Just another night

Well, only sort of.

He sat on the sofa while I made dinner.  (The kitchen, living room, and dining room are all open to each other.)  So we kind of carried on a conversation.  I told him I probably would need to buy a suit so I could get the job I wanted.  He asked me what I would wear the next day [after I got the job].  I told him I didn’t really want to have to wear a suit to work.  I asked him how his mom was.  He didn’t know.

I wondered if it was even possible to be married for twenty-plus years and still have good conversations with your spouse.

We got through dinner, although he managed to offend both of our daughters.  And frustrate me.

After dinner, I sat on the sofa and put together a puzzle on jigzone.  He sat in the rocking chair.  Occasional comments.  Stilted.  Forced “conversation.”  The clock ticked and I thought, “Thirty, forty more years of this?”

When I got up to go get ready for bed, he asked me if I would have sex with him tonight.  I told him I didn’t know.

So when I got into bed, he said, “Is that a no?”  I told him that I didn’t know, that I was afraid to cry.

Silence.

I kept thinking, maybe I should.  I want sex.  Maybe it won’t be so bad this time.  Maybe I should.  Maybe I can do this.

And then, when I was almost ready to say o.k., he said, “I tried really hard this week.  I rubbed your feet two times.  I’m mad.  You won’t even touch me.”  Direct quote.

I said, “You’re mad at me because I cry when you have sex with me because it hurts me?”

He said, “No.”

I said, “You’re mad because you rubbed my feet?”

He said, “No.”

Then he said, “I’m in pain.”

I said, “I’m in pain, too.”

Silence.

I wondered what to say, what to do.  What is my part, my responsibility?  I didn’t want to be codependent and “fix it” for him.  But I also didn’t want to be unfair to him.

But then he got out of bed, put on his clothes, didn’t say a word, and left.

He drove off in my van.  He’s never driven off before.

I wish he hadn’t taken my van.

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This entry was posted in emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Just another night

  1. I’m so sorry I know how you feel about sex all to well. It got to the point that I would cry before he was even done. Did he seem to notice or care no. When that started happening is when I said that’t it no more and stopped doing anything with him. I got like you and thought it’s been so long i really want it maybe I can. But I had to make him stop before we even started. Just him touching me made me want to cry even though I wanted it so bad. It has been 9 months or so since we were together.

  2. My heart goes out to you, I know all too well how you feel. The last time I gave in, I felt like a stranger was assaulting me, it felt wrong in so many ways. Unfamiliar, cold, emotionally dead. I cry, I feel pain, I can’t move. I can’t even think about it anymore, I sometimes feel like my skin crawls just thinking of him touching me. I lay in bed next to him and wish he wasn’t near me. It’s sad, I feel terrible, I don’t know how I will ever feel “normal” again..

  3. my dear blog friend, i care so much about you. however, i need to “unfollow” you as it is too painful for me to continue witnessing your pain, your staying. i understand it but i can’t keep witnessing. please forgive me. i will sometimes pop in to take a look at what’s going on with you. i wish you all the best – you deserve it. everyone deserves it.

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