rough morning, rough day

This morning, my husband and I talked for a long time. (I was forty-five minutes late to work.)

We’ve been going to different churches for several months now and he thinks I should go to the same church that he does.  So he was telling me all the reasons why I should go to his church.

I told him that I don’t feel led by God to go to the church that he goes to.  I told him, too, that I feel like such a hypocrite to sit beside him in church as a couple when our marriage is nothing, meaningless, non-existent.

He told me that wives should accept their husbands if the husbands are basically decent men.  He said that no one is perfect and that wives shouldn’t expect their husbands to be perfect.

He said that I should accept him.

I told him that I struggled with this because for fifteen years now, I haven’t been able to have sex with him without crying, that my daughters don’t have a daddy.

He said he didn’t know about the sex [as in, he didn’t have an answer as to why sex makes me cry] and he said that I had decided that he wasn’t good enough so our daughters followed me and decided that he wasn’t good enough, too.

I told him that he wasn’t involved with his daughters.  He said that he was, that it was wrong for me to say that he wasn’t a daddy to them.

He said that he tries very hard to be a good husband for me, that I have decided that since he is not perfect, then he is not good enough.

I told him that I don’t feel loved and treasured and taken care of.   I told him that part of that was my own wounds, but that part of that also was that the marriage was empty.

He said that he wanted us to do things together.  I told him that even when we are “together” that we are still not connected, that it is an emotional thing and it is not there.

Then he brought up our anniversary (Aug. 2) and asked me what I wanted to do.  He said that we could go out to dinner or go to the mountains or the beach for a couple of days.

At first I told him that I didn’t know, but then I asked him if he had not heard all the things I had said about the way I felt about our marriage, the emptiness, the pain.

He said he did hear, but that last year he made me dinner for our anniversary but he didn’t say anything about our anniversary and I got upset.  So this year, he wanted to say something so I wouldn’t get upset.

I told him that I would think about it and I told him thank you for bringing up our anniversary and not ignoring it.

Finally I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about.

He said that he wanted to have sex with me.

I told him that it makes me cry and makes me want to kill myself.  He asked me what he needed to do so he could have sex with me – fix the roof, fix the floors, buy cars for our daughters.  (This was said sarcastically.)

I told him that it wasn’t about money.  I told him that my crying pre-dated the leaking roof, the rotting floor, and our daughters needing cars.  I told him that it had to do with the relationship.

He asked me what I wanted him to do so we could have sex.  I told him that I didn’t know.  He said that we would work on it.

Finally he left so I could get ready to go to work.

I felt like so much life had been sucked out of me.  It’s hard to explain.

I cried and cried and cried.  I cried all the way to work.  I even had to leave work for a few minutes to go outside and cry.

I had a really rough day emotionally because of the morning.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to rough morning, rough day

  1. Talking to my husband sucks the life out of me. If he brought up having sex, it would be even worse. Frankly, to have sex with a man who has contributed zip to the relationship in many years would make me feel worse than a prostitute.

  2. marsocmom says:

    It’s like the dad who shows love to his children by buying them stuff when what they really want is a little of his time and attention. What we really want is just a little affection, some kind of indication from the person we are supposed to be closest to, that we are worth loving just because of who we are. It’s pretty obvious that all he wants is sex, and you are the easiest way to get it. He also wants the appearance of a happy and healthy family without having to do any of the work to get it. Will he go to counseling with one of the pastors? I really hope things work out for you, whatever form that takes!

    • “He wants the appearance of a happy and healthy family without having to do any of the work to get there.” That is SO true!!! I don’t know if will go to counseling. I did ask him a few weeks ago if he had talked with his pastor about our marriage and he said, no. I know he won’t talk to anyone in my church. But why should he counsel – I’m the one with the problems!!!! : (

  3. GainingStrength says:

    It’s all about them. They have the “talks” with us when they want something from us or they feel they are losing control of us. YOU go to his church, YOU accept him if he is decent, YOU have sex with him, YOU turn the kids against him…where is HE in all of this? What has HE done to make you feel loved? Where is HE when you need comforting? Where is HE when the kids wanted him involved? Their conversations are so one-sided it’s insane.

    I’ve heard “the kid feels/acts this way because it’s how you treat me” speech many, many times. Also the “what do you want me to do” (their constant take care of me whine). I’m surprised yours didn’t pull out the “I’m trying, I really am, but you are not helping me” speech (pure crazy-making this one).

    Hang in there, take a deep breath (many, many deep breaths!) and take a walk and find a quiet place and have a talk with God. I think you are in that place where you absolutely are lost in what to do. You know what you would like to happen (the fantasy one), should happen (leaving him), and the guilty one (I shouldn’t divorce). You will come to a decision, maybe not now, but you will and that’s when you will smile, nod you head and say yes God I agree. Feel His love surrounding you and let go of all the disasters in your life, just let go and feel loved. Don’t panic, calm down and dry your tears for soon you will be free.

  4. lonelywife07 says:

    Leslievernick.com…You’ll find your answers there, as well as how to answer your husband when he tells you that he’s not perfect and you need to accept him because he’s decent, etc….
    What you’re not wanting to be any longer is be a Peacefaker! Your tired of pretending everything is fine, when in reality…it’s not!
    When you’re caught up in this type of marriage, where the outside appearance is in total contrast to what is REALLY happening in the marriage…it wears you down, emotionally and physically!
    I’m telling you, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage was a God send for me!
    It opened my eyes….really opened my eyes, to how broken my marriage is!

    PAA…you need to become focused on God…and not your husband, not your marriage, and not your finances…once you do this, you will find peace, and the tears will stop.
    And the next time your husband pressures you for sex, tell him this:

    “No, I can’t have sex with you in a godly way because of the way you treat me. I can’t feel affectionate toward you when I feel afraid. When you curse at me, scream at me, and call me horrible names it breaks my heart. I am God’s image bearer, not an object to be used for sex and then discarded when you’re finished. With God’s help, I choose to forgive you, but I can’t reconcile with you in a loving relationship until you begin to see the damage you’re doing to me and to our marriage and change.”

    Words of truth spoken in love and humility are the potent medicine her husband needs to wake up to the fact that he can’t expect the perks of a good marriage without changing his ways and putting in some work. The scriptures are full of examples of God’s law of consequences. What you sow, you reap (Galatians 6:7). If her husband wants a good marriage and not just a concubine, he will need to stop sowing thorns and thistles into his wife’s heart.

    Overcoming evil with good empowers this woman to take constructive action that may lead to the restoration of their marital relationship. That would be good for him, good for her and good for their family.

    PAA, even if your husband doesn’t yell or curse at you, this still applies to him…he’s not loving you the way he should, he’s disregarding your feelings, and refuses to acknowledge the wrong he has done.

    Here’s the entire blog post, just in case you’re interested…http://www.leslievernick.com/2012/04/30/does-god-care-more-about-sex-than-marriage/

    I would again suggest you read Leslie new book…it’s found on her blog…it has given me such hope and peace…and I know that God is grieved for these abusive marriages and no longer wants us to be Peacefakers!!

  5. I stopped going to church years ago because my marriage was falling apart and no one knew it. I would have people come up and ask how things were, I’ed smile and say fine all the while in my head going you just lied everything is falling apart everything is a complete mess and your fixing to through him out and get a divorce.

    I still hear that I need to just change my mine and that no one is perfect and I just expect him to be perfect and how I told so horrible about him behind his back to everyone. I hardly ever talk to anyone about him I have much better things to talk about and spend my time doing than talk about him to everyone. everyone has seen over the years and know how he is I don’t have to tell them nothing. I should be thankful to have him he “works Hard” when he has a job he is always late and messing up and always about to get fired. the only reason he keeps them for so long because he takes jobs they can’t get anyone else to do. The guy who works with him quit over 3 weeks ago. As bad as people need jobs they have not been able to replace him because the hours beyond suck the pay is as bad or worse than the hours. I should be happy with him because he don’t drink drug run around go out all the time or hit me. Even though he has hit me in the past but he don’t call what he did hitting me and there was nothing wrong with it. He was mad.

    I find it so amusing that when they want to talk 99% if the time it comes back to the point that they want sex. Why you should give it to them. Only time father of the year wants to talk is to tell me how bad he wants me and he just needs sex so bad. I tell him it is pretty pediatric that like you I have laid it all out there and he knows all the stuff that is wrong but the only time he wants to “talk” is to try and to get me to have sex with him. If he had spent as much time trying to fix things and worked at it as hard as he dose trying to get sex maybe we would still be together and he would still be getting sex. He goes off on the how it is me and I won’t change my mind and nothing he dose is good enough, how I am. I then ask him if I am so horrible and it is all me and there is nothing wrong with you and you have done nothing wrong why the hell he wants to have sex with me and why he don’t find someone else.

  6. WritesinPJ's says:

    Oh wow, this post is setting off so many emotions. I’m deep in all kinds of crazy here right now, but I wanted to pop in to add support for you.

    What struck me (and in a familiar way) is that when you expressed such deep pain, he focused on why you should be feeling differently, viewing him differently, and trying to make it work in the way he thinks you should.

    What he didn’t seem to do was feel or express or reflect empathy. What you expressed to him was a powerful description of your pain and struggles, and that didn’t seem to even ripple his emotional waters. Where was love?

  7. Maggie says:

    Can I ask you why you continue to stay in a passive aggressive marriage which does nothing but bring you pain? Have you asked yourself that question? And if you have, are you willing to be honest?

    I was married to a classic passive aggressive man for 15 years. Reading this post was like reliving experiences I had with my passive aggressive husband. It was torment upon torment. But, one day I realized that I was as responsible for the crazy that was occurring in my life as he was.

    Do you understand the role you play in keeping the passive aggression alive in your life? Do you think if you stay long enough and talk about how crazy it is, it will somehow magically change?

    It will not.

    When I claimed my responsibility for what was happening in my life and marriage I knew I was faced with two choices……1) Leave……..or 2) stay and fully accept that my ex-husband was not going to change.

    I finally chose to leave. And now after two years of being divorced, he is still EXACTLY the same way he’s always been. But, now, I have peace and I no longer have to subject myself to his abuse.

    I know you have children to think about. So did I. I have three. I would also venture to say that I’m quite a bit older than you too (I had my children very late in life), so I had those fears and issues too……how would I support myself…..etc.

    The question is: Do you want to live a normal life or not? Or do you get something out of being the victim?

    It’s not an easy question to answer. But, if you’re honest, you will.

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