I want to die

I want to die.

My life is meaningless.

I have no hope.

I go to work each day and answer phones and shuffle papers.  So meaningless.  The little things I do at work to help others that mean a lot to me mean nothing to my boss.  I feel like she only sees my screw-ups.  She and I think so differently.  She is amazing at her job, but I often feel at a loss how to work with her.

I come home each day and make a mediocre meal, if you can call it that.  My daughter hides in her room to eat, with the internet for company.  That is often easier on her than my company.  I eat with my husband in front of the TV so I don’t have to talk to him.

I wish he would just go away.  Just go away and leave me alone.  There is nothing.  A couple hundred dollar bills left on my purse once a week.  Inane chatter about what is going in his world.  Everything is about him.  Everything.

Hope.  Hope for what?

There is nothing with him.

I often think if somehow, by some miracle, I do someday escape him, that no one would really want to be with me.  Use me, yeah, maybe.   I’m nice and somewhat pretty and somewhat fit, so yeah, sure, use me.  But who would ever really care about me?   And what is there even to care about?

I used to know what I was doing with my life.  I was trying to be a good wife so my husband would love me.  I was raising my daughters.  I went to church every week like I was supposed to.

My daughters are in college.  I text one every day that I love her.  Is that a relationship?  I see the other one a few minutes each day.  Maybe I’m still their mommie, but it’s not the same any more.  They need me, but they don’t need me.

A good wife.  Ha!  What a joke.

And church.  Not even going there.

So I look at myself and I see someone pretty scummy and worthless and hopeless.  What do I matter?  What difference do I make?  I don’t even know what I could do to make any difference.

Every day I try.

Every day I walk a fine line between sanity and insanity.

Today I just want to die.

This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to I want to die

  1. I feel for you. Take care x

  2. paescapee says:

    I feel for you too, it sounds really hard. I hope you have a friend you can confide in. Look after yourself- now that your girls are more independent, difficult as that is to adapt to, you maybe have a chance to concentrate on yourself a little? x

  3. Sofia Leo says:

    I’m so sorry you feel this way today. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help, but all I have is to say HE is the one who makes you feel hopeless. This is not who you really are and the only way to get back to the Real You is to leave. You are trapped because his behavior has worn you down until there’s nothing left of YOU. I know this feeling well. So sorry.

    • Yes, I do feel really worn down. I remember hearing an attorney speaking about divorce and she kept emphasizing that if you want to get out to get out while you have the strength and energy to do so. She kept saying strength and energy were your greatest assets.

      • Sofia Leo says:

        An abusive partner knows that if they wear you down enough you will lose all strength and will to leave. And to live. I found that anger worked just as well when I had no more energy left. Try to find your anger – you have plenty of reasons to be in a towering rage based on what you’ve shared here.

  4. WritesinPJ's says:

    What I think has happened is that you’ve been conditioned, brain washed, groomed, trained – whatever word works – with his message of you not being enough. Not enough to be loved, not enough to be his priority, his passion, and not enough for his respect. His behaviors are the dominant message that override the empty words and occasional rare positive reinforcements.

    It can grind you down until long after you’ve accepted that you aren’t enough to be loved, you question your capacity to love.

    Because he’s probably incapable of love, doesn’t mean that someone else won’t love you, and be loved by you in return.

    Don’t be afraid to find out how lovable you are, or how much joy you can feel.

    • Oh, PJs, I want to be loved and love so badly. Sometimes it’s almost a physical ache in my heart and soul. But then I feel like I am just being codependent and needy. But then I also so believe that people were made to love and be loved. And then I just feel crazy! Thank you for your encouragement.

      • WritesinPJ's says:

        I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was with someone who loved me madly and deeply, the kind of true passionate love that still has its feet on the ground. It was tough to wake up from that one.

        You’re smart, interesting, passionate, and a talented writer. Don’t believe the head spin. It’s so much easier for me to see it when I read your posts from the outside.

        His loving you should be more than resented reluctant inconsistent good deeds that are used like weapons against you when you express loneliness and pain. Don’t doubt yourself on that one.

        I wonder if you could find a savvy safe counselor that would endorse a separation. If a separation was presented to him as an opportunity to heal and grow (even though we know that would require a truly changed heart on his part, something akin to the Grinch growing one), it would give you breathing space and healing. At that point, you could have gained the strength and clarity to leave if he hasn’t changed (the most likely scenario).

      • PJs – I’ve had dreams like that before. And it IS tough to wake up from them!!! I always feel SO loved in those dreams and wake up so lonely.

        I appreciate your suggestion about find a counselor who would recommend separation. But I really do not think my husband would separate. He only does what he wants to do and he doesn’t want to move out so he won’t. But thank you very much.

        I love the way you phrase this – “His loving you should be more than resented reluctant inconsistent good deeds that are used like weapons against you when you express loneliness and pain.”

      • WritesinPJ's says:

        Dear You… I think the only way your husband would separate would be if he saw it to his benefit (for whatever reason), and it helped maintain the image he wants to believe about himself. Then… I think he just might.

        I’m fairly sure the same applies here.

  5. Once again I’ll ask that you delete this reply as soon as you’ve read it. As with the last time I replied to one of your posts, this is for your eyes only and I truly appreciate that you’re kind enough to do this for me.

    It sounds as if you’ve allowed yourself to begin to own the things that your passive aggressive spouse uses to keep you where he wants you…he says, slipping on his white coat.

    I think you know this to be true. I’ve been there myself and my wanting each breath to be my last wasn’t a hit and miss kind of thing. It went on and on, driving me so deep into depression that I doubt anyone or any drug can ever save me.

    I speak in the present tense because it continues to this day, just over two years after my own spouse’s passing. I spent untold hours in the nursing home with her before she died. Feeding her, playing bits of new music I was writing on the facility’s piano for her, attempting to comfort her and sometimes simply sitting with her unsure if she even realized I was there. It was about the only time in over two decades together when I didn’t feel vulnerable to her attacks. During that time I think I felt that perhaps she FINALLY loved me as much as I always had her. That she truly needed me the way I had always felt I needed her. I shifted the blame for her failure to express those feelings to me on to her disease.

    Of course that’s not why I was there. I stayed for the kids. I’m quite sure I wanted out long before the kids but I was extremely vulnerable early on. I was so sure I had found my soul mate and was determined to make myself hers despite near constant indications from her that I simply wasn’t. I’ve always felt that in those early years she perceived my dedication and devotion and my willingness to take the abuse as weakness. Having just typed that I feel kind of stupid. WHO WOULDN’T see such submission as weakness?!

    I’m quite sure she lost a great deal of respect for me back then and not until those later years, her final years was it ever restored, if it ever was.

    I actually left a couple of times, once B.C. (before children) and once A.D.(after daddyhood). Of course it wasn’t hard for her to convince me that if I came back everything would be better as that was EXACTLY what I wanted to hear. Not to mention that in the A.D. instance, I simply couldn’t stay away from my chldren.

    Her family was aware of the struggles she and I had faced throughout the years. They all came in from out of state for the funeral and stayed in our home with the kids and I. I don’t recall whether it was the night of the funeral or one of the nights immediately before or after as that entire week is now somewhat hazy but her sister pulled me aside one night after we had all had a few glasses of wine and told me that my wife had “worshiped the ground I walked on”. She told me she knew I didn’t believe that but went on to explain it wasn’t in my wife’s nature to show me or let me know. I still don’t know if I believe that because any evidence was simply never there but I can tell you I had myself a good cry that night being so incredibly upset with myself for not recognizing it when it mattered. Perhaps more of that “it’s all my fault” crap that this kind of abuse seems to create in its victims.

    I’ve noticed I have a tendency now to rewrite our history together both in my own mind and certainly in talking with my kids about their mother. Every time I recall a painful experience I find myself attempting to water down that pain by remembering her sister’s words that night. And I tell my children what they want and need to hear regarding their mother. I mean, it’s not as if I’m some wicked liar in talking with my children. I’ll never take from her the fact that she was an amazingly loving, patient, nurturing and kind mother and even if I had ever wanted to paint her as something else in my kids’ minds, they know better. They are the ones she devoted her life to. They were the ones working in the gardens with their mom, picking wild berries and making jam with their mom, grooming and riding our horses with their mom, spending afternoons in the park with their mom, hiking in our small patch of wooded hills with their mom…again, they know better. But I tend to always keep conversation about their mother and I right in that little box. The one in which mom was perfect because to them and for them, she was. She loved them the way I had always hoped she might someday love me.

    I just attended my youngest child’s sixth grade choral concert last night. She’s the spitting image of her mother and truly idolizes her despite never really knowing her prior to “Jo” (I’ll just call her Jo as it’s much easier to type than “my wife”) becoming ill. She’ll never know of the turbulence in the relationship Jo and I had if I can help it. My oldest will graduate from college in the spring. He’ll have earned two degrees in his four years and will return for an additional semester to earn a third in Poli-Sci before he starts applying to law schools.(This amazing young man is going to make ONE HELL of a Senator if all goes as planned, otherwise I think we can live with congressman ;) ) He knows everything. He’s always been my most trusted ally while never allowing his consciousness of his mother’s sometimes horrible treatment of me to taint his own view of her, but we’ve talked. I think he gets a little uneasy when the younger kids and I talk about their mom. I’m sure it conjures up some bad memories for him and he’s not accustomed to hearing me be anything short of COMPLETELY honest.

    He worries about me. He wants to see me happy. He often tries to encourage me to “go out and live a little”. Jo and I were 38 when it became necessary for her to live in a full service nursing facility. Four years there, two years since her death…I’m far from over the hill, not overweight and still see myself as an attractive man…even if I’ve clung to my “long haired musician” look for a decade or two too long. But I’m terrified and probably a little angry. Actually, I’m CERTAINLY mad as hell over the wasted years. Of course I have my children and they’re TRULY ALL I live for. The very reasons on so many occasions that I didn’t act on the feelings you’re currently experiencing. But it SO pisses me off that they’ll never know the man that their mother first met. TOTALLY secure, upbeat and positive, a lover of people and all their weird little quirks and as such everyone’s “best guy to talk to”.

    I’m not that guy anymore. I let the abuse get the best of me and let myself down in the process. PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN!
    As you’ve expressed, I too hate my job and see no point in it other than paying my bills. I gave up a much better position with a great company a few years ago that I had actually enjoyed originally. But even after I had worked so hard for so long to earn this position, I soon considered myself little more than a “paper pushing” playground monitor. Since then I’ve had a couple of crappy jobs having not even attempted to pursue another position for which I’m fully qualified. I think this may be some subconscious attempt to punish myself due to my OVERWHELMING disappointment in myself which again, began to manifest when I started to allow others to define who and what I am. Sound familiar? ;)

    I’ve pretty much given up on ever being truly happy. I had my shot and I blew it. Now MUCH of what I do surely seems inexplicable from the outside but when I bother with a little self examination, appears to be more of that unconscious self-punishment crap. It’s almost as if I feel that if I simply keep myself miserable God, karma, circumstance or whatever will never again have to blindside me with years of a hopelessly one sided relationship or thinking that due to our growing older Jo’s epiphany was surely just around the corner, only to be forced to sit at her bedside and watch her die before it came.

    My God I’m SO babbling now. The last time I unloaded this much baggage it cost me $150/hour with a counselor who is clearly AT LEAST as screwed in the head as I am as I was forced to stop going due to her thinking it we should take our “relationship” to some “next level”! :)

    Sorry for being so windy. Not sure why I felt like sharing all of this with you. I think I saw your latest post and felt a need to reach out to someone whose pain is so familiar to me…if one could call dumping my crappy life story on you as “reaching out”. Or maybe I wanted to make you feel better in giving you the opportunity to say, “At least I’m not THAT guy”.

    Actually, I think what I’m trying to get to in my incoherent prattling is that I think people like you and I often find ourselves doing the wrong things for all the right reasons.

    I sense a strong spirit in you. It comes across in your writing. NEVER give that up. Allow NO ONE to rob you of that and do whatever it takes…WHATEVER IT TAKES sweetie, to insulate yourself from those who would break that spirit. You never know when something could happen leaving you with yourself and if that day ever comes, YOU SO NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF! And though now knowing all that you know about me I’m surely the LAST person to be suggesting remedies I was too much a coward to exercise for myself, understand that sometimes the only thing that can insulate you from that which seeks to break you is distance. If I didn’t know this before I certainly do now and I think you know this to be true as well.
    In my case, if I’m completely honest with myself I’ve always known but simply didn’t want to accept it.

    Now quick, delete this reply before people start assuming they know stuff about me! :D

    I truly hope you can find in you the strength I never had.
    All the best!

    • newshoes123 says:

      Dear Igetitalready: your post touched my heart. You only solidified for me that there are nice guys out there. And like you I didn’t recognize or will never be the woman my abuser married…. the strong, young vibrant, go getter who had the most positive chill outlook on life. He took her and destroyed where I can never fully get that girl back. But I never backed down. Even when I gave in, in my soul I never gave in. He took everything from me that was good, I now consider myself a bitch when it comes to dealing with him, and he will try anything and everything to get me to blow up because the thrives on the fights and the drama. It’s extremely difficult to stay calm, to stay chill and to stay sane and kind.

      The thing is, I did find a little piece of myself when I left him. And I started off slowly, I allowed myself to grieve which I believe you still need to do, not for your wife’s passing, but more for the relationship that was and wasn’t. Therapy may not have helped back then but I would try it again, just so you can make peace with yoursel. I did and I’ve gotten a somewhat semblence of me again…. I recently told him during an altercation that he would never break me, that he could hurt me but that he could no longer affect me the way he used to. For the first time in a long time, I saw him cry and I didn’t care because that part of me died along with the love I had for him. I do care in the sense that I care about a human being, but I will never care for his feelings ever again.

      Go ahead and take care of yourself, it’s time. xo Goodluck and ty for being such a great soul.

      • Thanks for the kind words NewShoes. They are very much appreciated.
        You have no idea how strong I used to consider myself.
        I used to be the one to not only tell others how they could change their circumstance in life but I actually BELIEVED it.
        Even now when I’m having a “good day” I can feel a sense of the presence of that old me.
        You should have met that guy…I used to have this natural charisma that people just loved to be around.
        These days my walls are LEGION. Sometimes I’ll go several days without shaving telling myself that if I look…um…”less good”???(please forgive me for how arrogant that sounds) perhaps people will stay away as even now people kind of gravitate toward me. I make a point to NEVER make eye contact with a woman I find physically attractive. And I almost NEVER smile. People tend to get it pretty quickly and I get to be alone. This works for me as I feel I have absolutely NOTHING in common with any other human on earth anymore.
        I’ve become the kind of person I would have once offered counsel to as I struggled to understand how they could ever give up on them self.

        As you can likely tell, I have this SCORCHING love affair with written communication. :D
        So I’m going to cut this off right here before I dump another 5000 words on P.A.A.’s blog as if it were my own.

        Thanks again. :)

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      I wish you’d give permission to leave this up for awhile. I cried when I read it. I can’t be the only one who felt less alone from reading your words. If you don’t, I’ll understand this reply also getting deleted.

      Your words: “often find ourselves doing the wrong things for all the right reasons”
      “I tell my children what they want and need to hear”

      Well, I just reread it, and there’s so much. What you wrote is so powerful. Thank you for sharing.

      • Thanks so much PJs. It wasn’t my intent to make anyone cry but I feel you as I teared up a couple of times myself in writing my reply.
        The problem I have with throwing myself out there is my own blog which is hardcore political which, on the rare occasion that someone actually reads me, often makes me a target.
        Your statement about feeling “less alone” after reading my reply touched me as well. Kind of surprising to hear that.
        If you truly think it might be of use to someone else I suppose I would be okay with leaving it up. If someone wants to get pissed off over my political ideology and start dumping on me and my personal life it’s not as if I have so many followers that simply creating a new blog on which to air my political opinions would be a huge deal.

        And I’m sure P.A.A. would respect my request to pull it later if I were to ask her as she’s done it for me before, a gesture for which you have my utmost appreciation P.A.A.

        I so wish I would have known about and been more involved in blogs like this in the “bad old days”. I think there’s something of a stigma against men who talk about experiences like those that we’ve apparently all had in our relationships. The comradery, genuine concern and support you all seem to have for one another here is truly a beautiful thing.

        Thanks again. :)

    • igetitalready – Thank you for writing this to me. It is so very beautiful!!! I don’t have time at the moment to write more, but I would like to ask you if I could leave your comment and not delete it – at least for the time being. You have obviously touched people with your words and I think you will find compassion and care here. I will delete it, though, anytime you ask me to. Thank you again.

      • As stated in my reply to Pjs, I think I’ll be okay with you leaving it up for now.
        I’ll let you know if that changes.
        Hang in there sweetie.
        I believe this blog of yours attests to the fact that you are worth a great deal to a great many.
        Believe it or not, you’ve certainly helped me. Ever since I wrote the above reply I’ve though about what I said to you and told you about myself. It has served as a reminder to me over the past few days of how drastically I’ve allowed myself to change, with a great deal of emphasis on the “I’ve allowed” part.
        I am very angry inside over my feeling that I was so screwed over. First in investing so much in something that would never be what I had hoped and dreamed of and then over losing even that. I rarely admit that to myself…let alone a group of strangers. There was just something about the sense of hopelessness I got from reading your post that…I don’t know…did something to me.
        I think it’s easy to be incredibly hard on ourselves. To make choices about how we intend to spend the rest of our days that we would NEVER suggest someone else should do. But to see someone else struggling with the same feelings of solitude despite what was supposed to be a life partner lying in the very same bed is difficult.
        I read your post and I felt what you were feeling. I knew exactly the place you were at and it troubled me.
        Whatever you spiked that post with opened me up like a book. ;)
        Thanks for that. I’ve probably needed to get some of that out for a while.

        I can only imagine how precious you are to those who actually know the woman at the other end of these heartfelt, far too often painful and sometimes utterly adorable words.
        You know you’re a beautiful individual who deserves better. If you didn’t think so I doubt you’d be here expressing your own hurt as you’d have convinced yourself that you deserve the abuse. And I don’t believe you’ve lost all hope yet either. I feel your writing is an expression of your self worth and an indication that hope is still alive in you.
        I hope for you too.

        Thanks again and all the best to you.

    • Tish says:

      Thank you for this perspective..

      Often, we forget that PA abuse is not gender specific. I’m learning now (after interacting with divorced men) that there is a very HIGH prevalence of PA-abuse towards MEN in relationships. Yet, due to socialization, men are not allowed to claim the title of “victim”, nor are there many avenues for them to seek support. My heart to you…

      Best to you and your children…

  6. newshoes123 says:

    Sweetie…. I feel incredibly helpless for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time. I agree with PJ (who by the way I worried about because she’s been away so long). He did that to you, he took you and tore you down to shreds but you can climb back out of that. You must, for you, for your daughters…. and to enjoy whatever could be of your life. So what if your job is meaningless, it gives you money for now, ok not that much but it’s still there. The only thing that I am sure of in life is change. It comes and goes and comes again. But we humans have the power to change ourselves. You my dear have that power, no one else can no matter how nasty they are and no matter how they try to break you, they cannot because you will always retain that power to change you and your life. It needs a little work, it needs a little faith but you can do it.

    Last year at this time, I cried my eyes out every single day at work. I had friends telling me that I could do this, that I could leave and make my life better but I didn’t believe it. I stayed, I continued to endure mental anguish and ambilence until I could not see clearly anymore. I conditioned my brain to accept the inevitable, my marriage was over no matter how I had tried to fix it, no matter how hard I worked on it and no matter how much I had wanted it to be the way I thought it could and should be. I conditioned myself to grieve the loss of my relationship and I was able to finally detach on one sunny clear blue sky day, He started to abuse me again, blaming me for something that wasn’t true, accusing me of cheating on (which I never have) and all sorts of other things, threathening to leave me and I saw it as clear as day, I said ok calmly and quietly. I said yes, go ahead and leave me, that’s the best solution. He was shocked, he was upset and he tried to back track and take back everything he said previously but it was no use, I was done, I saw it, felt it and ran with it.

    I haven’t looked back. It’s been difficult I must say but damn if I don’t have a clear vision of what my life is going to be like and very soon. I am lovable, I am worth it and I will have what I want the next time I decide I trust a man enough to give him my heart.

    You can do it my friend, if I can do it, you can do it.

    • newshoes123 says:

      PS. I don’t believe a word of what you say when you say you are worth nothing, you are worth every thing you want and you are worthy of love and affection from someone who is kind and loving. And PSS, you are worth a heck of a lot to me, without knowing it, you relayed message to me through this blog for things I needed to hear and you’ve helped me get the hell out…. reread yourself, you will see that you are even of great value to yourself. Thank you for being there and sharing your pain with us. xo

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Newshoes, I’m so encouraged by all you’re writing.

      • newshoes123 says:

        Glad for it PJ :)
        As you can probably tell, I’m using my experience at getting out to help others who want to but also to encourage those who stay to take care of themselves. xo

  7. newshoes123 says:

    for Igetitalready: you can always write your 5000 words on my blog :)

    And what you saiid: “This works for me as I feel I have absolutely NOTHING in common with any other human on earth anymore.” I want to disagree with you here because all of use here have something in common, we suffered abuse and maybe we come from different walks of life but we all know and understand each other.

    And by the way, women do not get repulsed by a beard or not-shaved man when they see the heart and soul that is attached to it – I’ve been lucky to have met such a wonderful person lately and he’s become my best friend – I didn’t look at the exterior at all ;) let yourself be “seen” and you’ll be alright if only to get some friendships….

  8. My question for you is what do you men to yourself? Who are you without him? Ask your brain those things. If today he was gone, what would you do for yourself? Do it. Step one. Step two. Do it again. Expand it to a week. Expand it to two weeks. You did it without him, did you survive? Yes because although you aren’t there yet, you’re needs are about you making them happen. Keep trying to see it. It’s a hard process, you’ll get there=)

    • Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. I do an awful lot on my own. I do stuff for myself, too, but he drains me so much.

      • Hi, No I don’t mean physically what do you do for yourself, I mean mentally. I am still drained too, I’ve finally left and 6 months out I’m still drained. The question you have to get to is emotionally, what YOU mean to you. We know what he means to you, what do YOU mean to you. The more time you spend thinking about yourself and the less time you spend thinking about him, is what breaks the trauma bond. It can’t happen until you do it. Close your eyes and picture that little girl who used to exist that was you who dreamed of a happy life with a husband and kids. Is this what you pictured? Would that little girl allow herself to be this person? What does that person that is you, not the drained wife or damaged adult, the young girl inside want? What can you do to help yourself get there? It’s a really hard question. I’m at the six month mark, it’s a hard path but a good one. I think about my husband about 15 minutes a day, he used to consume my thoughts for hours. That’s the abuse, he’s not controlling your comings and goings, he’s controlling your thoughts.

  9. Tish says:

    Haven’t been here in a while….

    Was busy DIVORCING MY P/A, ABUSIVE, NARCISSISTIC (yes ladies…we need to call it what it is) EX-husband.

    Grant it, I struggle with attempting to find my new life and rediscover the old self I lost to him. It’s hard…

    But not as hard as living a lie.

    You are lovable. You deserve better. Your girls deserve a happy mother.

    We didn’t break these men, they are broken.

    I wish you well


  10. igetitalready – I’m glad my blog helped you. I think it is very therapeutic to write, to get as much out as possible. Somehow it seems to free up the brain a little! You are quite welcome to write as much and as often as you want here! I think everything that is shared here helps everyone who reads it. And trust me, if someone starts putting you down on my blog, everyone else will come to your defense!!! As always, if you want me to take something down, I will.

    Please don’t give up on happiness. You sound like you still have a whole lot to give to someone. Maybe you should follow your son’s suggestion. “I’m far from over the hill, not overweight and still see myself as an attractive man.” And if the beard is a deal-breaker, then maybe she isn’t the right one! For me personally, the first thing I notice about a man is his eyes and then his smile. And how tall he is. But like newshoes said, it is much more about the heart and soul. And like you said to me, we are way too hard on ourselves. It sounds like the therapist found you attractive, so I don’t doubt there would be others.

    I do understand the pain and frustration of putting so much into a relationship, so much love and time and hope and patience and having it all be for naught.

    I understand, too, the feeling of wasted years!!! But maybe there was a bigger reason for them. I try to tell myself that, that maybe I’ve gone through all these years of loneliness and frustration for reason.

    But please don’t give up on yourself, on happiness

    Thank you again for all that you have written to me. It means a lot to me.

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