Depression – again

I’m feeling depressed again.   Or maybe it should be – still.  It comes and goes.  Often coming more than going.  I usually wake up depressed.

I know that depression is technically a physio-chemical thing happening with the chemicals in your brain and how much of them your body produces and how well the receptors work and stuff like that.

I know that depression can be genetic, running in families.  I don’t know that either of my parents or any of my grandparents suffered from depression.

I also know that depression can be caused by a traumatic childhood experience.  That is my claim to how come I suffer from depression.

However, I think that living with a passive aggressive man greatly aggravates my depression.  On the rare occasions over the many years we have been together, when I actually felt like we were getting along well, I wasn’t depressed.  But those times are so few and so far between.  Mostly I have just felt empty – and then depressed – in my marriage.  I’m sure my co-dependence hasn’t helped this.

But, co-dependent or not, people need love.  Period.  People need love.  Babies will literally die if they are only given food, but not emotional and physical nurturing.  Adults somehow learn how to cope without that nurturing, but I believe that we also die in a way.

So often I feel more dead than alive.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of life:  sleeping, eating, shopping, working, laundry.  But I’m not alive;  I’m not living.  I’m walking around doing things, but it’s more like I am waiting for the sun to break through the clouds so I can dance.

But will that ever happen?  Will the clouds ever go away?  Do I have to walk away from the clouds?  And would leaving the marriage help the depression to get better?   I’m not usually depressed at work.  Sometime I am in a way, but I often think it’s more a hold-over from home that follows me to work.  I cry almost every day coming home from work.

My daughters are wonderful.  They gave me precious Mother’s Day gifts.  We had a house guest this week-end and I enjoy having house-guests.  This one was a young man who came for my daughter’s graduation on Friday from her two-year community college.  (I am SO proud of her, by the way!)   Even my husband gave me a nice gift:  a shelf that he built for me.  I told him I wanted it awhile back (maybe a couple of years ago?) and he finally made it for me.  So that was nice.   Now I have to get to sand it and paint it.  But at least I now have it.

But, despite the tolerable week-end, I’m sitting here, depressed.

If I leave, will I feel better?   Or will I find something else to be depressed about?  Like, not earning much money.   Or still not having a special someone in my life.  Or…..

On the blog, “P A Don’t Stand for Palo Alto,”  there is an article titled, Depression – A Side Effect of Passive Aggressive Relationships.  In the article, the author write:  “Lately I have really been missing the loving interaction that usually takes place between a man and a woman who supposedly love each other.”

That’s it.  That is exactly how I feel.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Depression – again

  1. I am happy to hear you had a good Mother’s Day, and sad to hear the bad stuff got your mood down once again…
    It’s so unfair that people who are really nice -like I believe you are- get the worst of stuff to live with. It’s plain unfair. *that’s just me complaining about life’s injustice*
    Usually people say “go talk to someone”, but since you have so many bad experiences with empty conversations, I would advice you to do something. Walk a dog, go running, break stuff,… Hit your sadness out of yourself.
    I’m not sure it would work for you, but if you ever feel like it; it did help me.
    *huggle*
    Take care :)

    • Hey, Well, I have another blog about my garden and I posted pictures of my Mother’s Day presents on it so that made me feel a little better. My daughters really are sweet and they gave me beautiful presents. And I’ll go running in a little bit, so that will help, too. And tomorrow I’ll go to work, and going to work is kinda like hanging out with friends for me, so I’ll get through another day. Thank you for your encouragement! :)

  2. As usual, you wrote another great post. I can feel your emotions with every word that you write, and I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do understand and if you ever feel the need to talk please don’t hesitate to email me. Maybe we can help each other figure out our crazy little lives.

  3. renxkyoko says:

    Be well, and take care !

  4. I while back I wrote Is Depression Magnifying the Situation Or Is The Situation Causing The Depression. I like you have dealt with depression for years. Really I have dealt with it since I was about 14. I got really bad for a short time then just dealt with it here and there. If someone got really sick or someone died I would take it harder than others and it would send me into a tail spin sometimes. But I got to where I could control it and could tell when it was coming on and try to keep it from happening.

    After me and my ex got to gether I would feel depressed once in a while but I would do things to keep from letting it go to far or get to bad. I would make myself get up and get out of the house and do something or go spend time with friends. Just to be around other people and out of the house. If not I would just sit in my bed all day.

    But the depression I felt and dealt with when I was going threw this with my soon to be ex was like no other I felt before. It is hard to explain but I am betting you know what I mean. You feel hopeless stuck trapped and just unloved and you just feel like it is never going to go a way. The first night he moved out and I stayed by myself I felt different. It was like a huge wieght lifted off me or like you said the clouds broke and the sun shined threw. Of curse I get stressed with not having money or having to move and things but I still feel so much better than I did why he was there. I have never once had the thought I wish he was back or I shouldn’t have done that or anything. I just tell myself it is going to be hard for the first year or so getting everything settled and moved, getting a job and rebuilding but that it will be worth it and I will never have to live the way I did or feel that way again. Because this time once I can take care of myself and kids I won’t have to put up with someone ever treating me that way again. I think when you finally decide to make that move you will feel so much better and not feel the way you do now ever again if you don’t let yourself get into another relationship like that. Good luck.

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