Well, my twenty-sixth wedding anniversary came and went.
And he didn’t say a word about it! No Happy Anniversary. No flowers. No taking me out to dinner. Nothing. Nothing at all.
He did make dinner on Friday night (our anniversary) but he has made dinner the past three Friday nights, so I don’t know if that is special or not. But he still did not say one word about it being our anniversary.
Several weeks ago, he said something about that it seems like that I don’t like our anniversary very much. I told him that our anniversary is hard on me and always has been. On our 5th, we took a little trip, but that he wouldn’t have sex with me – he just wanted to watch tv. Then for our 10th, we went on a church campout and even slept in separate tents! And even three or four years ago, when we went away for the week end, I felt like I worked so hard to make it a pleasant week end.
So maybe he thought the best thing to do this year was to not even acknowledge our anniversary?????
Let’s see if we can figure this out. I say, essentially, even though he may not have understood it, my anniversary makes me sad because I feel like you don’t give enough to me, you don’t show me enough love. And his response is to do even less?????
I will say, though, that this is the first time ever that he has not done anything for our anniversary.
On my previous post, Zoe left a comment asking, was it always like this with him?
The short answer is – yes.
It has gotten much worse in the past almost-nine years since we moved here, where we live very close to his parents.
But even before that, he still did typical passive aggressive stuff. He wasn’t very involved with our daughters. He didn’t have sex with me as much as I wanted. He wouldn’t help me with projects around the house. He would tell me that he wanted me to have a beautiful garden, but then get upset at me if I bought a plant. Stuff like that.
But I was also really in love with him. And I considered all the problems to be my fault. Stupid me that I would expect a daddy to be a daddy. Stupid me that I would expect a man who says he loves me to support me in my interests. Stupid me to think a many would want to have sex with me.
Of course, at the time, I didn’t see it that way. I thought that I wasn’t being a good enough wife and if I could just figure out how to be a better wife, then I would be worthy of his love and he would love me better.
Loving him and being codependent took me a long, long way in the marriage.
After we moved here, the passive aggressive behaviour got much worse. And excuses that I could make for him before were no longer valid. (That would take more explaining – so maybe for another post.)
Several years after we moved here, I learned about passive aggressive behavior. I wasn’t aware of it before. And it was a number of months after that that I finally figured out that he was passive aggressive. Then another year or so later, I learned that I was codependent. Another piece in the puzzle.
And then finally I stopped loving him. It was easier when I did love him.
Now I just am so tired of it and I want it to be over already.
[Here is a post (link) that I wrote a year ago that explains a little bit more about my life with him.]