One of my sisters lives in another state. Another of my sisters lives in the same state I do, but about ninety miles from me. My sister from another state was visiting my sister who lives ninety miles from me. They invited me to come visit over the week-end, too.
On Friday, I asked my husband if he minded if I went to see my sisters for a couple of days. He said, I don’t mind. Stay all week if you want to.
I think there was a little bit of sarcasm in that. I don’t think he liked it that I was going to visit my sisters.
I went and I had a great time. Saturday night, late Saturday night, after many hours of watching chick flicks and eating ice-cream with my sisters and a little bit of time drinking some home-made beer with my brothers-in-law, I finally crawled into bed. Well, I crawled into my sleeping bag on the floor of my brother-in-law’s office. That was fine, though. I was blissfully all by myself and woke up this morning very refreshed and relaxed.
What I started to tell you was that before I went to sleep, I checked my cell phone. My husband had sent me several texts. Even now I haven’t opened them, but I think they are a bunch of pictures of his nieces that were visiting his parents.
This happens very often when I go to visit my brother or my sister. He sends me a ton of texts. He can’t just let me enjoy my time with my siblings without intruding.
When I got home this evening, he was making dinner. I had already eaten plenty of ice-cream (more chick-flicks) and pizza at my sister’s house, so I didn’t need any dinner. It smelled like he was boiling turkey.
Now, let me set this up for you. I have some turkey in the freezer left from Thanksgiving. Late last week he wanted to warm up some. I told him that I wanted to make it into something, like turkey chili or turkey enchiladas. I asked him not to use it.
Well, I guess my wishes really don’t matter. He was making turkey noodle soup. At first I was really upset. It hurt that he didn’t consider that I had asked him not to use the turkey. Then I felt myself just kind of shutting down. Whatever. Just whatever.
Evidently it seems he wasn’t happy at all that I went to see my sisters.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
They are never happy unless you are glued to their side like a kid who may miss something. I find that pa’s don’t seem to have friends of their own. They know lot of people and things but real friends to do things with they don’t. Therefore they have to be right with you all the time wanting them or not to feel included and not left out and alone since they have noone to do things with other than their family.
You’re never deserving of anything. Remember? You must have forgotten.
You took time away for yourself and failed to be available for his needs. Now you must be punished.
Or he was just making supper – and isn’t that nice to come home to? Strange that you found something wrong with your husband cooking dinner. Be happy he was cooking even if he used something from the freezer that you had other plans for.
Yes, there is a very tiny possibility, a sliver of possibility, that he actually forgot she wanted to use the turkey for a recipe. There is a very tiny possibility that he wanted to be thoughtful and caring and make dinner.
Those are the things the typical person would assume, but now you have to factor in years of repetitive behaviors that form a distinct pattern.
The pattern is one of selective hearing, selective memory, sabotage, aloof withdrawal, selfishness, and petty never ending resentments.
If that pattern is clearly established, even then you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because you try to treat others the way you wish to be treated.
So you come home, he’s boiling the turkey you said you wanted to make a special recipe with, and you feel this hard to explain, sickening jolt to your gut.
This is when, as I commented below, I would have once upon a time said (with dismay but not anger) “Oh dear! That’s the turkey I told you I wanted to save to make enchiladas with!”
If he responded with genuine regret and surprise “I’m so sorry! I completely forgot!” or anything similar, if he moved toward you with any measure of sorrow that he caused you distress, sadness, disappointment (the things a lover never wishes to give to their beloved), you could easily smile, understand and feel your shared humanity, and move on.
When his response is a variation of:
So what?
You never appreciate me.
What about you doing x,y,z?
If he at this point glares, accuses, and resents, then you quickly realize that he did KNOW, he did REMEMBER what you asked/wanted, he just DIDN’T CARE.
And if you have a problem with that, he’ll find a way to punish you until you learn not to bother him.
Throughout all this, your greatest perceived crime just might be that you fail to agree with him in realizing what a nice guy, what a great guy, what a poor, put upon, unappreciated, charming, wonderful guy he is.
Somewhere, lost in all the spin, will be that he felt entitled to entirely ignore your clearly communicated desires, wants, or needs. In his mind, that doesn’t count.
So please, before you judge someone who is trying to apply enough discernment to survive a slow, implacable, almost hypnotic, life draining erosion of her very being, just try to imagine if you were subjected to this.
Not all at once, but little by little, piece by piece, and it will punctuate the times he really does seem to be that nice, wonderful man. The same man who will assure you repeatedly that he loves you. He really loves you.
http://www.mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com
I had to cringe and almost laugh at the same time. The turkey and texts are the kinds of things that easily appear innocuous to outsiders. Of course, I get it, and with a slight unpleasant jolt. Those two things fall into the – death by a million paper cuts – category.
Really, if he really missed you, missed YOU, and the texts were the sweet familiar ‘I’m missing you’ of a lover, it would FEEL differently when they came. The problem is the behaviors masked as love are co-existing with resentful behaviors, cold behaviors, dispassionate and withdrawn behaviors, and that creates an unsettling cognitive dissonance.
The turkey could easily look like a hard working tired and slightly absentminded or forgetful partner, but if you said anything about it, if you were to say ‘Oh dear, you forgot I wanted to make a special dish with that turkey’, that’s all it would take to show the real reason he did it. You would not see any remorse, but you’re quite likely to hear an accusation of some sort from him about something you forgot, some way you don’t appreciate him, some way he was suffering neglect etc.
In that moment, you’re aware that he didn’t forget your special request, but that using the turkey was a petty gotcha. After years of that, instead of saying anything, you do tend to arrive at the land of Whatever.
http://www.mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com
Want to clarify my comment from earlier as I know there is always more to the story… It is really just sad that at this point in the relationship even normal things – things that would normally be nice – are tainted. I’m not judging. I realize it sounded that way. Sorry! Just a sad situation for sure. I wish you the best!
I am so happy to read that I’m not imagining how I’m feeling! I have been so unhappy for so long I’ve lost count of the years! Well, yesterday was the second year in a row that he didn’t recognize our 13th Anniversary! Not that I expected him to say anything about it but when I asked him what day it was he said, “Sunday”! He knew what I meant! This past October 2013, I left him and had made arrangements to move into an
apartment w/a friend of mine who has a handicapped daughter to share expenses! Well, my so called friend went nuts on me so I had no choice but to move back home! What a mistake that has been! When my PA husband realized I had moved out, he got rageful and cussed and swore at me because I took money out of our account! The only reason he gladly took me back was so I would drop spousal support! It’s always been about him, not “us”! He could care less about me as long as I don’t take his money! When I left he sure knew how to have everyone feel sorry for him and played the perfect role of victim! Well, I’m getting ready to leave this time for good! We act as if we are roommates. I sleep in my own bedroom because I no longer have feelings for him. He told me in April,2013 that he didn’t think he loved me anymore! Not that it was a big shock! I want to be happy again! I am 60 now and feel like I have another good 25 years left and I want to spend time w/my daughter before I die! She lives in NC and she is anxious for me to move in w/her, she is still single (34) and we miss spending time together seeing as I live in Pennsylvania! Now that the deep freeze is over I can’t wait until I get my bills paid off, get divorced and will be free from his broken promises and laziness!! I don’t think the last 20 years have been a total loss because now I count on what I see as being real and not looking to him to look at life w/his angry view of life and believing that my life is judged by him! He can blame me for all his problems like he has done for years but through therapy I know that he’s got a big problem, himself!!
Wouldn’t it be nice if these PA men would spend a year in intense therapy with a counselor who specializes in treating passive aggression? Wouldn’t it be great if they took just a little responsibility and tried something like that? How can they function? Do they really just run off hatred and spite?