I feel stupid writing this.
I wish this was all over. Done. Finished. No more battling.
I wish my husband would leave. I wish it didn’t have to be me.
I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me that it’s going to be okay. Yes, a male someone. Yes, I tell myself it’s going to be okay. But I still wish I had a male someone to comfort me…..
I wish I had already met “The One.” I wish he was already here for me, to be with sometimes, to be my friend, until the time when we could be more than friends.
I wish… I just wish…
I feel like I can’t think straight. I feel like my brain is in fog.
Last night, I was driving to the gas station down dark country roads. I felt like that was my life – surrounded in cold darkness. No bright shining vistas. Nothing to see but darkness. Yes, there was the light from my headlights. That’s what’s happening in the next thirty minutes: eat dinner, take a shower, go to bed, or now, eat breakfast, go to work. But no glorious hope for the future. No vision of love and joy and peace. Just darkness.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
If you don’t mind me saying so, it seems you’re looking too far ahead and that’s keeping you from dealing with right now. today. this moment. If you truly want your life to change, then YOU must be the one to make the change. No one is going to do it for you. Least of all your husband.
it’s a dream to hold on to my dear. I dream the same damn thing all the time, except I view it in my mind, what I want to happen, bringing it to life, I feel less lonely like that. I wish the same things you do, I want him to leave so that I don’t have to make the decision, I want it done so I can move on and get mind healthy again, I want to have met the ONE too, I want someone who will tell me “it’s ok, you’re ok”. At some point, all these dreams will come to life, but we must believe that it’s going to happen and then let it go. Wanting just brings more want but it doesn’t bring your dreams to life. Believe, it will happen, and in the meantime, it’s something to hold on to.
I can completely relate to this on so many levels. What I also see, is that these feelings mean you’re ready. If you don’t mind me saying – I think you’ve hit your bottom or you’re close. If you are this miserable, then anything else that happens won’t really phase you. Get yourself mentally ready and then pursue the path you need to pursue. (When I finally left my husband I was so freakin’ miserable and depressed that once I was out nothing he did could even impact me anymore. I was so giddy to be free that I just didn’t care. Every moment from the day I left him kept getting better and better.) The only way out is through it and you have to do the tough work to get there, but I believe things will get so much better along the way. Also – I think there is a benefit to not having a man to lean on for support. It is going to make you stronger and make you whole. You will have to get yourself out of this on your own, and when you emerge on top you will be TOWANDA!! (Friend Green Tomatoes movie reference. Woo!) You will be so much stronger and better off, you will see how capable you are and you will be proud of yourself. Then you will make a great partner for someone else. When you are strong and whole you will attract a man who is strong and whole and that’s what you want. No more damaged goods. Now is the time to work on yourself, heal, and rebuild so that you can choose your next partner wisely. No man can do that for you. Hang in there. The old cliche is true. It is always darkest before the dawn. I think I see a bit of sunrise up ahead. Just keep going!
“It is the darkest before the dawn….”
No words could be more true. But dawn comes. It always comes. Just keep breathing…it’s right around the corner. The sun is starting to rise for me…it’s pretty damn beautiful, if that’s any comfort for you.
Love and light to you ;-)
After my husband was fired from his job four and a half years ago, I went through a period in which I could not think about the future in any way, shape, or form. When I tried to contemplate “tomorrow” or “next week” or “next year,” my brain refused to cooperate. It was as though it was saying “too scary, too scary” or “you have no future, so don’t even bother.” I would have preferred being able to worry about bad things than to have this void. But it got better, slowly but surely. Things got worse for my husband and for my marriage, but I have become much stronger. I got more work. I earn more money. My finances are beginning to be secure. I do things on my own, both tasks and things for recreation, that I hadn’t done by myself in a long time. Is everything wonderful? No, I’m still married (although I’ve filed for a separation), and I’m still disappointed at my husband’s behavior, and I’m still working to improve myself and my situation, but I’m so proud of my independence and strength. You can do it, too!
Love it. You’re doing awesome ;-) The only control we have is over ourselves…and when we actually take that control, it’s almost as if the universe sighs for us. I’m proud of you too!
I often think that way too. It would be so nice to have a partner to help me get through this. Help me make choices. Snuggle with. Make me feel better when I am feeling down. But I think if we do this on our own we will be that much stronger and independent and hopefully not settle for another looser just to fill the void.