I had better things to write today but I didn’t write them. And this is where I am now.
I have felt suicidal most of the day. I get that way on week-ends. Maybe it is because I don’t have the focus and the companionship of work.
All day today, I have been telling myself, this will pass, only a few more hours and it will be Monday again. This will pass. You will feel better tomorrow.
I hate it that I get this way, but I do. Every week-end.
I was lying on the floor, crying, trying to remind myself of my daughters, thinking about what I want in life.
Once again, I found myself feeling hopeless and loveless.
I know they say to give yourself the hope and the love that you need, but I don’t know how to do that. I try to encourage myself, to say kind things to myself, but I end up beating myself up all over again. And feeling hopeless and unlovable. And crazy.
I feel like I will always be stuck here, that there will be no healthy love relationship in my life because I am too messed up to be in a healthy love relationship. I can’t even seem to get myself unstuck, out of this mess where I am, let alone even have the sanity of recognizing something healthy. And I think no one would even want to be with me if they had any clue how crazy and messed up I am.
And I just seem to get worse and worse as time goes on. I feel so crazy. I look at what I want (love, joy, peace, beauty, hope) and it seems a) wrong for me, and b) impossible for me.
Anyhow, thank you yet again for listening to my crazy ramblings. Maybe at some point I will feel better.
Tonight we will watch the Super Bowl. My daughter will sit on one side of me and shield her face so she can’t see him. He will sit on the other side of me and be his usual self. And I will sit in between them and hate the situation and hate myself.
But tomorrow will be Monday, and I can go to work, and I can go to the gym.
And I will probably feel better tomorrow.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
I”m sorry you feel so awful. Do you have a therapist? Do you have someone you can call on weekends?
It shall pass. Every problem reaches its end. Till then be strong and hold onto your faith.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I know it might sound impossible for you right now, but things are bound to change, they have to. You are a wonderful lady, I’m sure that you will find love some day, the one you deserve. And I know you feel lonely but you have us, all of us going through the same damn things you are. And I appreciate that you are so honest and open about yourself and your situation. I’m glad that you are there sharing it with us. Please remember that you are not really alone.
You do not have to keep trying to prove to yourself that your husband is really horrible in order to decide to leave. Even if you are just not compatible anymore, that is reason enough. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and we are not compatible anymore. I’ve grown up from the 18 year old I was, and he has not. He just kinda mentally stopped learning and growing. He is PA and verbally abusive to me. I only stay because of my 12 year old daughter. I have to be with her at all times, not sharing custoday. He is a good father and there is no way I can prove the emotional damage he has done to me. Luckily I’ve learned how to find my strenght within and know I am a good person. Don’t feel guilty for leaving. Just leave. You don’t have to justify it to anyone! Even if it’s a little as not having the same things in common and are in different places in life, that is a good enought reason to leave. You should LOVE your weekends!! I do because I’ve learned to live around my husband and go about my business. But if you are suicidal because you can’t stand to be there, call a crisis center and get out. You don’t have to explain anything to him!! Good luck!! Maybe when my daughter is an adult I can make my move!
I so know how you feel about feeling helpless and stuck. I feel the same way all the time. It is so hard having 4 kids to take care of and try to provide for on my own. I was just talking to someone today saying that I don’t know how I am ever going to get my kids into a house of our own like they so need to be because the rents are so high here and I can’t find a job pays near what I need to make. Jobs do not pay what they need to here to pay rent if you don’t have more than one person working.
I feel like I walk around in the fight or flight mode 24/7 and can’t do ether one. Can’t leave and don’t want to fight in front of the kids. I hold it all in and that isn’t good either.
Nicole H. Please don’t stay because of your daughter. If there is anyway you can get you and her out please do. It isn’t healthy for the kids to be in this. Think about it this way your daughter is looking at you and your husband to show her what a healthy relationship looks like and should be like.
Like I told everyone when they say stay for the kids! Think about the kids and what this is going to do to them! My reply was I stay my daughter learns that what she wants needs or how she feels is not important in life how she is treated by her husband/boyfriend is fine. She should just stay and put up with it and not say anything or do anything about it if she isn’t happy or he don’t treat her right.
My son’s in turn learn that their wife/girlfriends feelings wants needs or happiness is not important in life. How he treats her good or bad don’t matter as long as he is happy or getting what he wants.
So now girl stays because that is how she things a relationship is supposed to be. Boy treats his girl however he wants and she may or may not stay. They have kids this is what their kids are going to learn how a relationship is supposed to be and the cycle just keeps repeating.
I get out and leave then I hope that my daughter learns that if she is in a relationship that isn’t healthy and she isn’t getting treated right it is ok to get out. That she can get out it may not be easy but that she can do it she deserves better. I hope that by getting out that my sons learn that this isn’t how a relationship is supposed to be and that if I treat my wife or girlfriend bad she is probably going to leave and I am going to be alone. And that if my mom finds out about it I’m going to be in even more trouble lol.
Hi. I think you need to call your doctor ASAP. You may need an anti-depressant. That doesn’t mean you’ll need it forever, or that you’re weak or there is something wrong with you. If it gets you to a place that you are strong enough to do what you know you need to do, then it will be the best decision you ever made, Then after you are strong and confident and independent you can decide if you still want to take it. I say all this because I know many people are very anti-medication. I believe medicine has its place and is sometimes absolutely necessary to get yourself healthy again. Don’t question it. Just call the doctor. ASAP. Please. Praying for you to find your strength!