so depressed

I’m feeling so depressed again.

I tell myself it’s just brain chemicals not working right.  I tell myself it’s just hormones.  I tell myself I just want to die.

I think it’s because I feel hopeless.  I feel like I’ve been telling myself forever that things are going to get better, that tomorrow will get better and yet, here I am, still stuck in this valley of darkness.

What if this is all my life ever is?  What if it really does never get better?  What if it is just me?    That no matter what, I am always going to struggle with depression?

Sometimes I tell myself that it is reasonable to want to be loved, to want to be with someone who actually cares, to want to be in a loving relationship so I can love and be loved back.

But mostly I just tell myself that I am needy and insane and unlovable.

You know, so often, people tell me I am nice.  But I go home at night feeling so very lonely.  Every night I dread coming home to a cold, empty house.

Yes, my husband is here.  Lot of good that does me.  And my daughter is here, but she is hiding in her room because my husband is here.

I tell myself it will be different when I move out.

But what if it’s not?  What if I still get horribly depressed?  What if I can’t make my life any better?   What if this is the glass ceiling and I simply can’t go any further?

This entry was posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to so depressed

  1. Don’t give up; don’t stop believing that things will get better. People tell you you’re nice because you are nice, and wanting to love and be loved is a basic human need that you are being denied in the relationship that should provide it. I too am lonely but not when I’m alone; I’m lonely when I’m with husband because I’m just reminded when I’m in his company of what is missing in my life. I can identify with everything you say but I refuse to doubt that things will get better. You’re getting closer to taking back control of your life and transforming it into the life you want. Hang on in there. you can do it x

    • mixedemotions says:

      wow – dancingwithan! you express exactly how I feel, when I’m with friends, family and even perfect strangers, I do not feel lonely – but the minute I get home or think about going home it hits me like a ton of bricks, especially at this time of year when it should about being with the ones you love. How can you be married, hear the words “I love you” and still feel lonely… I too am reminded that I am still there, hanging in for a better tomorrow, hoping and praying that it may come but I cannot move, I’m still stuck and with someone who claims to “love me” but persists on finding ways to hurt me covertly to the point that I think I’m crazy. I hope for a better tomorrow for all of us. But thank you for putting what I was feeling into words, yes, I needed to hear it today.

  2. I agree with @dancing…great comments BTW.

    You *can* do this! The thoughts/feelings you’re having are normal given your situation. I’d bet that many have felt the same, I know I have. Things are better for me now. Yes, I still have the same struggles and inner turmoil to deal with and yes, the problems have taken on a different form in that I’ve traded a few problems for others, but the problems that have resulted from the separation are more logistics than feelings of futility. It’s hard to separate from one’s husband, regardless of what the situation is. I expected that. Sometimes I feel like giving in and just going back because I think it would be easier. But then I remind myself that there’s a difference between logistics and a healthy framework for a relationship.

    Hang in there!

  3. Laura says:

    Personally I think the loneliest times are when you are with someone and still feel lonely. Laying in bed next to my ex husband was one of the loneliest feelings in the world. Once I got out of the marriage, funny, but I didn’t feel nearly as alone as I did when I was in it. I realized that it is much better to be alone on your own terms. Besides, no one can fill up what is missing inside you. Only you can.

    I think your spirit has been so torn down by this marriage that the love you’re actually missing is your own. When you can get out and get away from the toxicity and then begin to heal, I think you’ll learn to love yourself again. You’ll be amazed how good it feels to know your own worth and to value yourself.

    If you have an empty feeling just remember that no person or no object can fill that hole and make it go away. You have to do the hard work in order to feel whole, but it is worth it. While I was single I got to know myself again and I regained my self respect. It is amazing how far an abusive partner can tear you down so that you don’t even see your own value. When you are away from it all I think the fog will clear, the clouds will part, and the sun will shine. You just have to hang tight and get to the other side. You have to do the hard work to get there, but anything worth having is worth working hard for. Right? :-)

    I know it can be scary to leave because the prospect seems daunting and depressing, but indulge me in a little story if you will….

    I remember a moment shortly after I left my ex. I was standing alone in the middle of the kitchen at my new place (barely moved in and not organized yet) and I ended up reheating some Trader Joe’s chimichurri rice for dinner (I didn’t have many groceries yet). I ate it off of a paper plate and I even had to go out to my car to find my lunch spoon in my work bag because I didn’t have utensils unpacked yet. I had to improvise this quick meal in the midst of the chaos, and I don’t even recall if I had a place to sit down other than the floor. You know what? I will always, ALWAYS remember it as one of the finest meals I ever ate. It’s all about perspective. A cheap reheated meal in the midst of my new life of freedom, tasted far far better than any fancy restaurant meal ever had in the midst of my marriage. Life is how you choose to see it. If anyone had happened upon my little kitchen scene they may have seen it and found it depressing. A newly separated woman eating off of a paper plate in a modest kitchen 1/2 the size of her old one. Yet, it will be forever burned into my memory as one of my first true moments of happiness after I left. I was free and once I was free that gave me the perspective to see things more clearly. The beauty of life began to unfold around me and I emerged from a dull grey world into one that was vibrant and full of color. I think you’ll find the same things to be true.

    Stay strong and do what you know is right for you.

    I still highly recommend the book: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

  4. mixedemotions says:

    ladies, as I answer this, I am moved, first of all, all of you came to the rescue of the blogger and mine as well. Today I was feeling so lonely, mostly due to the fact that it’s Holiday party season and I feel wonderful going to them, being with friends and feeling so full of love and energy when I leave. Only to be hit straight in the face with how lonely I feel when I go home to a marriage that is supposed to be “safe” now since he’s chosen to make changes. Yet I still have this gut feeling that the way things were will be back or worse. I don’t know if I should listen to that or hang on to the hope that things will be as they appear now, it is only a smoke screen for the same or worse.
    Thanks for reminding me ladies that people “survive” these types of relationships, I will continue to hang on too. I hope the blogger knows that she is not alone, some of us are going through the same exact thing.

  5. Zoe says:

    I’m picturing you and your daughter living together in a crappy little apartment somewhere. Smiling. Laughing together. Watching whateverthehellyouwant on TV. Eating PB&J for supper. Hanging out together cuz she wont need to hide away in her room anymore… Sounds fabulous right?! Don’t give up!

  6. shmada says:

    Oh my! I did it too. I left the fulfilling marriage that was robbing me of my life and happiness, I was trapped and hopeless, but now I am free. I still have bad days, but not bad days, that turn into weeks, months and years. Over 20 years of letting someone control my happiness is gone, that someone was a husband who said he loved me yet I never felt it, who made me feel insane, who was never there even if he was there. I have a blog, I am going thru some hard times at the moment, but you know what? They are in my control! I got this! I would rather be floundering with the hope of what is to come than to be stuck and hopeless…..xoxo

  7. Childofthetruth says:

    Laura described the freedom from an abusive marriage perfectly!!! Yea!!!! Hang in there, WP!!!!

  8. Sad no more says:

    My heart goes really out for you because I had been there. I was in deep depression for years. I could not understand why (it is only now when I did some research that I understand the passive aggressive personality). I ended up with breast cancer. I thought then of separating from the “crazy maker”, 7 years ago but because of my Christian belief of no divorce, I stayed (hoping that my illness might make him a little kinder – did not happen). When he threatened to punch me on the face for no apparent reason (he only stopped when I told him, “go ahead and I’ll have you in jail.”). I left him after 36 years of marriage. Being married gives you the right to expect to be loved, cherished, respected and be at peace and safe. Now I am at peace and incredibly grateful for my two sons who are a great support and they understand and expected my move. Take care of yourself. The command is “Love others as you love yourself.” You have to be emotionally self sufficient to survive.

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