What it’s like right now…

Nothing.

Just nothing.

Empty.

When he didn’t give me any more money for Thanksgiving (see post), I pretty much stopped talking to him.  At all.  Period.

Not there were any great conversations anyway.

He still talks to me.

He tells me about the movie he is watching, whatever it is at the moment.  He tells me what his customer said.   He tells me about the “drama” going on in our church.  He talks about the weather.

Yeah.

My heart and soul are empty and he seems SO oblivious.

My mind is filled with leaving ~ how it will impact me, how it will impact my daughter, how it will impact him.

I think about what my future might hold.  I am hopeful and I am scared.

But what does that matter ~ it is freezing cold outside and the actress didn’t get the part she auditioned for.

No, he can’t read my thoughts.

I don’t tell him anymore of the emptiness inside of me.

It didn’t matter to him all the times over the years that I did tell him;  I don’t think it would matter to him now.

He’s not really been overly passive aggressive recently.  But then again, there’s nothing going on.  He’s cancelled the credit card and he controls how much money he gives me.  He’s got the power now.  I haven’t asked him for anything.  I pay for anything that I need or that my daughter needs.  I don’t need anything from him that he can reject me on.  I’m not requesting anything, like working on the marriage or wanting him to leave.  He has nothing to rebel against.

So there’s nothing.

I’m just a lump.  I just live in the same house with him.  I buy his groceries and wash his laundry and clean his house.  And ask nothing of him.

He’s livin’ the good life.  He goes to work and kicks around with Josh.  He talks to our pastor, the one who thinks I am a horrible wife and mother, about the drama going on in our church.  He builds his fort in the woods.

You know, for years this house has needed work.  Still does.  And he won’t lift a finger to work on this house.  But he’ll spend time and money building his man cave/fort in the woods.  Yeah, I get the need for a hobby.  But whatever.  When this house falls in on him, he can just go camp in his fort.  I won’t be here and I won’t care.

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7 Responses to What it’s like right now…

  1. seriously says:

    Wow!! you are in a really good place, I mean that, it’s almost time for you to go. Don’t worry about your daughter, I think she’ll be happy especially if you take her with you. In fact, don’t worry about anything or anyone except you and your daughter. I think you’ll find that now things are going to be moving faster and in the direction that you want. I’m glad for you, out with the old and in with the new and just in time for New Year’s. Good luck, chin up, I know I’m speaking for a lot of us, we are all rooting for you, your daughter and your brand new life!! xo

  2. Jwhowhat says:

    Wishing you the best. You have made great strides just in the few months that I have been reading your blog. But you are right about PA men, they don’t quite know what to do when they can’t deny you something, can they? When you no longer appear to need anything from them that they can say “no” to, they get confused. Mine gets pouty and pissed….like I was denying him something – which I guess actually I am by not giving a shit about what he thinks anymore. I really just don’t care.

    Sounds like you have gotten there, and he is SO confused….You are wise to say that there is absolutely no sense in trying to tell him how you feel, or how empty you are….he didn’t care then; he won’t care now. They DONOT change, I have learned that the very hard way.

    But, you are braver than I at this point. You are leaving. Yay you!!

  3. Vita says:

    Do not worry about your daughter. I can say from my own experience, I wish my mother would have divorced my alcoholic father sooner. That way I would not have grown up so tolerant for my husband’s passive aggressive behavior. I’ve seen bad relationships between my parents when I was growing up. I got used to the nonsense. Therefore, only after 12 years of marriage, anxiety, feeling of guilt and low self esteem, I realized that my husband is PA.

    Time for me to come up with New Year’s resolution and change my life ;)

    I’m happy for you! Good luck!

  4. Teresa says:

    Well, I took a break from reading your blog….it mirrored my life so much, I found it got me down even more :/
    And now I return and read this posting…and again, you’re saying exactly what I feel.
    “My heart and soul are empty and he seems SO oblivious” Yes, that’s how I feel! Empty and lonely! And I’ve told him….over and over again! And I get…Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
    Until we go to bed, and his hands start wandering and he tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me!
    At this point, I really feel nothing for him. Yes, I do love him, but my resentment clouds that love more and more each day!
    Unlike your husband, mine gives me whatever I need financially! He can’t come across as the “bad guy”, you understand?
    No one must know how he REALLY is! That’s only reserved for us at home…and even then, he’s not mean at all! In fact, that’s what’s so confusing about my H, he really does come across as a nice guy. BUT emotionally…I pay! I pay BIG time!!!
    He shuts me out every.single.day! All he ever talks about is his work! He LOVES his job!! It defines who and what he is. And I get to hear all about how great they think he is, and how a customer called and said how great he is….and how the owner came up to him and congratulated him on how successful the latest project he was working on was accepted…blah, blah, blah!

    But talk to me about our children and the struggles they’ve endured since his affair came out….nope! Talk to me about how we’re going to help our son who is in counseling because of an anger issue…since his affair was disclosed? Nope!
    But hey!!! Football is on! What about those Dolphins, man!?!? What a game! Did you see that touchdown?? UGH!!!!!!
    I’m so tired of feeling emotionally raw! And I am so lonely….and tired! Tired of carrying the burden of this family, all by myself.

  5. Jwhowhat says:

    Sorry for you, Teresa. Really am. I completely understand. It gets so tiring….and what I have learned after 40 long years of marriage is that it WILL NOT change. I spent so many years thinking it would, hoping it would, planning and troubleshooting and strategizing what we/i could do so that it would change. Now, within the past year or so, I have utterly given up on him – as far as emotional, sexual support and caring. Ain’t happening….In a way that has made things easier because I no longer expect it from him.

    Therefore, I don’t feel so needy and don’t put myself in a position of seeming needy to him. It is much better for me that way. Much. Much better….

    Your situation of course could be different, and maybe your H will get a clue someday. I hope that he does. Then that would be hope for other women married to PA men….good luck to you. and Happy New Year….:). May it be a better, more fulfilling one for all of us..

    • Teresa says:

      Thanks Jwhowhat…..I don’t ever see it changing either. I was ok before his affair, yes, I felt lonely, but I just accepted that that was how it was.
      But his affair 3 yrs ago changed all of that. I now no longer accept the little crumbs he throws my way. Because I now know it’s all a part of his game….to keep me off balance!
      And I’m not leaving my marriage. I wish I could. But I have no skills, haven’t worked a day since we got married 28 yrs ago…and I like my life.
      I have 4 awesome kids that love me and the oldest 3 see what is going on and support me….I have a beautiful home, a nice car, great friends who think we are the sweetest, most romantic couple ever, LOL!! Yes, we BOTH deserve an Oscar for our “performance!”
      I’m not walking away from this and living in poverty, so he can marry some other woman and she gets all that I should have! No way!
      So I am determined to keep myself busy with friends, family, church, etc! Yes, I’m emotionally starved and lonely….but it could be worse! At least my H lets me buy what I want….and he brings me flowers and other small gifts.
      I’m not stupid, I know WHY he does this…so I’ll shut up and leave him alone. So ok, fine, that works for me!
      I buy and do what makes me happy…and if I cry every now and then because I have no emotional connection with him, because I feel so alone….well, that’s my life. I accept it. It sucks totally, but short of divorce…there’s nothing I can do!
      Well…Right now at least….when my youngest son turns 18 I’ll reevaluate and see how I feel…but right now, I’m not willing to disrupt his life. He’s suffered enough!
      As weird as it sounds, we do get along pretty well, as long as I act like his good friend, and make no emotional demands, or become needy or clingy…then he retreats inside his shell and closes me out. And that hurts. So I depend on myself….no one else.
      No more begging to talk, no more crying or showing him how much he hurts me…
      Now, if he DOES have another affair, all bets are off…I will hire the best attorney in the city and take him to the freaking cleaners!! He won’t do THAT to me again!!

  6. Jwhowhat says:

    Teresa – I totally get the not leaving him so he can marry someone else who could then live YOUR life….that in itself is a form of “self-help,” I think. And strength. To see that you won’t leave him and be his victim in that way. But it sucks, doesn’t it? We do deserve better. Just gotta do what we have to do to keep ourselves relatively whole and sane. You won’t get any judgment from me on YOUR choices for your life. And children do need protecting from this awful stuff, even though we can’t protect them forever I guess. And I do worry that living this false life sets a bad example for both my son and my daughter about relationships. Well, we will talk about that when they are much older. Good luck to you.

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