craziness

I can’t function tonight.

I don’t know how to describe it.

I haven’t gotten enough sleep this week.  I’ve been too emotional this week and cried way too much.  I feel like I haven’t handled things well this week.  Maybe on the outside I look like I am okay, but I am screaming, dying on the inside.

I feel like I am just listening to the minutes ticking away waiting for it to all be over.  Waiting for my life to end so I can just be done with everything.

The therapist that I talked to yesterday encouraged me to try to live more in the moment, to focus on the moment.  I told her that I had already started trying to do that.  She said to find what I enjoy in each moment.

Ha!

That’s part of the problem.  I don’t enjoy anything.  Isn’t that sad?  But that is part of depression.

I wish I could somehow just shut down.  Not think.  Not be.

I still have to be here for my daughters, but I feel like I am walking dead.  It’s especially bad tonight.  Maybe tomorrow after I get some sleep I will feel a little better.  I think I might sleep in the living room tonight.  I want to sleep in my bed, but I don’t know if I can stand being near him tonight.

I wish it was all over.  I feel like I am in slow motion in a nightmare that will never end.

I sure do hope this new therapist can help me.

I don’t know how I can keep going and going and going like this.

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This entry was posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to craziness

  1. Seeing the Light says:

    I know I can’t make it better. I wish I had something that would help. The one thought that I can’t shake that I wanted to share is that when I think of you still sharing a bed with him, I shudder for your sake. I know that if I didn’t have my own bed and my own room, it’s very likely I would be in the state you are in right now – or worse. Maybe that would be a place to start? Sending a hug ().

  2. GainingStrength says:

    I worry about you. I understand what you’re saying and feeling. I have moments when I ask God why I’m still here. I think of the peacefulness of death. All the pain, suffering, shame, guilt, problems, craziness … everything gone, done, over with, just … ahhh peace, acceptance, and the big one … love. Yep, thought about it a lot in my 30+ year marriage. It still enters my mind , but not as often as before.

    God has said to be patient and I’m striving to find an abundance of it. I truly hope you find your patience and when the time comes grab your freedom. It will come with a price, but what price can you put on peace of mind and love of self? Not to mention your sanity. :)

    Stay strong and don’t give up.

  3. K says:

    I also have a room and bed I can escape to. I made sure of that. I’m not in the same state of unrest as you-I don’t cry, I just live my life. Im not happy in martiahe, but j find a lot of joy elsewhere. I think if I were in your shoes, I surely would leave.

    • K says:

      *marriage. Geez

    • I struggle finding joy. I think I used to be better at enjoying stuff, but the past few years, I haven’t really enjoyed anything. Maybe it’s depression, maybe it’s “mid-life.” Thanks!

      • GainingStrength says:

        I don’t think it’s midlife. I believe once you understand what your abuser is doing and has done to you, it is enlightening, but it is also very depressing as the time goes on and you are still there and you wonder…

        It’s the wondering, the thinking of the wasted time, wasted youth, the why can’t he love me, what could have been, the fear of the unknown future if you leave, maybe he’s right, etc. And it eats at you even though you know better you still think these thoughts. It doesn’t help watching him live as though the deterioration of the marriage doesn’t phase him a bit.

        Depressed? I would think you’re not human if you haven’t been depressed at different periods of your marriage. :) Everybody is different and sometimes joy is just not gonna happen, you can’t force it, but little by little it will reenter your life. I believe God knows you and your heart. I don’t think it’s a matter of trust, but of impatience for something to happen when you want it to, not when He wills it. We humans are just so darn impatient. :)

        I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

  4. newshoes123 says:

    I understand that you. I “slept” on the sofa for over 6 months until finally I rented a room so that I could sleep. Can you imagine the amount of sleep I lost… I’m still waking up in the middle of the night and cannot go to sleep but at least I’m getting some and it’s better than none and better than sleeping with the “enemy”…

  5. I know all to well 100% of how you feel. Everyone says it won’t be like this forever and you have the kids just live like he isn’t there and be happy or look just enjoy the little things. They don’t get that you can’t just act like they are not there or live like they aren’t here. Once you have lived this way so long you can’t force your self to be happy as much as you would love too. The feeling of being stuck or doom is overwhelming and takes over everything.

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