I wish for a kiss

Today’s my birthday and I wish for a kiss.

There have been basically two kinds of kisses in my life.

(I was a virgin when I got married and he was the only guy I’d ever kissed.)

Back to the two kinds of kisses.

First, the peck. You know, that quick, barely touching, peck on the lips. I’d say this has been well over ninety percent of the kisses I’ve received from him our whole married life.

And then there’s the dead fish. Normally you think of “dead fish” in regards to a handshake, but this is what happens when the peck gets extended. It turns into the dead fish. Which is really gross. So in probably the past seven years, anything that wasn’t a peck was a dead fish. In the first part of our marriage, kissing him was okay, but it was never great. It was never involved enough, never giving enough, never passionate enough, no matter how hard I’d try.

What I want is a real kiss. A warm, deep, involved, passionate, lasting kiss. Hands on the face kiss. I so love you and want you kiss. And then more of them for a long time and then….


So, I wish for a kiss.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to I wish for a kiss

  1. Hmmm, I didn’t really like the way my husband kissed either. I wonder if a scientist could do a study on kissing and relationship health or satisfaction. I hadn’t really thought about the kissing until I read your post. Thanks!

    • Sometimes I think maybe it is a giving thing. I feel like maybe he doesn’t want to give to me and so doesn’t open up to kissing. I think maybe it is part of the with-holding that a PA does, a selfishness. And I think that generous, loving, satisfying kisses (and sex) are an extremely important part of relationship heath and satisfaction!

  2. Laura says:

    I have totally been there and I am so sorry you are going through this!! My ex and I kissed only a couple of times when we were dating, then nothing. Red flag I ignored? Yes! At first I thought he just didn’t like kissing and so I thought was being respectful of his needs (I was a fool). Later, he told me that I didn’t like kissing. Um…huh? Not true. Then he said I didn’t do it right. Really? No one had ever complained before. Of course later I realized these were all crazymaking ways of projecting his issues onto me so he could avoid that kind of closeness. He apparently had intimacy issues that he didn’t want to deal with (evidenced by other factors I won’t go into here) and so he had to make me the problem, because God forbid it couldn’t possibly have been him. Um, yes it was. Heh… now I have a boyfriend and I have enjoyed making up for lost time. Also, he has no complaints ;-) Life is too short not to be kissed, if that’s what you truly want.

  3. My ex husband was like this too. We were together 10 years and lived together 11. We kissed -french kissing – when we started dating and then it stopped about 9 months in. After that it waned to a peck on the cheek for about six months then after that for the remaining years we never kissed again. It only half bothered me as he was a smoker and so I felt his breath/mouth always stank and tasted gross, but the half that would have liked a non stinky kiss miss it. It’s funny my now husband tells me I kiss great, I was a bit shocked, I mean I had been out of practice for over 10 years!

    • I should have known – when we were dating, he used to ask me if he could kiss me and I wouldn’t let him. But he kept asking me. So one night I kissed him. I’d never kissed anyone before, it was my first kiss, and I instinctively french-kissed him, without even thinking about it!!! You know what he did? He pulled back and said, not like that! Now what man wouldn’t want to french kiss??? That should have been a serious warning sign to me!!!

  4. Yes, I truly want to be kissed! He says he likes kissing me, but he doesn’t do it very often, except for a peck in the morning when he leaves. I sometimes think about kissing him because I want to kiss so bad, but I know that I will just end up frustrated, so I don’t even start! Ugh!

  5. I have been in an abusive relationship for 16 years now. I know exactly what you mean! I long for a real kiss daily. We haven’t had sex in a decade much less any real affection. I’m at the point of giving up. I hate to end a long relationship, but there comes a time when you realize, they will never kiss you or make love to you the way that you need. I don’t think it’s in someone with true PAPD. They just keep neglecting and abusing because it’s easier for them and suits their needs…who cares about your needs?

  6. Varum says:

    i just want to know if an PAD person , knows when they have hurt someone’s feelings . i mean are they really aware of the hurt they cause, is that their intention, to hurt and put one down.if that is so , do they then feel bad afterwards ?
    With holding sex , talking bad about their partner to the third party and continuously embarrassing their partner in the presence of others . Could it be they are able to withhold sex for so long because they get it else where?

    • Hi,

      I wrote a post for you about if he knows if he has hurt you.

      It is possible that they are getting sex somewhere else. I sincerely doubt that my husband is, but someone else may be different. It seems like my husband just has low sex drive in addition to being passive aggressive. Or maybe the passive aggressiveness overtakes everything else. Also, maybe he does himself? Passive aggressive people don’t have sex for the relationship of it. It is only a physical act, whether they have a little sex or a lot of sex. It is never about giving to their partner. It is only about what they can get.

      • This is horribly depressing. I made her read articles about PAPD. She read a couple, said yea, that was her alright…then nothing! No changes, no calls to Drs, NOTHING! Since, financially, I am unable to live alone I’ve decided to use her strategy of just using her til someone better shows up. But, I have to say, my hatred towards her is ginormous! Sometimes I fantasize that she gets involved with someone that is as abusive to her as she has been to me. I’ve never hated ANYONE like this but I’ve never known anyone that is so viciously hateful in a covert passive way. It’s disgusting, juvenille and
        cowardly. She MUST go!

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