Out

I moved out today.

Tonight will be my first night sleeping in my apartment.

I still have a whole bunch of stuff to take care of, but for today …

… I am finally out.

psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist…

Watch short video here:

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-26763/how-to-spot-a-psychopath-sociopath-or-narcissist-asap.html

a quote…

“the heart gets confused when it is constantly told I love you by the same person who destroys it.”

~r.h. Sin

what forgiveness isn’t…

“‘…It ain’t pretending nothing happened to you when it did.  It ain’t saying that what happened wasn’t no big deal and didn’t matter.  It ain’t saying the person didn’t know what they were up to, if they did.  And it ain’t deciding that the rattlesnake that bit you is now gonna be your best friend forever.  That’s just foolishness that’ll get you bit again.'”

~from “Buried in Buttercream” by G.A. McKevett

pain…

“She started to cry, holding the washcloth tightly over her face to muffle the sound.  Then her sobs grew and grew, until they wracked her body.  She could feel the wounds deep inside that hadn’t healed yet, aching with each breath.

“Would she ever truly heal, or would she be in pain for the rest of her life because of what he had done to her?”

~from “Buried in Buttercream” by G.A. McKevett

what’s your hell?

I’ve been wanting to ask that question for a long time now.

Here’s my hell:

Unrequited love.

Putting time and energy into people and things that don’t love me back.

Holding on to people and things that don’t love me back.

Loving people and things that don’t love me back.

I guess you could also call that codependency.

That’s my hell.

What’s yours?

I hate my life right now

I hate my life right now.

I can’t even tell you how much I hate my life right now.

Yes, I am well aware of the fact that my life is pretty good compared to many, many lives.

But my life is pretty hard for me right now.

There are so many difficult things for me going on right now.

I tell myself that it will get better at some point.

But what if it doesn’t?

What if this is it?  What if it is never any better?

Do I have to just live the rest of my life stuck in this pain?

My therapist seems to think that things can get better.

But it seems like I have been struggling for so long and it just gets worse and worse.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

Maybe my work with the therapist will help me heal so I can feel better.  Or at least deal better.

The Reasons You Can’t Lose Weight

(I did not write this.)

by Catherine L. Taylor

Here is a list of the most common reasons why people can’t lose weight.
1. You may be taking in more calories than you’re aware of. Even if you’re eating healthy, those healthy foods can add up. Those extra servings of nuts, nut butters, avocados, salad dressing, bread, or even an extra glass or two of wine at night can keep you from losing weight.

2. Your diet is high in white sugar, refined white flour, and high in fat. You eat mostly processed foods that have little nutritional value. You eat very few fruits and vegetables, whole grains, whole foods, and healthy fats.
3. You eat way too much over the week-end. I have many clients who do well during the week but then eat out all week-end and overdo it with drinks, appetizers, bread and butter, main courses, and large desserts all in one sitting. Do that a couple times over the week-end and any weight you lost during the week is gone. You may even gain weight.

4. You have hormonal issues working against you: thyroid, estrogen imbalance, or insulin resistance.

5. Lack of sleep or too much stress can make you hang on to weight and even make you gain weight. Stress and lack of sleep makes your body release cortisol which raises insulin levels causing you to crave sweet and fatty foods. It also increases your appetite.

6. Your body may be hanging onto the weight because you are ambivalent about being at your desired weight. You may be afraid of intimacy or attention, and don’t want to lose your protective layer of fat.

7. You use your food and weight struggle as a scapegoat so that you don’t have to face your fears and the real issues in your life. As long as you’re overweight, you can blame your weight as the reason you don’t have what you really want in life.

8. Your body may like being a certain weight and won’t go down any further. Not everyone, especially if they’ve been overweight a long time, can be a normal weight. The body has a certain set point that it likes to be at and sometimes won’t budge below this unless you eat very little and/or exercise all the time.

9. You feel unworthy of being a normal weight. You may overeat and stay overweight as a way of punishing yourself. You may have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child.

10. You may stay overweight as a way of rebelling against a parent who tried to control your eating and weight in childhood.

11. If you’ve been overweight a long time, being overweight may have become your identity and you wouldn’t know who you are without it.

12. You’re on medication. Certain medications can cause weight gain and can make it very hard to lose weight. Check with your doctor to see if the medication you’re on might be causing your weight gain or keeping you from losing weight.

13. You don’t eat breakfast or eat much during the day, and then overeat from dinnertime until you go to bed. Your body needs to get most of its food and calories earlier in the day so that it has a chance to efficiently burn off and metabolize your calorie intake.

14. You lead a very sedentary lifestyle and spend week-ends, evenings, and most of your free time watching TV, being on the computer, and/or eating.

15. Food is your main form of pleasure, companionship, reward, stress reliever, entertainment, and comfort.

16. You suffer from anxiety and/or depression. You use food to regulate your mood and to calm, soothe, and numb yourself.

17. Your metabolism has slowed due to age or excessive dieting.

For more information, please visit http://www.secretsofaweightlossmaster.com/

really bizarre idea

So, here’s my really bizarre idea.

If you see something in the refrigerator

and

you did not request that the item be purchased

and

you did not prepare the item yourself

and

you did not ask to see if maybe someone else was saving the item for a later meal…

do NOT eat it!!!!

What a bizarre concept, huh?

why I’m stuck

I think maybe I figured out why I’m stuck.

I think it is because I believe I don’t deserve any better.

I’m not worthy to be loved and cared for.