First, let me say that there was nothing terrible in my day. “First world problems,” my daughter calls them.
I woke up depressed. I cried in the shower. I cried on the way to work. I cried at work.
That’s really embarrassing because I’m the receptionist. No office or cubicle to hide in. I don’t think anyone noticed, though. I kept my face down, focusing on paperwork when someone walked by.
I kept making all kinds of stupid mistakes today. In the scheme of things, no big deal. But today, I just could not deal with it. I felt so wretched. I wanted to die.
Really. I did. I saw/see no point in my life.
My job is so meaningless. I feel like I am wasting my life.
In Toastmasters today, I signed up to be an Evaluator. I stumbled all over the place. Way too many “ums.” I felt so stupid. I wasn’t really embarrassed because it is a great club and everyone is supportive. But I felt awful about the job I did. But I won the “Best Evaluator” award for the meeting, anyway.
I went to the gym. Of course. That and blogging are basically the only ways I stay even part way sane. Today, though, all day, I felt thoroughly insane.
I wish I had a switch and could turn off my thoughts. Still keep functioning and do what I have to do, but not think. And not feel. Definitely not feel.
I went to WordPress to write this post, hoping I would feel better after I wrote, and I saw the most recent post on the blog, “my life in pajamas.” (Read post here.)
She writes about the lack of sex in a marriage to a PA man. The pain of a sexless marriage is unbearable. I think that is the thing I hate most about being married to him. That, and that my daughters don’t have a daddy.
I was going to write about that – the lack of sex – too, but if I do, I will start crying again and I need to not cry.
I am so worn out.
I keep thinking about a blog that I was recently introduced to. This lady has moved, with her soulmate, into a 12×12 writer’s cottage. (See blog here.)
I’m jealous.
I’m jealous that she was able to downsize that much. I don’t think I can ever go down to that, but I do seriously wish I did not have so much stuff.
I’m jealous that she lives a magical, blissful life as a poet and philosopher, that she seems to have built what she wants for her life, that she is striving to live an authentic life.
And I am jealous that she is with her soulmate.
At the moment, I can’t even come up with a vision for my own life, let along make any progress towards it. Even though I am jealous of her, I wish her well in her new adventure.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for me.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Darnit, this makes me so sad that you had a bad day :( I hate days like that when life seems so pointless, so hard, and soo unbearable. When you describe that lady living a simple life with her soulmate, I’m jealous of her, too. I want so much for that. Today I was driving through a parking lot and I saw a couple walking together. The guy had his arm around the girl’s shoulder and he was leaning in smiling, listening to her talk. Simple, normal thing, right? I looked at them and longed to have something that basic in a relationship. And then I cried. It completely stinks how our lives are, doesn’t it. Amazing the sadness and harm that these PAs can inflict on the lives of others. It’s amazing how they can suck the joy and peace right out of our lives. Hang in there, I’m sure tomorrow will be better. And remember you have a whole group of us out there who care about you.
You can only start from where you are. If you’d like to simplify and downsize, you can start by weeding through and getting rid of one thing today. Maybe you’ll donate another thing tomorrow. You do have choices and there are some things you can change by yourself and for yourself.
I like this post of yours – https://passiveaggressiveabuse.wordpress.com/2014/05/14/emotionally-strong-is-it-always-a-good-thing/
Grieving something lost is always a healthy thing, you can go crazy pretending. They say being courageous isn’t about not being afraid at all, but confronting your fears with winning in mind. Grieve, but confront it with healing in mind. You are stronger than you think! They can and do suck the life and energy out of us. I cut the lifeline, and he hasn’t even noticed, but I feel a lot better. It’s painful to consider change, but I encourage you to pray and ask God for a miracle in your life. And keep blogging! When I get my little Florida beach house, you are definitely invited over. Hugs to you, hang in there!
YOU are important. Your LIFE has meaning. YOU CAN DO THIS. Don’t give up or get discouraged. Keep fighting on. :) :) :) :)
I hope you have a beautiful day!!!
xoxo,
the bbb blogger
I’m so sorry you had a bad day – ugh – days like that are so hard. I’m sorry, you are going through this. I hope tomorrow is a better day. You will get through it. I’m not a crier, but I spent about 3 years crying from the shock of realizing the definition of PA and that I was married to someone inflicted. What to do? Finally, one day I got up and tried to get my life back. I’m still working on it, although, overall I’m glad I’ve faced the truth. A non-traditional marriage is ok for now. One day at a time. BTW, I used to be in Toastmasters. Great group. You must certainly have some spunk to be a member! So there! You got this!
totally understand. I spent several days in the last month in the most rotten / sad / frustrated mood I’ve ever been in. I don’t think I’ve smiled at all in the last few days. I’m like a walking crabmaster. It’s a terrible feeling. Of course I’ve cried also because it had to be released but it’s hard, people can tell I’m not well and I’ve been blaming it on allergies but that will only take me so far… It’s hard when you feel like giving up but I can assure you that this is a temporary sad desperate time in your life and the sun will shine again, it’s something I hang on to for dear life. You are worth a beautiful peaceful life, you are worth love and affection and you are definetely a beautiful human being. I’m glad you have an outlet to let it out and I’m glad you’re still here telling us and fighting for it. xo
I’ve had many of those days throughout my marriage. All I can say is he’s not worth the agony you are going through and the only way to stop the pain is to leave him. Easier said than done, I know. It is the only way to stop the insanity, we all know it, but there is always that hope. Mine finally obliterated my hope, I saw the hopelessness and total insanity of staying with him. We’re divorcing.
Getting rid of your stuff is hard. I’m packing up the house so we can sell it. It’s hard, the memories with all the stuff. Take a look at all your things. If your house burnt down and all your things were lost, would you be able to continue living without it? As I was deciding what to take, what to give away, and what to donate, this question came into my head and my answer was that I would be relieved to get rid of the stuff. It made it easier to get rid of a lot of my things. I’m not saying that I’m still not packing too much stuff, :) but it’s a lot less than I thought I would be taking.
All these years I’ve lived with him and when the moment came, it came fast and sure. It’s unbelievable I agonized over it for years and when it came BAM! it came full force and it’s coming to an end. I don’t know where I’ll live (I have options) or what I’ll do, but what I do know is that my future will not include him. Hopefully you and all the rest of the ladies here will have their moment and finally have peace and sanity in their lives.