A few days ago, my husband told me that the tires on my daughter’s car needed to be rotated. I asked him if I needed to take them someplace to get them rotated. He was quiet and then said, hmmm, yeah.
I told him that didn’t inspire much confidence. I told him that I didn’t know anything about rotating tires and that I was asking him for his advice.
He then said that I could take the car to Ryan (our awesome, honest mechanic), that he could rotate the tires for me, that Josh (his employee) could rotate the tires, or I could get it done someplace that would be expensive.
I said, thank you.
I decided to take the car to Ryan. If I asked my husband to do it, I don’t know when he would actually do it. Also, and maybe this is completely unfair, I would have a doubt in my mind, a fear, that what if subconsciously, he didn’t do it as carefully as he should. He knows my/our daughter hates him. What if … Anyhow, like I said, maybe that is completely unfair of me. I don’t doubt that Josh would do a good job, but I still decided to take the car to Ryan.
So my daughter and I dropped off the car last night. This morning, I get a call and the lady who works for Ryan tells me that the front tires are past needing to be replaced and the back tires are at the place where they need to be replaced.
Great. Lovely. Fantastic. Wonderful.
Just what my bank account needed.
Really? There seems to be some wicked plot against me to spend all the money I earn as fast as I earn it so I can’t save any money to leave! Really!
I keep thinking, maybe I’ll get an awesome raise in a few months, but what if I don’t? I can’t support me and my daughter and help my other daughter on what I earn now. And my savings aren’t growing very fast.
Every day I feel more desperate to get out.
Is this God, or the universe, or however you want to look at it, telling me to stay? Or is this just more of the endurance test that is my life?
I reminded myself that I am thankful that at least I do have the money to buy the car for my daughter to use and that I am thankful that I do have the money to get the tires replace.
Deep breath.
Keep going……
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO BUY THE TIRES!!!
The car is actually mine. I found the car on craigslist and got a loan for it in my name because he wouldn’t do ANYTHING about getting a car for our daughter to drive to college. So any problems with the car are mine and mine alone. But yeah, I’m with you! She is his daughter and he should look after her, too, not just me! But he hasn’t had much of anything at all to do with her for about 8 years. We all live in the same house, but he does his thing and we do ours. This is crazy!!!
Oh my, REALLY. I can’t stand the quite part, really that is what makes me go totally crazy!!! Instead of him talking the bull by the horns, once again you are. #1.) Why you are. He is creating fear in you, if you have fear then that makes you do more. (sucks, I know to well) 2.) You bi-curiously gave him an open chance to prove his love to you by rotating them tires, taking care of the problem himself, to take care of it for you and to show you just exactly how much he really does love you and at best how much he loves his daughter.
Man I will never tell you what you should do. I will say, “it’s all a big freaking game.” Sad, yes I do think “passive-aggressive” people don’t know all the time “when they are doing nothing” and at times “don’t know” what the hell they are doing too. I know first hand how it can make you go crazy. Yes I am still with mine, still working on working it out, still holding on. I keep going to counseling on and off for years now, I still finding in my heart how I keep on making my husband look so good and I seem to keep holding on to the power why something isn’t getting done by him. Yes, they get quite then act as if they are thinking about what they are going to do “with the problem”. Really it is a big hold, wait and hope session going on….. holding, waiting and hoping that the other person in the relationship “will come up with the answer, do what needs to be done, when to do it, and yes somehow get the credit when it is done, somehow. How, I haven’t figured that out yet, I don’t think I want to invest my time in that. I want to invest my time in me and why do I keep putting myself in the same damn situation.
This is exactly what I have been practicing on, why do I jump in there? I jump fast too, I want the problem done and over with. Why am I the “problem solver” every time? Why do I spend all my money for the hope of my future for hope there is a future for us? Why do I let him talk in my ear, place a seed in my brain then I remember what he said to me and I will eventually show him “what I did for him”, “what I bought him” “what task I did for us so the evening will be easier for us” and I have very rarely received these kind of gifts back. I always seem to have to do it myself, or I have to take the money and go do/buy it myself or if he does get “something” for me I always have to put it together, figure it out, or find away to care for it. Once again, I find this stuff so curious now, I am starting to see and asking myself “why am I” doing this, feeling this or that. “Why am I” working so hard on myself and this guy doesn’t have to go to counseling, be on depressant meds, or even care enough about himself, our family, or our future. Why am I so worried about it all and left once again “figuring it all out.”
These are all very good questions for myself and worth finding the answers to them all. I am finding some of the answers and how to execute them also. Figuring out what my boundaries are and how far will I let anyone take me and what my own self-worth is. All exceptional things to ask myself and all exceptional things I should know about myself and why not find them out now, while I am married to him, seems so fitting to me, learn it now, why waste my time now then get myself into another big problem later. Who knows while I am searching and finding out these answers to these questions that I have for myself new things could unroll, it could very well “make me” a new person and in the mean time while I am changing, seeing a new way, excited about my future. He can figure out if he wants to follow me, but I am going to study, learn, change, and get this degree, regardless. I love him with all of my heart, I love me with all of my heart just as much, problem 1.) I love him the same as me or him just a little bit more than me. (Nowhere in the bible does it say to love someone more than you love yourself, very hard for me to understand) I’m in the process of this change as we speak, it’s been real hard on him too. I think, his very shocked just how much I have been showing him just how much I really do love me and how steady I can make my voice now. No more of that going off stuff, me I talk in affirmation, something declared to be true; a positive statement or judgment. I’m figuring out how to be clear, still and sure. (Sad, I still feel inside for him more than me, it’s painful but no pain not gain, I hear and clear I’m changing, I don’t want to do the “crazies” to myself anymore, I’m so thirsty for that.) I honestly do love my guy but I do know once I did decide to start this goal, I couldn’t stop loving myself, what matters what and of course I have relapsed, I get right back up, say I am sorry but I changed my mind, then carry on. All this didn’t happen over night by far, only after I educated myself then I started doing what I educated myself on with the help of counsel too, and then remembering and reminding myself. Educating the mind is first, teacher always has to go to school first, studies the books is 2nd then prepares for the test, takes the test, then you become a sub-teacher and help the teacher in the class then you become the teacher and possible a principle with a bachelors degree.
I honestly became more confident when I learned by trial and error but I’m not going to look back, ahead I go, if I fall I fall, scraps, bumps and bruises, I have to travel now.
God bless you my friend,
~keep your own faith, they will follow or be left behind but get that degree~
~keep trucking~
~sorry so long, will try harder next time~
What she said. Dang, but PA is a crazy maker! I’m still with mine, but it’s financial. He us going to counseling, but the thrill is gone. We are ‘separated” and when he starts the crazy train up I’ve learned to not get on. I don’t get on because I no longer have to. He can crash and burn on his own.
K ~ unfortunately it seems like I still jump on the train! Not sure why. You would think that after all this time I would have it figured out. But I don’t. Is counseling making any difference in his behavior? Sometimes I think about asking him again to go to counseling, but I don’t think that’s what I really want. I think it would just prolong the agony. Also, I don’t know if he would even go. So many times, he has told me he won’t go. In the book, The People of the Lie, the author says that usually therapist never see the truly evil because they won’t go in for help. Hang in there and good for you for not jumping on the train!
One Day Ata Time ~ Oh, please don’t worry about your comment being long!!! It is so good to write it all out and your comments help me and others, so just keep on! So often I just do not know what to say, what to do. I have to take care of my daughter. And honestly, anymore, I don’t care very much if I say the right thing to him. I do try not to be mean, but other than that, I don’t care if it is the right thing or not. Nothing I say or do will make any difference to him. I do need to stand up for myself, speak up for myself so I can be stronger, but mostly I just am tired of trying to sort it all out.