rough morning, rough day

This morning, my husband and I talked for a long time. (I was forty-five minutes late to work.)

We’ve been going to different churches for several months now and he thinks I should go to the same church that he does.  So he was telling me all the reasons why I should go to his church.

I told him that I don’t feel led by God to go to the church that he goes to.  I told him, too, that I feel like such a hypocrite to sit beside him in church as a couple when our marriage is nothing, meaningless, non-existent.

He told me that wives should accept their husbands if the husbands are basically decent men.  He said that no one is perfect and that wives shouldn’t expect their husbands to be perfect.

He said that I should accept him.

I told him that I struggled with this because for fifteen years now, I haven’t been able to have sex with him without crying, that my daughters don’t have a daddy.

He said he didn’t know about the sex [as in, he didn’t have an answer as to why sex makes me cry] and he said that I had decided that he wasn’t good enough so our daughters followed me and decided that he wasn’t good enough, too.

I told him that he wasn’t involved with his daughters.  He said that he was, that it was wrong for me to say that he wasn’t a daddy to them.

He said that he tries very hard to be a good husband for me, that I have decided that since he is not perfect, then he is not good enough.

I told him that I don’t feel loved and treasured and taken care of.   I told him that part of that was my own wounds, but that part of that also was that the marriage was empty.

He said that he wanted us to do things together.  I told him that even when we are “together” that we are still not connected, that it is an emotional thing and it is not there.

Then he brought up our anniversary (Aug. 2) and asked me what I wanted to do.  He said that we could go out to dinner or go to the mountains or the beach for a couple of days.

At first I told him that I didn’t know, but then I asked him if he had not heard all the things I had said about the way I felt about our marriage, the emptiness, the pain.

He said he did hear, but that last year he made me dinner for our anniversary but he didn’t say anything about our anniversary and I got upset.  So this year, he wanted to say something so I wouldn’t get upset.

I told him that I would think about it and I told him thank you for bringing up our anniversary and not ignoring it.

Finally I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about.

He said that he wanted to have sex with me.

I told him that it makes me cry and makes me want to kill myself.  He asked me what he needed to do so he could have sex with me – fix the roof, fix the floors, buy cars for our daughters.  (This was said sarcastically.)

I told him that it wasn’t about money.  I told him that my crying pre-dated the leaking roof, the rotting floor, and our daughters needing cars.  I told him that it had to do with the relationship.

He asked me what I wanted him to do so we could have sex.  I told him that I didn’t know.  He said that we would work on it.

Finally he left so I could get ready to go to work.

I felt like so much life had been sucked out of me.  It’s hard to explain.

I cried and cried and cried.  I cried all the way to work.  I even had to leave work for a few minutes to go outside and cry.

I had a really rough day emotionally because of the morning.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.