My employer pays for my health insurance. I pay for health insurance for my daughter’s through my employer.
He is self-employed and has paid for his own insurance. His insurance plan is coming to an end, so he has to look for something else.
He went to some sort of talk this afternoon by a major health insurance carrier.
He said that even if his income was up to 400 percent of the poverty level that the government would subsidize his health insurance, but because I get insurance through my employer, the government won’t subsidize any of his insurance. And that makes his insurance very expensive.
I can get health insurance for the whole family through work, spouse and children, with my employer still paying for my personal health insurance. If I did that, his “portion” would be cheaper than the non-government subsidized health insurance he could buy on his own.
Ugh!!! I hate this stuff!
It makes sense financially to put him on my health insurance at work and have him “pay” me each month for what would be taken out of my paycheck for his insurance.
And in a decent relationship, I would have no problem at all with that.
But this “marriage” is, well, you know. Either you live it yourself or you read my blog or both.
Anyhow….
I don’t even know if I care anymore what he does.
He probably would pay me each month. Probably.
And should we split, I could change my insurance back to just me and my daughters.
Tomorrow is the deadline for me to make any changes in my insurance plan if I want to.
I wish things could just be peaceful and easy with no insane drama in my head.
Just love and joy and peace.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Normally health insurance plans will let you change coverage or drop members during ‘life events’…depending on the plan. You can tell your spouse that the insurance company will allow him onto your plan IF he makes pre-authorized payments, to cover his portion. He MUST transfer the funds to you, so you can do a ‘manual’ transfer. Tell him it is 100% compliance to payment deadlines or he WILL be dropped for the remainder of your enrollment period. He won’t know any different, if you don’t explain it to him. If he fails to give you the payment at the end of the month for when you need it, don’t say anything to him. Simply contact your benefit department, HR or whoever handles it for you and advise them you have separated and he no longer resides with you. This is a life event that will trigger a series of events that can provide him with coverage at much higher premiums than he had while under your plan. While I was at it, I would certainly have him pay for 50% of his childrens’ health insurance as well. Contact your benefit department and ask the what if questions, so you can make an educated decision on what to do. Just remember you DO have options and removing him from your plan for non payment and failure to pay his fair share, is one of them. And the best part is, you can completely blame it on your companies policy to avoid any drama with him.
Thank you for your suggestions. I did learn that ‘legal separation” is a life event, so I would be able to make changes at that point if I needed to. Thanks!
Rougedmount makes some interesting suggestions but I’d check with your carrier to see what constitutes in their eyes a “life event” if you think it may come to that and I’d be very careful about claiming legal separation while still living together which is generally not considered to fit the criteria for “legal separation”. You’d certainly never want to claim you were living in separate residences if that were not the case. Not only due to the risk to your continued employment but also, and I know I don’t need to tell you this, the grief you’d be inviting in pulling the rug from under him while you’re still together.
That’s a tough one PAA being as you have so little time to come up with a plan. The best I could do is something I haven’t done in a very long time and say a prayer for you.
Perhaps some of your readers with a little closer relationship to the man upstairs could do the same.
Good luck sweetie.
Well, maybe your prayer worked. When I looked up to see exactly what it would cost him to put him on my plan, he decided it was too expensive and that he would look elsewhere for him. So, it ended up that I don’t have to have him on my plan after all! Thank you! : )
hurray!! small victory for you.
I’m paying my “him” monthly for my health insurance. It works out real well that way. You’ve mentioned a few times that he leaves you cash routinely, so if he can save a significant sum by you enrolling him, could this ultimately be further benefit to you as well?
Yes, I figured that if I am helping him financially, it would benefit me also. Thanks!
That’s a tough one. My gut instinct is to put him on the plan, tell him that whatever he leaves you every week for groceries needs to include the amount that you would be paying out of your paycheck for his portion of the insurance at least once a month. Have him sign a little mini contract stating that he will pay you that amount every month and if he doesn’t, you will drop him from your insurance. He’ll hate you at first or he will find another insurance company. Good luck.
Oh, he would never sign a contract with me!!! And even if he did, he wouldn’t consider it valid!!! He would “forget” or some such thing!!! But yes, my gut instinct, too, was to put him on the plan. Thanks!
The thing I hate most about living with a passive aggressive husband is the way it changes me. Trying to find the balance between protecting myself and not letting his disorder change who I am. Generosity is one of my best traits and often the effect of my PA husband makes me stingy. That causes resentment and I don’t need additional resentment. Research your choices, do what you think is best and leaves your spirit protected.
You know, I’ve been thinking the same thing recently – that I don’t like the way living with him has changed me. I don’t like who I’ve become.
Fuck him. YOU have paid for your daughters health insurance all these years? The daughters HE is the father to? Right. Let him worry about his own insurance needs. If he gives you any grief over it demand that he pay you half of what you’ve already paid for the children you share so that the two of you can start off on “equal footing” with him paying you every month to be on your insurance. Abusers just love to throw up the whole “you never contribute as much as I do” argument to make you feel small – turn the tables and see what he does.
If I were you I would be incandescent with rage over the injustices he puts on you. I’m just gonna stop there because your situation makes me so angry I could chew glass.
Thank you, Sofia! One of the things that I was thinking in considering this is that it would be something “nice” for him. And anytime I do something “nice” for him, there is some sort of payback. Turning tables doesn’t work – there is always something different to come back and bite me. But thank you so much for your reply!
It really doesn’t matter what you do – it will ALWAYS come back to bite you. I was feeling quite outraged on your behalf yesterday and could perhaps have been a bit more diplomatic, but I went through so much of this crap with the narc and I can see how any “nice” gesture will end – him with a smug smile on his face as he watches you cry. Take the cheaper route and don’t put him on your insurance – when you leave it will be one less claw he has in you keeping you there.
My husband did NOT pay me for the health insurance cost we agreed on, $121.00 per month. He lied and hid this from me for 4 months. HUGE fight about it. Strike one of a million strikes. I still “didn’t get it” even though eventually I got paid back, 5 months later and “he put it on automatic payment now” as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He has made my life horrendous all these years over money and I have been paying the price.
Now that I’m sick (chronic fatigue / guess why? / lyme / fibromyalgia) he STILL expects me to pay. And pay. And pay. And STILL keeps every cent of my money that he can. Separate bank accounts just mean it’s Chinese water torture and such beguiling schemes and offers that I can hardly resist. He is a MASTER MANIPULATOR. And why not? I let him get away with this from Day One, when I was a single mother with a young child and back in the day, who wanted to get involved with “that?”
Times have changed and I have to change with them. I have to SAVE MY SELF. I must be worth “something” even if it’s only money to him. He needs a rich woman who wants to pay for a man servant (no sex with this one), and can afford it. I’m not that one, unfortunately for us both.
PS: He IS paying the majority of my health insurance costs now (after more than 34 years of not paying) but I suppose it’s more justification for “making me pay” for everything else. He’s always worked and had a good paying job, but only took care of himself and went way into debt. For what, I will never know. He never buys anything or spends anything on himself, no “wine, women or song.” Where did it all go? I have no idea, but it’s gone-gone-gone. Financial crisis non-stop for going on 36 years. Makes me sick.
No wonder I have “chronic fatigue.”
Time for me TO LEAVE. And STAY GONE-GONE-GONE. Bye, Felicia!