I’m feeling so depressed again.
I tell myself it’s just brain chemicals not working right. I tell myself it’s just hormones. I tell myself I just want to die.
I think it’s because I feel hopeless. I feel like I’ve been telling myself forever that things are going to get better, that tomorrow will get better and yet, here I am, still stuck in this valley of darkness.
What if this is all my life ever is? What if it really does never get better? What if it is just me? That no matter what, I am always going to struggle with depression?
Sometimes I tell myself that it is reasonable to want to be loved, to want to be with someone who actually cares, to want to be in a loving relationship so I can love and be loved back.
But mostly I just tell myself that I am needy and insane and unlovable.
You know, so often, people tell me I am nice. But I go home at night feeling so very lonely. Every night I dread coming home to a cold, empty house.
Yes, my husband is here. Lot of good that does me. And my daughter is here, but she is hiding in her room because my husband is here.
I tell myself it will be different when I move out.
But what if it’s not? What if I still get horribly depressed? What if I can’t make my life any better? What if this is the glass ceiling and I simply can’t go any further?