Today we swapped vehicles. I drove his rattle-trap truck to work. He and Josh, his employee, took my van to go to a trade show. They definitely got the better end of the deal!
He left a bouquet of flowers for me in the truck, with a card that said:
Dear [my name],
Thank you for letting me take the van today. I really appreciate it.
Thank you also for helping me with the tree identification. That was very helpful and I enjoyed it.
I’m sorry that I got your eggs done late. I forgot about making them for you until I got into the kitchen late. I beg your forgiveness not only for that, but for all the other things I’ve messed up. The card isn’t big enough to list them all, but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
I hope that you have a nice day and that you enjoy the flowers as a small token of appreciation.
I love you.
[his name]
So, obviously very sweet.
But I don’t know what to think.
I am so tired right now. I don’t know if it means anything will change. I don’t know if he would actually be open to discussing some things that bother me. I don’t know if he is just being sweet for the moment because I haven’t done or said anything that makes him uncomfortable.
You would think that I would like it when he does sweet things, but, in reality, it makes me crazy. If he was sweet all the time, I could deal with that! But the nice, mean, nice, mean stuff – that is crazy-making.
And when he is in a “nice” phase, then I start thinking that I should stay. And that makes me crazy, too.
Right now, I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it. I wish I had a nice, quiet, comfortable, peaceful place to just curl up and go to sleep. And I wish that when I woke up, it was all a bad dream.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
It’s not real. He does this whenever he feels you’re slipping away for good, right? It’s part of the game, and the reason you feel tired and crazy about it is because it’s designed to make you tired and crazy.
Yeah. When he thinks I am “slipping away,” he either gets really nice or really “mean” – in a passive aggressive way.
I wish I wouldn’t keep buying into this. I know, I know – I need to just get away already!!! Then I could rest and think clearly.
He’s not going to change. Why should he? You’re still there.
You’re right. He has no reason to change. There are no consequences to his actions. Yet…..
Sofia is right. he does this so that you’ll keep second guessing yourself. And when you leave him and move on with your life, he’ll pretend to be confused, after all he got you flowers.
My ex used to do this too – when i’d say this wasn’t working, or that i’d had enough, or if i just stopped talking to him, he would do something nice. He’d be nice for a whole day. Maybe even two. But then, he’d be right back to his old ways…one tiny manipulative, gas lighting, passive aggressive thing at a time.
Yes, he always goes back to being the same. And he’ll definitely pretend to be confused when I leave. After all, he tried his best to love me. Ha!
Wish I could talk to him for you. Perhaps we should all take charge of someone else’s relationship and tell them the truth. They (men) obviously can’t see it. So tiring. We’re here for you.
So far, he hasn’t listened when anyone has tried to tell him something!!! He just wants to do what he wants to do. He doesn’t think he is wrong in anything.
I’m glad you’re there. :}
it’s so weird to read about someone’s else life and recognize yourself in it!! Mine has been nice lately because he knows i’m on the edge of leaving…. if I decide to trust him again, i’m up shit’s creek and things will go back or not? question i ask myself all the time… still stuck too, I get you.
I realize that this is a old post but it bring back a memory that happened last year. My PA husband brought me a dozen of beautiful roses. He walked in when I was sitting near the door. It was not a surprise because I was right there. He proceeded to walk pass me without saying a word, set the flowers on the counter and went outside to do yard work. After about 10 minutes my son came up to me and whispered, “i think those are for you”. My husband didn’t acknowledge that they were supposed to be for me, they withered away and yet, he said nothing. I get your story. My husband is the “nice” PA too. I’m sorry for your pain.