in shining armor are douchebags in tinfoil :-)
Yes, I am afraid of success. (I realized that a few days ago.) I’m a little afraid of what people will say, mostly the people in the church that I go to, that I am thinking about not going to anymore. I am also afraid of failing, of being with nothing, of having nothing to help my daughters. I am afraid of making ends meet. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t be as afraid of stepping out if it were just me. I feel like maybe I would be willing to risk that, but I don’t want to take a chance of somehow failing my daughters. Even though one of them lives away from home, I do give her a little extra money. I want to be able to help her if she needs help.
I guess there is no guarantee where I am, though. I mean, the house could burn down tomorrow and I could lose everything. He could lose his business somehow and then we would have nothing. Even though I feel safer where I am, there is no guarantee in that. It is mostly financial fears.
I also, in one way, fear being alone. I know this is going to sound silly, because I am already alone even though I am “with” him. In many ways, I am perfectly fine with my own company. I love being able to do what I want to do when I have my own time. I love being able to focus on a project, whether home or garden or sewing, and just get it done without interruption. I like to watch what I want to watch and go where I want to go. So I don’t “need” someone from that perspective. But sometimes I get afraid that no one would ever want me, that no one would ever be attracted to me, that I would never have a partner, a companion, someone to share the joys of life with. Like I said, I don’t really have that with him, either. Maybe the tiniest bit occassionally. I think sometimes I am afraid of letting go of that tiny little bit because what if it is all I ever get to have? And, no, I don’t ever think, what if I could have so much more! Which is stupid. Which is what I see Julie trying to get me to think about.
I am so looking foward to being by myself this week end! Why can’t I get that to translate to my future!?!
I thank you so much for your encouragement. I think of you so often in regards to the choices you made and the steps you took to get your life back.
Okay, so the worst that could happen is that you don’t have enough money to get by, right? Let’s start there. Have you done some research about housing options yet? Have you come to terms with the fact that you might not be able to afford living in the style that you dream of, at least not right away? So you end up in a crappy little apartment with your daughter for awhile. Is that so bad? She wants you away from him, and he’s her father, so that should tell you how happy she would be to have breakfast, just the two of you, every morning no matter where you live. I would be willing to bet that she would do anything she could to support you :-) A roof over your heads is totally do-able!
You’ve posted about what both of your daughters think about your marriage, and it seems to me that they would both be thrilled to see you away from them, and I really doubt they would be the least bit put out if you couldn’t give them any cash for awhile. Ask them and see what they say. The only way you could fail your daughters is if you died a lonely, bitter old woman who stayed with an abusive husband because you were too scared to take a chance at a better life.
If your church does not support a woman getting away from an abusive relationship, well, I won’t get into what I think about that except to say that maybe they aren’t the people you should be associating with. If they aren’t living what they preach, what good does it do you? You don’t need a church to talk to God.
If you weren’t married, why do you think you would be alone? You could smile back at the guy at the gym and talk to him without any guilty thoughts. Hell, he might even ask you out for coffee. Maybe it turns into something more. Maybe he has a friend who he introduces that turns out to be your Dream Guy. Maybe not, but isn’t it worth the risk? They say that as soon as you don’t NEED a man in your life the Right One shows up. We women need to be able to stand on our own two feet before we ever get involved with a man and maybe this is your time to really learn that lesson – taking care of YOU first and then making room to let someone special in. The only reason you doubt your ability to attract a suitable mate is because HE has taken away your self confidence, but that can be regained with a bit of time.
You don’t have to settle for “a little bit!” You don’t have to make do with the crumbs he throws your way. You can step out and shape your own destiny. Come on in! The water’s fine :-)
“She asked me, even if he did change, do I really want him. ” That’s the thing that hit me out of your post! My hubby has been nicer lately. A lot nicer. But I’m am so sad to say that even though he is nicer, I’m not sure I even really like him! I know that is horrible but so true. If he was someone I met today for the first time, I doubt I’d even want to be friends with him. Sigh.
I think that is a huge question we both need to find an answer for!
Yeah, if I met my husband now, I wouldn’t be impressed AT ALL. I wouldn’t be interested in the least. I think, too, that he is a habit; he’s been in my life for so long; he’s familiar. But if I stop and think about what I want, what I always did want, this is not it. I just have to have the courage to leave.