This morning, when he was about to leave for work, I kissed him. I really kissed him. As in seriously turned him on, kissed him.
Then I said that I had to go get ready for work. He said, are you sure? Then he said, I think I need to sit down.
Obviously I left him weak.
About an hour after I get to work, he texted me: This morning I forgot to take my lunch box.
(I knew what he was referring to and what he meant. And so did he.)
I replied, hmmm I wonder how that happened.
He texted back, I must have been in a hurry to get to work.
I replied, yeah, that must be it.
But what I said out loud, quietly because I was at work, was “jerk.”
You know, he could have said, you’re so hot, or, that kiss was amazing, or, you blow my mind, or, you’re amazing, or …. or ….. or ….. I don’t know – make up your own sexy compliment.
Yes, he was trying to tell me someting about that kiss. But it, um, fell rather short.
Sometimes I just want to feel like woman. I want to feel adored and desired. I want to feel special and sought after. I want to feel like I am attractive, sexually attractive. I want to be touched and made love to. By a MAN.
So often I feel like I am with a selfish little boy. It’s all about him and his world and his day. And who wants to make love with that?
Anyhow …. whatever …. someday …..
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Your words echo exactly what I told H yesterday: it’s all about YOU isn’t it. Everything is about YOU. Nobody else even exists unless there’s something in it for YOU.
This was years and years of the same types of behaviors. I’m so through with it. He can do all of the work for a change. I might not care either. It might just be too late. I want the same things you want (mentioned above) but I’m completely fine with the notion of being by myself until and unless I [ever] find it.
Can so relate. What I’ve come to accept is that if I want to feel sexy, desired, “like a woman” I have three choices:
1- cast a Wiccan love spell on him
2- have an affair
3- leave.
This is the reality with PA men. We can fix them because we didn’t break them.
Sad. I know.
Well, I’ve tried both 2 (didn’t plan to do it, but I’m better for it because I know I’m not dead) and 3, still working on 3 but I will get there – trust me.
If I were to use 1, it would be on somebody I thought was worth the effort (i.e., they would have naturally been what I wanted anyway and would have demonstrated the flexibility and growth necessary for a healthy relationship).
Your statement “This is the reality with PA men. We can fix them because we didn’t break them”…I think you meant can’t right? Yeah, that floored me. Wow. Gonna ponder that for awhile…
OH HEAVENS!!!! yeah, that was a serious typo. Damn Iphone!
For the record:
“We CAN NOT fix them because we didn’t break them. ”
“We CAN NOT fix them because we didn’t break them.”
“We CAN NOT fix them because we didn’t break them.”
And yeah, I tried #2 also. Except it became so emotionally messy that I had to take a step back. It was during my most recent separation from husbro. Didn’t plan it. It happened. It felt GREAT to be held, loved, desired, fantasized about…you know, the things that most normal hetersexual men do to women? This man was also 15 YEARS OLDER than husbro, divorced and had the stamina of a teenager! Husbro often complained that his lack of sexual desire was because of his age (he’s 40), his job (my lover has the SAME DAMN JOB, has been doing it twice as long and works twice as hard as husbro), finances…the moon phase, the royal birth…. you name it!
I really like this man, and don’t want him anywhere near me until I am free! But, I’m also realistic that by that time, he would have moved on. :-(
While I don’t condone infidelity, after living with no sex (or worse, lame mechanical sex) for nearly a decade, I’m done. I don’t care who has an opinion about it. Anyone who wants to throw my “vows” in my face, can kiss my as$!!! :-)
Daily, I look at husbro and want to kick him in the nuts…ARGHHHH!
Hee hee! Yes.
Oh dear. Sounds like your situation has progressed to a toxic point like mine has. The resulting blackness of one’s soul is destructive and not worth it, IMHO.
You are sooooo right! Daily, I take a moment and meditate, and remind myself that “I didn’t break him, so I can’t fix him.”
I tell my gfriend who’s been amazing through this madness, ” my happiness is currently being sponsored by, prayer and divination, humor, therapy, meditation, coffee, alcohol and sertaline…”
:D The phrase “whatever gets you through the day” applies!
So True Tish. I have done 2 and 3. Number 2 I thought I would never do in my entire life, but after 10 years… yeah it was nice to feel wanted. Did it go anywhere? Yes and No. I knew that it would go no where with the guy but I felt it would be somewhat respectful to leave my ex during it. The self esteem of being treated like a human being and and being treated like a woman gave me the courage to do the leaving that I had tried to do for over 10 years. So I guess in a way it was worth it. (It was also easier to leave during the time because my ex was cheating on me again) I’m really curious if the women here that have PA men experience their men cheating on them a lot? My ex was constantly sending dirty texts, cheating in person, flirting/cyber sexing online etc but would have barely anything to do with me sexually. Maybe sex once a year.
Yeah, to some degree, I believe that my lover did help to rebuild the self-esteem that husbro chipped away. I’m sure the same is true for you. I’m sorry it didnt work out with your lover, but perhaps his role in your life was simply that: To help you break free.
10 years is a long time. Trust me I know. I’m on year 9.5.
I’m also in the middle “operation break free, 2.0”–I withdrew the most recent divorce petition (because he completely lost his f*&cking mind), am aggressively looking for a FT job (I don’t want alimony, yet because of our income disparity any lawyer I retain WILL ask for it), going to therapy to address my issues with enabling and codependency, improve my credit and financial profile (in a year, my CS went from 714 to…well not that, primarily because I was only working part-time, trying to stay on top of them, AND PAY BILLS, and husbro REFUSED–or as he says, “couldn’t–help me pay minimal balances of $50. Did I mention he’s a doctor?)
Regarding cheating: Not sure if he’s cheated–I”m assuming so. Yet, at one point during our marriage, I couldn’t open my DVD player, reach under the sofa, look for a book on the bookshelf, or turn on my computer without seeing some chick’s junk in my face! So yeah, he was cheating…with his hand. *rolls eyes**
Honestly, I don’t mind the porn…if I’m getting some. If not, oh yeah, then I’m pissed.
1- didn’t work for me lollll – plus now that I think about it, what was I thinking!!
2- haven’t had that… wonder how it would feel umhh
3- working on it too – that’s why I’m “misedemotions” – sigh… one day maybe.
I didn’t do a Wiccan love spell, but I did “put him on ice.” It’s a Santeria spell to get your enemies to “chill out.” It doesn’t harm them, it just makes them less insane. His mother is there too…
under similar circumstances i actually told him…”this” is what I wanted you to say when I was sexually flirting with you…. and your reply of “that” was inadequate. after years of him not listening…i started saying things like.. it doesn’t matter what you say or do as i no longer care if i get it from you…I have other men who say it to me now instead. you can live safely in your little tent of denial. now we both get to be happy, don’t we?
yeah… the little boy, I have one. He can’t for the life of me tell me that he wants me in a nice way, no he has to make terribly rude comments or gestures in front of people or grab my ass in front of people… it leaves me wondering what I ever saw in him. Yet, I leave the house and I feel sexy and I know that I get stares but I really just want to be cherished and I want to feel like our bedroom pleasure is just ours not to be shared with others, I don’t care if it makes him feel more like a “man” as far as I’m concerned, it only makes me feel like a cheap tramp there to only bring him pleasure – yeah – JERK, I love that word.
Yup… all of that.
It’s sad that you (and most of us) must LEAVE the house to feel beautiful and appreciated. Then these guys have the audacity to be hurt when we find other men. Oh well.
My quesiton for husbro is “what’s with the joking during sex?” Nothing kills the fantasy of thinking about another man during sex with my lame husband like him cracking jokes.
I swear there are times I want to karate-chop him in the throat.
lollllll love the karate-chop comment, maybe I could try that when he decides he wants to make a suggestive comment in front of others, suppose he might get the message…. oh what do to with these little-boy-men. I just hope I don’t lose my mind…
*sigh*
I remember once at a dinner, husbro said, “yeah, she’s getting her PhD….you know as in PoorHouse Doctor??” The only person who laughed was him. He’s also gravely offended two of my dearest (ex) friends, who haven’t spoken with me since he offended them in 2009!
And he can’t keep his hands off my ass…IN PUBLIC or around other men. Yet at home? I can walk around in vicki secret’s with a sign that reads, “tap-this!!” and he’d walk right by as if I was wearing a tie-dyed oversized t-shirt and a hemp skirt…
I digress…
I think if you did karate-chop your hubbaby, he’s not get angry: yet spend the next 12 centuries treating you like crap because you karate-chopped him for just “being joking.”
BARF!
hang in there, don’t lose your mind…. we need you.
SO glad that I found this website. I have never posted here but wanted to a few times, so now is the time because what several of you have expressed is EXACTLY what I feel and have experienced. As for sex, try none for more than 21 years…..yeah, let that soak in. But it was just within the past year and a half that I have begun to really realize how awful that is! Slow learner, I guess.
I began to get really honest with by husband a little over a year ago after he behaved incredibly horribly one day while taking our daughter to the airport to go back to school. Won’t go into details, but it definitely was an “epiphany” day for me. I have never been the same since and have never felt the same way about him as I did before. Would take too long to explain why.
And in that year and a half, for some reason, my libido was re-activated! Who knew it was there?! Talked to him about it several times; propositioned him a couple of times and was roundly and painfully rejected, which hurt, but which in the past would have crushed me. This time, it just made me see him and myself a lot clearer. That last time we discussed sex was when we were out to dinner for our 40th anniversary. And during that conversation, he actually told me to “do what you have to do” re: sex. Yes, I know, I should NOT HAVE brought it up that night, but I had had just enough martinis…..conversation dead-ended that night too. SO – I have completely given up on the idea of ever having sex with him again. Seriously.
But – what he didn’t know that night is that a few weeks earlier, I was at a conference and was approached by a man at the bar who fit all of my fantasy criteria (yes, I had thought about it!) for having casual sex. (to be honest, it was a good friend who had told me that she was surprised that I had never been approached by or been with other men before, given that I travel quite a bit for work). Well, I guess she planted the seed….and, this guy was persuasive and charming and sweet, and so yep, I slept with him that night. And to paraphrase a line from Steel Magnolias – “we did things that would frighten fish.”
BEST decision that I ever made as an adult woman. I had completely forgotten how fantastic it felt to feel desired and sexy and touched and kissed (really kissed) and held skin to skin. God. This guy told me over and over how beautiful and sexy I was -even after he “won” me over. So whether he believed it or not – he made ME believe it. Honestly, I never had sex like that with my husband. And it is amazing to me how little guilt I have about it.
So, sorry for this being so long – but my unsolicited advice to any of you out there, is that if you get the opportunity with the right man, don’t dismiss the benefits of sex outside of your marriage. This was about ME. Maybe the guy used me, but I used him right back. It was sweet and wonderful and very satisfying and has forever changed the way that I think about myself. He is married too, and this is not a love affair. He is quite a bit younger than I, I think, and I have NO intention of leaving my husband right now – my nearly grown children would hate me, and my husb and I do have things in common and enjoy each other’s company on several levels. I have been in touch by email with the man, and I do hope that we “see” each other again in our various travels. But, if not, I will remain open to another adventure with the right guy if the time and circumstances are right.
Hope some of this helps someone. And I hope to continue to be part of this dialogue, because you anonymous women feel like soulmates to me…..thanks for listening.
Joanna,
You are my new favorite thing!!!! :-)
21 years? You, my lady have the patience of Gandhi. As for having another lover: I agree. Never did I think that I’d contemplate sex outside of my marriage. Until he basically shut me down sexually, disliked sexual acts that he once liked (and knew I liked), an blamed EVERYTHING on his lack of drive. Oh well, he can keep it. I don’t even ask anymore.
Recently I was slammed on a marriage board for admitting to having an affair. I was called every name in the book and basically not worthy of respect nor love. Whatever! I told folks to suck it! And also reminded them that often there are significant personality disorders that preclude folks from “sticking to their vows.”
And leaving him is like water-boarding.
I love this blog also! Seriously, I’d rather use the $150 I give my therapist to buy us all a round of margaritas!!!!
Tish
I would gladly accept the margarita!! Don’t worry about others’ judgments about your decisions. They r YOURS. No one else’s. I have seen boards where women and men felt that the partners who would not have sex were actually the ones violating their vows. Made me think. I had Never considered that before.
After I had my “encounter, I told two of my best friends, who fur the most part were understanding and supportive. BUT the majority of my rather large circle if close women friends would Not get it. And even my 2 bf’s can’t really relate cuz they don’t experience the same problem!!
I love my friends so much and am SO lucky to gave them, but it is wonderful to know that u all understand more than they. You may not love me like they do, but you get it. Raising my glass if wine right now to all of you!! Be more French and think if love, life and sex in a more woman-friendly way. I am trying!
Uh — I originally posted as Joanna Wells, but changing my screen name to be a bit more anonymous. Kinda a newbie to posting stuff. May not wanna share my real identity so readily. But still love u all for the struggles u endure!
Tish,
Sorry you were slammed on a marriage board for admitting to having an affair. It’s funny because most people that have not had an affair (or yet) view it terribly. And I admit, it is kind of bad – you marry someone then have the most intimate act with another behind the person’s back. But I think until people are really in that position they don’t understand why people do it. They can’t wrap their head around why someone would willingly do it. But when you are with a PA man for so long you kind of need the attention – need those moments where you are treated like a human, cherished etc. I think most people figure that cheating in marriages happens right away (and for some possibly) but really it’s mostly after years of being with the same person dealing with rejection and being treated poorly. You tried to make the best of it…. and you have.
I had a friend who would talk negatively about people who had affairs, she just had one last year. Her tune has completely changed, she now understands completely how these things could happen and why.