non-communication

“When communication breaks down in a marriage, no matter the cause, it is only a matter of time before divorce occurs.”  – from  “The Grief Recovery Handbook.”

I feel like essentially all the conversations in our marriage are pretty much meaningless.  They are more a sharing of trivia.  “The dog where I worked today didn’t like my machinery.”   His expression of his day.

Trivia is an acceptable form of communication for him.  In fact, it is just about the only type of communication for him.  It drives me crazy.  I need more than unemotional soundbites.

He was telling me that the feminists don’t like the new LEGO sets for girls.  So I was thinking about what would be meaningful for me, what I would like to talk about.   I couldn’t really talk about wanting to leave him at this point.   I was frustrated about something else, though, so I said what was on my mind.

“I wish I didn’t have to go to church,”  I said, as I looked through my closet.

“Pobrecita.  [Spanish for “poor little girl;” an expression of commiseration.]   Would it help if you had different clothes to wear?”

“No.  It would help if I didn’t have to go to church.”

Silence.  Absolute silence.  Cricket-chirping silence.

So, he can tell me about a news story that affects our lives not one bit, but a deep, emotional conflict that I am having, he’s got nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  How comforting.

Here’s another one.  I was telling him about going into work one morning and seeing that there were already a lot of cars in the parking lot.  So I knew the store was busy.  I walked in and my manager said, “Thank God!”  And gave me a big hug.  He was obviously glad that I had arrived.   When I finished telling my husband this, he said, why doesn’t the store just spend the money to hire another person.   I told him, the point of my story was that it was nice that my manager was happy to see me.  My husband said, he knew that.  I told him that his response didn’t seem to indicate that he realized what I was trying to tell him.   He said he knew what I was trying to tell him.

I should be used to it, but it still hurts that there is no emotional connection.

I want that emotional connection so badly.